I wanted to create something out of marshmallows, so I asked the folks on Dino Drac’s Facebook page for suggestions. There were plenty of good ideas, but this one stood out:
“A fluffy spaceship, obviously. With super interesting aliens who have a unique, snack-based culture.”
Thank you, Damon. You saved me from having to think for myself. This sounded like a wonderful way to kill a half hour, and it was.
Armed with marshmallows and markers, I made the best damn marshmallow spaceship that thirty minutes would allow. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe I made some really ugly thing that would only resemble a spaceship if I begged you to say it did. You’re the judge and jury here, fuckers.
It’s the 7X-FGG212, a new model boasting top speeds with virtually no turbulence. The perfect vessel for smooth interplanetary travel.
It may look like the 7X-FGG212 has the odd distinction of being a spaceship with an open top, but of course it doesn’t. In fact, the ship employs an invisible canopy, allowing its passengers to feel like they’re in plain space even when they’re completely and totally protected from it.
This journey was no mere pleasure cruise, mind you. The crew of the 7X-FGG212 has a story to tell, and it is a goddamned marshmallow doozy. A tale of intrigue, sure, but also one of frightful oppression. If we’re lucky, it could become one of hope, too.
Officially, the ship belongs to the pacifistic Starmals of the planet Dextrosa. The Starmals are a quiet, peace-loving sort, and you’d never expect them to go on a mission involving murder and theft. And yet, that’s exactly what this is.
Don’t blame the Starmals, though. They are just following the orders of their planet’s wretched conqueror. The Starmals’ only crime is cowardice, but none who witness the wrath of Greezarkle would blame them.
Dextrosa wasn’t the first planet Greezarkle ever claimed, but it was definitely the easiest. The Starmals are technological wizards and impressive architects, but man, they sure blow at fighting.
It only took one disintegrated Starmal for the rest to fall in line, not that this kept Greezarkle from killing several hundred more. “Just for kicks,” or so he was reported to have said. With the citizens of Dextrosa effectively enslaved, Greezarkle soon set his bloodshot sights on other, bigger worlds.
But Greezarkle knew that expanding his empire would cost serious money. There were only so many missiles he could steal before wondering if it’d be easier to just buy the damn things.
And that was the whole reason for 7X-FGG212’s journey into space! After landing on a tiny, neighboring planet that had somehow grown filthy rich, Greezarkle quickly swiped around a thousand pounds’ worth of absurdly rare pepminto jewels – worth a pretty penny in every black market from Mars to Ka-Raskalvan.
With this many pepminto jewels, Greezarkle could afford any weapon. Any gun, any missile, any super-enhanced tank that transforms into a bipedal robot version of a tank, like the one Gobot that was truly worth buying. I think he was named Destroyer? Greezarkle would love a tank named that.
It’s been an especially trying mission for the Starmals, not that any endeavor supervised by Greezarkle isn’t. Their vile master has been in a particularly bad mood, and if I’m calling a spade a spade, this one is on the Starmals.
See, Greezarkle ordered them to stock the ship with plenty of extra food, and plenty of extra fuel. So they did, but they marked the food and fuel’s respective storage containers all with the same stupid “F.”
Murphy’s Law is large and in charge, and every time Greezarkle wants chicken, he gets a pail of stinky gasoline.
Sorry, Starmals. Maybe that was your subtle form of protest, but you should’ve known better.
Of course, not every Starmal is as spineless. Some have even spoken of a revolution. Perhaps this Starmal, who seems suspiciously bent on keeping a low profile, dreams of a brighter tomorrow for his people.
I wonder what his plan is?
Course, maybe he has no plan. Maybe he’s just hanging out there because the 7X-FGG212’s rear thrusters look so much like giant sushi. This is one Starmal who wishes he had his camera.
As the ship plows through black space on its way back to Dextrosa, we must wonder if it’ll ever make it. Between the possible revolt, the gas and chicken in identical containers, and the monstrous green guy who kills for sport, a whole lot of serious marshmallow shit could go down. At any given point.
Maybe it’ll get there. Maybe it won’t. Maybe the remaining Starmals of Dextrosa will shoot the ship to pieces just before it lands, considering their fallen brothers “collateral damage” in the great war against Greezarkle.
The possibilities are mushy and endless.
PS: I colored most of these marshmallows with scented markers. The black one really smelled like licorice!