Freddy Krueger Fireworks!
I spent the weekend in New Hampshire, where the air was crisp, the leaves were golden, and the drive to get there was six and a half fucking hours.
I’d never been to New Hampshire before this trip, but now I’m an expert. Did you know that there are a lot of antique stores in New Hampshire? Now you do. Do you know who Ron Paul is? I hope so, or the signs on everyone’s lawns are going to be very confusing.
I also learned that fireworks are legal in New Hampshire!
And, my God, look what I found! FREDDY KRUEGER FIREWORKS!
Actually, if you want to get technical, *I* didn’t find them. A few of my nephews were sent on an errand to buy lots and lots of fireworks, because when you live in a town that allows them, I guess most family parties are fireworks-based?
Anyway, it hit me that there might be some Halloween-themed varieties on sale at this time of year, so I put in the call.
Me: Hey, if they have any Halloween fireworks, can you get them for me?
Nephew: Could you be more specific?
Me: I drank every ounce of liquor in your house last night. I cannot be more specific.
But my nephews did well. They found goddamned Freddy Krueger fireworks. Holee Sheet.
This container of dark power is titled “Freaky Friday,” because the only thing better than ripping off A Nightmare on Elm Street is ripping off Friday the 13th at the exact same time.
Fireworks packaging really is the best kind of art, and nothing proves that better than Freaky Friday. Though they changed his face to a more generic skull/demon thing, that’s obviously intended to be Freddy Krueger. In this iteration, Freddy is extra intense, seeming more like the ruler of Hell than just some freak who got trapped there. Also, this Freddy has been working out!
My nephews were disappointed to learn that I had no intentions of lighting this firework. They were even more disappointed when I conveniently forgot to pay them back for it. My glorious box of doom will remain on one of my office shelves, tempting fate upon every carelessly discarded matchstick.
Still, I was pretty curious to see what a Freaky Friday floral shell was capable of. Thank you, Internet!
It’s amazing that I can type the name of some random firework into Google, and find a video of the thing exploding three seconds later. From what I can tell, the flaming balls do not at all form into the loose silhouette of Freddy Krueger.
Knowing that, I’m glad I left mine not-blown-up.
The packaging is always better than the fireworks.
I can’t believe you’re going to keep a box of undetonated explosives in your house. You are the most dangerous man alive, and I’m glad I don’t live anywhere near you. I mean that in an impressed way.
“Flaming balls” always reminds me of this baseball card from 1991.
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/594387/dougjones.jpg
I worked in a fireworks store (Phantom Fireworks) as an assistant manager not all that long ago, and it was the worst experience of my life.
Also, fireworks that size cost about $60 a pop. No lie. I had people come in there and throw down $2,000 on fireworks, and that included buy one get one free. People who looked like they couldn’t afford to feed their children. Bunch of damn weirdos.
Where did your nephews go shopping? There’s a huge ass fireworks store right up the road from me in Hooksett. Never been there, but they have a really excellent lighthouse beacon in the converted barn’s widow’s peak for no good reason.
Building on the packaging better then the fireworks themselves thing that Mystery mentioned. When I was little my dad was stationed in Alaska, and fireworks were legal up there. But upon about the 3rd year living there, they outlawed them, but gave everyone a grace period to get rid of the fireworks. Several hundred Fireworks stands where shutting down, and since we lived the furthest away from any state ever, and you can’t transport explosives across the canadian border, the only thing these poor shop owners could do was sell off their inventory at insanely low prices. My dad walked in with a $100 bill and walked out with not even joking, the ENTIRE bed of his pickup truck full of fireworks. We shot those things off pretty much every day for a year and still had fireworks left over, but we found 1 firework that was about 12 inches in diameter and had a nuclear explosion on it. The devastation on that label showed entire townships getting leveled. So my dad and I decided that it was going to be the grand finale, so for a year and a half, we kept shoving it to the back of the closet while shooting off the other fireworks before hand. Finally the day arrived, we hauled it outside, lit it and I stood back expecting a few acres of our backyard to be a smoking barren wasteland in a few seconds. The fuse dwindled down, then took an excruciatingly long time to ignite the powder inside, there was a satisfying “Whumph” noise. The mortar flew up about 10 ft. exploded into about 3 red sparkles, the fizzled out. I was a sad little boy that christmas. I had lost all hope in humanity, I mean, who puts a picture of a nuclear explosion, when in reality it was 3 sparklers with a bottle rocket engine.
HOLY SHIT! How have I not ever seen this before? What a great find, and liquored up or no, I think the nephew deserves some sort of reward for having great instincts at least. Give him one of those messed up candy apples or something.
Fireworks are absolutely legal down here and I think if they ever outlawed them, you’d have a good-old-boy revolt on your hands. When it comes to the 4th of July around here, the only thing the rednecks like to do more than drink, is to get lit and blow shit up.
Fireworks are illegal in New Jersey, so I don’t usually see what packages they come in. I haven’t dealt with any since my dad would give us sparklers he got from family in other states and set off bottle rockets with my brother on the Fourth of July.
I honestly had no idea fireworks were illegal in other states. I guess I just take them for granted. We usually keep a few hundred pounds of them on the pool table…just in case.
My father shoots of fireworks professionally (though not as his day job). He’s actually in China right now overseeing the manufacturing of fireworks. I will try to talk to him about making more “Slasher Hero” themed fireworks.
