This isn’t something I’d normally do a standalone post about, but it just tickled me too much to cover in any other fashion. It’s an egg, see. An egg filled with Big League Chew.
There are tons of similar Easter treats on sale, where oversized plastic eggs are filled with various candies of one specific “type.” Thing is, Big League Chew rarely gets this kind of play. We might love it, but it’s such a “quiet” phenomenon. It kind of just sits there, way in the back, with no big promotions and less than two bucks in its advertising budget.
I’m not saying that weren’t exceptions, but I’ve never seen Big League Chew get a holiday upgrade to this degree before. This is some real deal crazy good shit, here. I told the same to the stranger standing next to me at Target, in those exact words. It went over about as well as you’d expect.
A giant egg containing one package of Big League Chew would’ve been enough, but no, this is an absolute Big League Chew smorgasbord, with classic things, rarer things, and things that you can ONLY get out of a big blue egg.
If you’re slated to fill a kid’s Easter basket this year, you HAVE to add one of these. Please understand that this is no mere suggestion. Do as I say, or the world will crumble.
Of course, the star is a pack of Big League Chew. The difference here is that the gum is actually fresh. Since the eggs are new for 2013, there’s virtually no chance of stale gum. You may think that this is unimportant, but believe me, fresh Big League Chew is an extremely uncommon thing. Until opening this package, I had no idea that it could ever be so soft and silky. Were the gum to begin floating like a serene, edible cloud, I would not be surprised.
This alone made the three bucks or whatever I paid worth it. If I had to describe actually-fresh Big League Chew in one word, I’d go with “revelation.”
Next is a set of four Big League Chew baseball cards, which, unless I’m mistaken, are exclusive to these eggs.
I don’t like the looks of that Swingin’ Sour Apple player. He reminds me of the guy who punched me in high school for wearing a baby blue Hole shirt. If anyone has doubles of Wild Pitch Watermelon, let’s trade.
I’d never even heard of Big League Chew bubble gumballs until locating this egg. They are incredible! Most gumballs are hollow, but these are 100% gum. And they’re delicious. So delicious, actually, that I’m being very careful about picking my spots with them. One was sacrificed for the taste test, so I only have two left. I need to save those for when life gives me the biggest, rottenest lemons.
One must certainly be reserved for April, when I’m again taught the financial downsides of not filing quarterly. The other will probably get chewed when I miscalculate the space left on my DVR and miss the Mother’s Day episode of Roseanne. The one with Shelley Winters at her sassiest.
The Big League Chew temporary tattoos are a nice touch, even if it’s only to make the assortment feel more… assorted.
Personally, I’m no big lover of temporary tattoos. My skin just seems to repel them. I remember getting a Spider-Man tat on some long ago family vacation, and I’d barely left the kiosk before his head fell off. Instead, I will use these tattoo sheets as coasters for cordial glasses. If you don’t know what those are, then you are simply not cultured enough for my Big League Chew coasters. You’re getting an old TV Guide.
Some may think that the egg doesn’t count. Those people are dead wrong. The egg is the best part!
I grew up in a house full of pantyhose-wearing women, and every time they needed new hose, I got the egg. I’m not sure if pantyhose still comes in plastic eggs, so if you’re too young to remember this, just know that I’m not falling into some drug-addled rant that has no basis in reality. Pantyhose really did come in plastic eggs, and they were wonderful. Big enough to fit action figures inside! Big enough to pretend that my ALF doll gave birth!
The Big League Chew egg reminds of those, but it’s actually even bigger. I think I’ll use it to store loose change, and the vitriolic notes I’m always writing to myself.