Hostess Cakes for Halloween!

Before I get to today’s delicious news, I’m happy to announce that Dino Drac’s Halloween Funpacks have finally been unveiled! October’s Funpack has a whole lotta Freddy Krueger, a new Ugly Mini Poster, a new specimen, an adorable Mordle, and more! Thanks to all subscribers, new and old! (Remaining quantities are limited! If you were considering subscribing, now is the time!)

Oh, sweet God in heaven or however it’s phrased, YES! They’re back! Hostess Halloween snack cakes! Shout this from rooftops!

When Hostess returned from the grave, I didn’t have high hopes for the seasonal stuff. I figured that they’d stick with the basics and avoid anything resembling a risk. Actually, Hostess has done just the opposite, releasing more “limited edition” snacks than ever before! (Hell, they even resurrected Chocodiles!)

So while it’s no huge surprise that they’d throw their name back into the Halloween hat, I’m still incredibly happy that they did. Hostess’s spooky treats have quietly been part of the Halloween Countdown’s lifeblood. In fact, they were one of the subjects of the very first Halloween Countdown, back in 2003!

I have mad respect for any Halloween food with that kind of tenure. I remember running around for Countdown materials back in 2003, and while there was plenty, there wasn’t nearly as much as there is in 2014. In a sense, Hostess’s treats are the ghoulish grandfathers of everything we see today.

Returning in 2014 are Hostess Glo Balls, a spooky spin on the normal Sno Balls. To set them apart from the boring regular versions, Glo Balls come with BLAZING ORANGE coconut shavings.

Surprisingly, the box design is not new. That hay-hatted pumpkin has been on boxes of Glo Balls since 2012, if not earlier. I personally preferred the even older boxes, which surrounded the treats with a cheaply Photoshopped outer glow. It was a more direct insinuation that what I was about to eat was radioactive. I can’t explain why that’s a plus. Sometimes, shit just is because it is.

I don’t think they changed the flavor of the shavings, so these taste no different than normal Sno Balls. (If you’ve never had a regular one, they’re tough to describe, and I’m not sure I could give a non-dirty analogy regarding the mouthfeel. I guess it’s like eating a cupcake that’s been attacked by a marshmallow blob, but that same marshmallow blob had previously been invaded by hundreds of parasitic coconut shavings. So basically it’s like eating a food war.)

Really, the thrill is in the color. I’ve seen Sno Balls in every shade, and while I don’t think Hostess will ever top the sterling blue ones made in tribute to Optimus Prime, orange is still pretty close to the top. Just looking at them spread on a paper plate has increased my Halloween spirit to incomprehensible levels.

In even bigger news, check out these Twinkies, now with ORANGE S’CREME FILLING!

I could be wrong, but isn’t this a first for Hostess? I’ve seen Twinkie goo in all sorts of colors, but I don’t recall “orange.” If this is truly a first, that’s huge. That’s the difference between this being a pleasant resurgence and a potential prizewinner for Best New Halloween Thing of 2014.

It’s interesting that they’d leave Twinkie the Kid unmolested on a box that’s been otherwise revamped for the Halloween season. (And no, you can’t argue that “cowboy” is his “costume.” Twinkie the Kid always wears that.) It’s like he’s unaware of his surroundings. Like he’s about to turn around and freak out over the big bats and creepy moon. This box should become an animated special, and I won’t rest until it has.

GORGEOUS. The creamy filling has been dyed orange, but it’s also been flavored orange, so these aren’t just normal Twinkies with a little extra food coloring.

The first thing that will get you is the smell. It’s very orangey. Overwhelmingly orangey. Real oranges smell less orangey than this.

Of course, the real draw is the color. Biting into a Twinkie and seeing a fluffy flood of orange is like getting an injection of liquid Halloween. I’m suddenly determined to throw a Halloween party. I’ll invite a bunch of thirtysomethings over, and watch them make disapproving faces when they see my plastic tablecloth and pitcherful of Hawaiian Punch. These Twinkies turn me into a six-year-old, and that one single positive washes away everything they do to my stomach.

(And yes, they taste good. Like a Twinkie mixed with a fancy orange cookie.)

Walmart only carried these two. No word on if Hostess is dusting off the Scary Cakes yet, or if other treats will get macabre revisions. If they stopped at Glo Balls and Twinkies, it’s still a home run. I feel uplifted, refreshed, and so very very full.