Here’s another bunch of old junk food from my always-growing collection. At this point, our apartment stocks more old food than new food. It’s like the world’s most misleading pick for a emergency fallout shelter.
WWF Superstars of Wrestling Bars!
More commonly known as WWF Ice Cream Bars, absence has made our hearts grow fonder. One could argue that the desserts are more famous now than they ever were while still in production!
Being a wrestling fan helped, but even kids who’d never heard of Roddy Piper couldn’t resist these. With layers of soft cookie, vanilla ice cream and a hard chocolate “chaser,” each bar was like a mash of a Chipwich and a Fudgsicle.
WWF Ice Cream Bars debuted in the ‘80s and lasted through the early 2000s, with the gamut of “wrestler cookies” constantly being refreshed to reflect the most current roster.
As a kid, they were my #1 reason to treat every ice cream man like Santa Claus. Everything that came off of those trucks was fun, but WWF Ice Cream bars felt like edible collectibles. Were they not so delicious and meltable, I would’ve lined the whole series up on my bedroom shelf.
Slimer Fruit Snacks!
I’m surprised that these aren’t brought up more often. I guess we were all too consumed with Ecto Cooler?
Released in 1991, Slimer and The Real Ghostbusters Fruit Snacks included several theme-appropriate shapes, ranging from Stay Puft to the Ecto-1. You can see them all in this ancient X-E article. (Believe it or not, the box photographed there is not the same one. I luckily found another sealed box last year, ending the tormenting string of nightmares that stemmed from opening the first one. I’ve been suffering for your momentary pleasure forever.)
Slimer effectively acted as the Urkel of The Real Ghostbusters, commanding so much attention that the series grew to be more and more about him. Fans have long seemed divided over that evolution, but there’s no denying that it paved way for tons of awesomely goofy shit. Slimer Toothpaste, anyone?
Chef Boyardee’s TMNT Pasta!
I’ve covered this before, but only in its aluminum can form. This version is a single serve microwaveable cup, from a time when Chef Boyardee’s microwaveable cups were still new enough to seem magical.
I have such fond memories of cracking these open like tuna cans, and watching with glee as they bounced around the microwave, spewing tomato lava. The sauce tasted like orange peels and the pasta never warmed uniformly, but none of this mattered when I got to eat Chef Boyardee in my bedroom.
As you might guess, the pieces were shaped like tiny Ninja Turtles. Certain versions also came with mini meatballs, which I used to pretend were meteors from Dimension X. It’s what led me to spend several years misspelling it as “meateors.” So no, I suppose this wasn’t brain food.
Lay’s Pizza Chips!
While Lay’s still produces pizza-flavored chips, they’re nowhere near as gloriously simple as these were. There was nothing sophisticated about them. Just a bunch of regular potato chips dusted with the most cliched blend of pizza spices. It was definitely “pizza” in quotes.
What really sold me was the pizza graphic on each bag, all gooey and crude and looking like something that would’ve created long lines back in my junior high’s cafeteria. If you stare at it long enough, it looks less like a slice of pizza and more like a melting head.
Helping to get Lay’s Pizza Chips off the ground was no less than Obi-Wan Kenobi. The chips arrived in 1997, smack in the middle of Frito-Lay’s big co-promotion with Hasbro — the one that led thousands of junk food junkies to score free Spirit of Obi-Wan action figures.
How good were they? Well, that bag is still full, and despite it being nearly twenty years old, I’m so tempted.
Hi-C Boppin’ Berry!
Ecto Cooler has almost completely monopolized the market on Hi-C nostalgia, but there were a lot of fantastic flavors worth making petition.org accounts over.
Boppin’ Berry was basically just strawberry Hi-C, sure, but when fronted by a piano-playing anthropomorphic strawberry with a grassy mohawk and giant sunglasses, it became so much more.
Of all the packages photographed here, only the ice cream boxes no longer have their original contents. So yeah, I’m sitting on a giant pile of decades-old food. Keep an eye on me over the next few years, as I slowly mutate into something out of The Fly II.
If you want to get even hungrier for things you can no longer eat, go read about more old junk food in this older Dino Drac feature.
PS: Dino Drac’s February Funpack is still on sale — but they’re shipping out in about a week. Get in while you still can, if interested! Thanks in advance to all subscribers, old and new!