Dinosaur Dracula!

    A few hours ago, I heard a too-gentle knock on the front door. It was the FedEx guy, looking to make a delivery without any pesky conversation. That’s my kind of FedEx guy. Yes. It has arrived. ECTO COOLER. Last week, someone from Coca-Cola’s PR firm blessed me with the email to end al

  • Campfire’s Ghostbusters Marshmallows!

    What a ridiculously great time to be a Ghostbusters fan. Even aside from the new movie, the toys are starting to trickle into stores, and they’re all such must-buys that I’m already testing out shit faces in response to May’s AmEx bill. Then there’s Ecto Cooler’s return, now conf

  • Doritos 3D’s STILL EXIST.

    Get ready to have your minds blown: Doritos 3D’s still exist. No, I’m not talking about those Jacked 3D things. I mean the really real deal versions. The ones that look like pregnant Bugles. THESE: But hold on. There’s a catch. To the best of my knowledge, Doritos 3D’s are only

  • The Angriest Whopper is awesome and red.

    Burger King’s Angriest Whopper is like a surprise hit of Halloween during springtime. They’re not advertising it this way, but it’s obviously a “sister burger” to the legendary (and infamous) Halloween Whopper. I love Burger King’s increasing obsession with dyeing bread, and I

  • Ghostbusters Twinkies w/ Key Lime Slime Filling!

    It is my honor and privilege to present you with the internet’s very first hands-on review of Hostess’s GHOSTBUSTERS TWINKIES. Yes, my idea of a hot exclusive is screwy. Before anyone gets too excited, these aren’t in stores just yet, and may not be until much closer to the film’s

  • Junk Food of the Gods, Part 4!

    The Junk Food of the Gods series was last seen in July, before taking an extended break for the holidays. Now it’s back and it’s tanned and it can handle anything you want to throw at it. Below: Five of the most interesting junk foods currently on the market. Most of them will only

  • Crystal Pepsi is BACK, baby!

    I have a bottle of Crystal Pepsi! And it only cost as much as dinner for two! I can’t imagine that many of you missed the news, but yes, Pepsi — inspired by an online campaign spearheaded by competitive eater L.A. Beast — has dusted off perhaps its most famously infamous soft

  • 2015’s Best Holiday Junk Food, Part 3!

    I’m back with another batch of this year’s hottest holiday junk food. If you missed the previous reasons to look like Santa, click here and here. Cracker Jack Holiday Sugar Cookie Popcorn! It took me over a month to find a bag, but it was worth the wait. I’m not a big Cracker Jack gu

  • 2015’s Best Holiday Junk Food, Part 2!

    Here's another batch of 2015's best holiday junk food, including Cheetos Sweetos, Snickers Trees and more good reasons to throw nutritional caution to the wind!

  • 2015’s Best Holiday Junk Food, Part 1!

    The holiday season is here! If you don’t believe me, just stroll down the nearest junk food aisle. Everything either tastes like peppermint or is shaped like a bell. I love it. Below are five of my favorite holiday junk foods for the 2015 season. Or maybe they’re just the first five th

  • Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy MASKS!

    You may not be able to eat the cereal this year, but Frute Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy have indeed returned! In mask form, at least! Hey, it's something, and they glow in the dark, too!

  • 2015’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 2!

    Here's another batch of 2015's best Halloween junk food, including Halloween Crunch, Starburst Halloween Mix, pumpkin spice chewing gum and more! None of this is healthy, but it sure is fun to look at.

  • An ode to Pumpkin Spice Quaker Oatmeal.

    Okay guys, sometimes I lose my mind and write really odd things. Please forgive me for this giant poem about Quaker's limited edition Pumpkin Spice Oatmeal. Inspiration hits where it hits, y'know?

  • This Monster Cereals Castle is amazing.

    General Mills never disappoints during the Halloween season. This year, you can cut up your Monster Cereal boxes to build a huge haunted castle, with little figures and everything! Unbelievably cool, and one of 2015's best spooky promos.

  • Burger King’s Halloween Whopper IS HERE.

    Well folks, here it is. Burger King's Halloween Whopper. It's the 2015 Halloween season's single biggest promotion, and it's what we'll always remember this season for. (Green shit or no green shit.)

  • Goosebumps Shake at Johnny Rockets!

    In one of this year's most surprising Halloween promotions, you can currently buy a candy-filled "Goosebumps Shake" at Johnny Rockets! If you choose to do so, remember to steal one of those swank Goosebumps table tents. I did!

  • Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats!

    If you’re charmed by the idea of “Halloween cereal” but find the usual crop a bit too juvenile for your tastes, here’s one for the more sophisticated palate: Okay, so maybe I’m stretching things. Just a little. Still, Kellogg’s new Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats is by far on

  • Candy Corn Cupcakes? Pumpkin Spice Twinkies?!

    As you’ve probably surmised from prior articles, this is an amazing year for Halloween junk food. It’s everywhere! And so much of it is really, really good! …even the bigwig mainstays aren’t resting on their laurels, as evidenced by Hostess’s new TRIO of Halloween treats. (Oh

  • Halloween Kid Cuisine: 2015 Edition!

    Warning: Today’s post is about Kid Cuisine, so stop here if you don’t want to read about Kid Cuisine. Funsucker. I was elated to see the return of Halloween Kid Cuisine meals, even if they never actually use the “H” word. The secularization of Halloween? No, not really. This year,

  • 2015’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 1!

    I’ll say it again: This is a banner year for spooky junk food. Never before have I seen so much of it, and for those who sustain their spirits through creepy-looking chocolate, 2015 is freakin’ amazing. Below are five scary things that you can eat and drink this year, mixing new commo

  • March of the Halloween Peeps.

    Oof, the guys from Marshmallow Peeps HQ are really dishing it out this year! Whenever I bring up Peeps, I’m assaulted with comments from those who don’t like them. I’ll admit that the last time I truly savored a Peep was probably Easter of 1987, but I still think it’s harsh —

  • Kellogg’s 2015 Halloween Cereals!

    If one determines a Halloween season’s value through its goofy and spooky edibles, 2015 is a banner year. While lacking an obvious smoking gun — like 2013’s Fruity Yummy Mummy or 2014’s Ghostbusters donuts — this year is making up for it in sheer volume. Need proof?

  • Junk Food of the Gods, Part 3!

    I’m back with the third edition of Junk Food of the Gods, the series in which I raid supermarkets for neon slop that likely won’t be around for very long. Of course, when I put it that way, I’m not sure why I do this. Key Lime Pie Oreo Cookies! With still another month to

  • Junk Food of the Gods, Part 2!

    I’m back with the second edition of Junk Food of the Gods, featuring more salty trash. Most of these things will only be around for a couple of months, so if they interest you, do not delay. You can be healthy later. Ice cream named after dinosaurs needs your attention now. Jurassic Sma

  • Junk Food of the Gods, Part 1.

    I’m not sure if junk food has ever been as interesting as it is at this very moment. Everywhere I turn, I’m deluged by multicolored artificial things that work in sickly sweet pseudo-sugars the way Sirens work in song. It’s great! Below are five new or newish junk foods that struck