Dinosaur Dracula!

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/24/12.

It’s Christmas Eve!

…and the final gift is a DOOZY.

Behold, Dino Drac’s BABY DINOSAUR, which hatched from a giant grey egg and immediately started doing cute things. Impossibly cute things, like clapping. God, we LOVE this baby dinosaur. (more…)

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/21 – 12/23/12.

Dino Drac hates today’s magnifying glass, but I don’t. I love how Playmobil made it all jewel-like and oversized, as if it’s actually a supernatural crystal-gazing thing that will let us see the future.

“So you wanna see the future, eh? Then let me open tomorrow’s gift.”

I don’t even put up a fight, anymore. He’s too hard to argue with. Too many dismissive hand gestures. (more…)

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/19 – 12/20/12.

Today’s gift is a lunchbox filled with torture devices.

Dino Drac acts like he hates it, but I see through him. Hey, we were all kids once. I’ve pretended to hate great gifts plenty of times, for reasons many and varied. I’m not buying this facade. There is no way a vampire dinosaur wouldn’t want torture devices.

“I’ll level with you. The gifts are fine. I just want to open tomorrow’s, too.”

I knew it was a mistake to start with that. Now he thinks it’s an everyday thing. On the other hand, I’m getting pretty sick of burying the site’s good content with giant Advent Calendar photos, so I tell him to have at it. (more…)

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/17 – 12/18/12.

“They can’t be serious. What is this, a translucent breadbox?”

Nah, I think it’s just some kind of holding tank. Either way, a pretty junky gift. In fact, it’s so junky that I refuse to respect it with a bold font. These Playmobil Advent Calendars really love their peaks and valleys.

“This gift sucks. I’m opening tomorrow’s. I don’t care what you say.”

Uh, I was going to suggest the same thing. It’s not like I know how to rock an entry about a tiny holding tank that holds nothing. I’d have to go way out of my depth on the existential humor. (more…)

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/16/12.

Expecting more disappointment after that hideous stretch of tree parts, Dino Drac is pleasantly surprised by today’s gift.

Meet Safari Woman, a fiery brute who may actually just be a statue.

“She’s not moving! She’s not moving at all!”

Actually, Dino Drac, she is moving. She’s just doing it really slowly. Not sure why.

“This is stupid! Should I push her?”

I tell Dino Drac to give her some time. After all, Safari Woman had been trapped in a box for weeks, with what was assuredly limited oxygen. And that says nothing of the emotional effects.

“But the guy we got on December 1st was fine when he came out. I’m going to push her!”

I’m quick to admonish him. I’ve seen the power of these Playmobil women. There’s no reason to risk being blasted with fluorescent lightning just because my dinosaur has a sick obsession with pushing people.

“Can I at least rename her? I see her more as a Gracie.”

Fine, fine. She’s Gracie. Now step away.

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/14 – 12/15/12.

A tree!

Dino Drac is PISSSSED.

He’s pissed, and it’s all my fault. I made such a fuss about how Playmobil was only going to give us good gifts for the rest of December. Now we got a tree, and it’s not even a WHOLE tree. It’s really just a branch. Today’s gift is a BRANCH.

Now me? I like it just fine. It looks like a palm tree, and I’ll never not like something that looks like a palm tree. All the same, I understand Dino Drac’s frustration. From motorcycle to velociraptor to tree. Even for an outsider, it would be pretty easy to look at this sequence and know where to stick the “shit balloon” sound effect.

“You promised me amnesty!” I don’t know why Dino Drac is suddenly quoting one of Count Dooku’s cut scenes. I take it to mean that he’s upset about the tree.

I know this is bad form, but I can’t go to bed knowing that he’s miserable. I tell him to go ahead and open tomorrow’s gift early.

“Really? But won’t the world blow up if I do that?”

I tell him to stop believing in stupid urban legends. Between Bloody Mary and the idea that Earth with explode if someone opens Playmobil gifts prematurely, it’s like I’m living with a bad Lili Taylor character from a bad Lili Taylor movie. (more…)

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/13/12.

A gecko!

I like him. He’s tiny, he’s drowsy, and he looks a lot like a baby alligator. (Despite this, I am sure that he’s a gecko. I’ve never been more sure of anything.)

His arrival was not without drama. Dino Drac assumed the gecko to be food, and was salivating like a big gross monster. Thinking fast, I lied about it actually being a newborn velociraptor. Since it wears the same colors as the one we got on Tuesday, Dino Drac bought it.

Now I just need to teach him to be gentler with the thing. He’s one hug away from making that gecko explode. I started writing a gecko care guide, culling information from websites filled with funny lizard GIFs. Then I got distracted by Play-Doh.

My winter wonderland isn’t amazing, but it’s not my fault. I had none of the good Christmas colors. There was no white Play-Doh, and the Play-Doh that came closest to red was still too orange to ever pass an official red test.

The black rocks represent Santa’s coal. The purple thing on the far left is…well, I don’t know. I guess it’s one of Delia’s sculptures from Beetlejuice. Not very Christmassy, but when your available Play-Doh colors force you to make a green snowman, there are only so many ways you can praise Jesus.

Oh, great. Now the gecko is missing.