When you cross into border towns in NH, the first thing you notice is signs for tattoo parlors and firework vendors. The state has a bit of an anarchic quality about it.
@Ryan Venson – “Bunch of damn weirdos.”
You could say that about anyone with a hobby or passion for anything. You don’t have to join in their fireworks fervor, but let’s not condemn people with different tastes. I’m sure someone could read our comments here and conclude that we’re also “damn weirdos” for getting excited about pumpkin decorating kits or dollar store masks or what have you.
The Ron Paul thing is hilarious. I’ve been following the election for a while, and Ron Paul hasn’t been a serious candidate in several months.
Err.. Something makes me worried that we’ll be hearing about a strange off season fireworks accident in a tri-state area home and then a long long pause –or maybe no more– updates on the site.
Really hate to see all that awesome stuff you have go up in hellish smoke.
Although I’m also willing to assume Kitty will be our prime suspect… Damn evil cats.
@Pirate John
I see it like Sons of Anarchy -this kindly place usually having with upper incomed folks has a dangerous underbelly holding it all together.
@Alucard
I’m from the NY/Conn bordetr and the closet place I knew of to get them was about 4hrs away in Maryland. So yeah, its wildly different in a lot of states and I’m actually suprised to hear its legal in NH.
I also like how the name Freddy is subliminally implied in
FREaky
FRiDaY
brb, setting up a Kickstart account to fund the purchase of a bitchin’ van with that painted on the side, including the “WARNING: SHOOTS FLAMING BALLS” part.
The box art = awesome. The actually firework in action = meh. I predict no less than 10 people will have that art work tattooed on their bodies by the end of the day.
I would have bought those in a heartbeat! Although looking at that pixelated video I think I would have been a bit disappointed at the end result. They’re better suited as an obscure memento. In my travels I’ve found that Freddy has a weird way of popping up in the most unexpected places. A few years ago on a similar road trip my wife (then girlfriend) and I were hiking in the woods in Indiana and at a tiny relief station stumbled across a f*cking authentic Freddy pinball machine! What are the odds!!
If the fireworks not having anything to do with Freddy Kruger is weird, then here’s something weirder: They make fireworks for CHILDREN in Japan. Yes, you heard me right, they made fireworks for CHILDREN in Japan, when children aren’t supposed to have them AT ALL. Here’s the proof:
http://img3.lln.crunchyroll.com/i/spire2/39ecf4fd13ab4cc14e8341bd035508b31312446173_full.jpg
Review the World:</strong 1) You and your wife are adorable. 2) That pinball machine… amazing. 0_o
HTML fail.
Thank you! And don’t worry about the HTML issue — I still don’t know how to use italics on here!
I always figured that if I were to own a pinball machine, it would be either Addams Family or Twilight Zone. That NoES one looks like it could give them a run for their money, though.
Freaky Friday, and has nothing to do with body switching?
“shoots flaming balls”… sounds like awfully specific sort of target, just grab some Goldbond or a shot of penicillin and you’re good to go.
Reminds me of the racist bit of childhood lore about bottlerockets.
Review the World I just looked at your Rap tapes article…the one song you where you don’t understand the title…She’s got a big Posse, just think about it for a second…Posse…sounds like…a naughty for a woman’s no no area…also beginning with P and kinda sounds like Posse
Really, the “bunch of weirdos” comments was meant for people who looked a little down on their luck and who could probably find a better use for their money, thus the “People who looked like they couldn’t afford to feed their children” line that comes directly in front of it.
I could care less what people spend their money on, God knows a lot of people would look at my movie collection and think I am a little peculiar, but still gotta have priorities.
Besides, it’s an off-the-cuff comment on a message board on a website called “Dinosaur Dracula.” Don’t read too much in to it…
@mandy Oh, yeah! Arabian Prince! Man, how did I not pick up on that? Guy wasn’t very subtle.
So, on topic for Halloween, I heard today (and saw confirmed on IMDB) there’s going to be a 3D sequel to Killer Klowns from Outer Space next year! Say what!?
I demand Jason Voorhees fireworks now. This is too awesome a potential fireworks battle to let slip through our hands.
Nightmare on Friday July 4th!
@Timbo i live just north of that place in hooksett on 28. whenever i drive by the stupid lighthouse light i think a cop is behind me. they have a TON of stuff in there and at pretty decent prices, tons of 2-for-1 deals too. Although they put your entire purchase into black trash bags, which seems a bit weird…
Oh man. Yes, New Hampshire is odd.
And you passed right by Salem. For shame.
that whole new england is a mystery to me; i’ve lived in oregon, cincinnati, and dallas, but i don’t know shit about new england, or even what states constitute the “tri-state” area.
i’m sure you guys all have specific prejudices about the different states up there, the same way southerners are racist, and west-coasters are hippies, etc., and that fascinates me.
@Boomingechoes There’s not a whole lot that’s not legal here in the 603. Fireworks are way legal, Seatbelts and motorcycle helmets are not required for adults, and NH is one of two states where it’s legal to film porn. Live Free or Die isn’t just a catchy license plate slogan.
@gristle.sauce The “Tri-State Area” in New England depends on which end of it you’re in. You can either be talking about VT/NH/ME or MA/CT/RI.
Being from Northern Vermont and now living in Southern New Hampshire is weird. Apparently when Massachussetts refers to “New England”, it’s only referring to itself. Fun Fact!