Red, White & Berry Pop-Tarts!

I found patriotic Pop-Tarts.

Okay, so exactly how popular are Pop-Tarts, anyway? I can’t name another food that gets anywhere near this many special editions. Kellogg’s goes nuts for every holiday, and I don’t just mean the big ones. If it’s on the calendar – any calendar – Kellogg’s makes a Pop-Tart for it. (For some holidays, they even make two!)

So no, I’m not surprised to see these. Frosted Red, White and Berry Pop-Tarts are “bursting with berry flavor” and colored like our nation’s flag. More importantly, they arrive in a box so aggressively celebratory that I’m halfway crocked just from looking at it.

I say this whenever a new one comes out, but I mean it this time. There has never been a prettier Pop-Tart.

I know I’m in the minority on this, but I look at Pop-Tarts as I would any painting. I admire the colors and the strokes, and I try to figure out what it all means. When something looks this good, it must have something to say. You don’t get this dolled up just for the hell of it.

So go ahead, filthy American Pop-Tart. The floor is yours. Make us believe what you believe.

Is it possible to look at them and be in a bad mood? Only if you’re surrounded by death and financial peril. I’m printing photos of these and taping them all over the house. So long as I’m home, pain will never register. I’ll stub my toe on the vacuum cleaner, look up, see the Pop-Tarts, and forget that it hurts.

And no, I’m not overstating things. Let’s replace the entire sky with the image of a Red, White and Berry Pop-Tart. Let’s see how people treat each other after that.

The pastry portions are heavenly red. Not so red that they remind us of blood or anything icky, but still red enough to pass as part of Old Glory. Paired with white frosting that’s been dotted with red-and-blue candy sprinkles, each Pop-Tart looks like the tongue of some freaky Uncle Sam robot monster.

The flavor is… okay, I guess? The red gunk in the middle tastes like regular strawberry jam, and the pastry itself, while sugary, is fairly muted. It’s good, but like Patriotic Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers, this is another all-American edible with a flavor that can’t match wits with its colors.

That was Kellogg’s subtle way of telling us, “THESE ARE NOT FOR EATING.” Strange that they’d mix Caps Lock with subtlety, but I never pretended to understand Kellogg’s.

Where was I?

Oh, right. “THESE ARE NOT FOR EATING.” They’re not! Forget printing up pictures. We’re supposed to just nail these to our walls directly, and enjoy the visual stimulation for as long as they stay fresh.

Case closed, motherfucker.

  • J

    a friend of mine use to buy those plain pop tarts and a jar of frosting and frost it himself

  • King JLA

    I’m just looking for the Peanut Butter and Chocolate PB ones I saw on Mystie’s website.

  • M. Oleman

    As someone who has spent a lot of time in the building trades I’m curious as to whether that Pop Tart is anchored to a stud or just into the drywall.
    Either way, bravo.

  • M. Oleman

    When I see that for sale somewhere I’ll remember I heard it here first.

  • Max Tailchaser

    Am I the only one who doesn’t like Pop tarts? Probably because my mother wouldn’t buy them for me for breakfast…it was a fight just to get Cooke Crisp or Frosted Flakes. Once I was actually able to buy a box, they were as appetizing as a chocolate covered lobster tail.

  • M. Oleman

    I’m not crazy about them either. But once when I was hungover at work I bought an Apple Strudel Pop Tart out of a vending machine and it was really good, so I suppose that should be taken into consideration.

  • Tim M

    Unfrosted Pop tarts are the only kind I like. I can’t stand frosting.

  • Sensei John Kreese

    I can understand that. Everyone’s got their own tastes.

  • Toasty

    The only flavor I like is the plain strawberry, and even then kind of last resort kinda food. The best thing about pop tarts is they’re about the laziest “hot” food you can eat, probably about as healthy as eating a bunch of sweettarts rolled up in bread though.

  • DJ D

    These look great! I only eat pop-tarts once a year or so though, and even then regret it almost right away. I tend to be pretty boring with it. I like the standard strawberry filling and I have to have the ones with icing on them, but other than that, I don’t really go too far outside of my comfort zone. And afterward, I feel like I have to spend the next week brushing my teeth.

    Since I’ve spent the last 2 days catching up on old articles, I’m kind of late to the party on the discussion. To that end, on the topic of Zelda, I too own the original gold cartridge, but it’s totally wasted on me. I am apparently missing the gene that everyone else was born with which makes them love the game. I just don’t get it. And I meant that in nearly every sense. As a kid, I just didn’t understand the game. I’m sure it would make more sense now, but it seemed like all you did was run around and stab guys, but I didn’t understand the goal or where I was supposed to go. Sounds stupid I know, but it just didn’t click with me at all and it honestly bored me to tears. So, as shocking as this may sound, I’ve probably dragged the game out and played it a total of 5 times in my life, each time just ending up bored and confused. To this day, I still don’t understand it and have never played it for more than 5 minutes at a time.

    In other news, it was officially announced this week that Friday, September 13th will see the release of ALL 12 FRIDAY THE 13TH FILMS RELEASED IN A BLU-RAY BOX SET! Just in time for Halloween!

    Lastly, not to be a Debbie Downer and all contrary because everyone seems to be used to it now, but I’m still not down with this Disqus thing. I’m sorry, but I just really don’t like it. I miss the old feature of being able to preview your comment in real time as you type it down below (that was so perfect for this site), so that’s a major drawback for me. I LOVED that feature. Also, while I know I’ll get notifications for replies to my comments in the My Disqus section, I don’t get notified for all the other replies that I’m not part of, so I still have to keep scrolling through the entire thread looking for new little threads that have popped up.

    So yeah, Matt, while you know I’ll always be a regular here no matter what you do with the place, I’ve still got to respectfully give a major thumbs down to Disqus, and in my version of a perfect world, this thing would revert back to the old system right away. Sorry. I love ya, buddy, but the cons WAY outweigh the pros here.

  • DJ D

    Just took a second to catch up with Mummy Shark while I was at it. The Star Trek: TNG/Family Ties mashup cracked me right the hell up. Well done! I’d totally forgotten about water paint books and how fun those things were.

  • Will Webster

    That is a handsome Pop Tart.

  • Matt

    I am all over that F13 set. The book that comes with it is excerpted from the GREATEST F13 THING EVER, “Crystal Lake Memories.” Seriously, if you don’t have that book, make a point to buy it. It’s an incredible labor of love and damn interesting. The info in there has never been repeated anywhere else, since so much of it comes from long, great interviews exclusive to the book.

    Disqus responses!

    1. I liked the preview feature, BUT, I feel like an edit feature is just as good.

    2. Regarding the mini-threads and needing to scroll through: The thing is, those side discussions plainly would not happen in the old system. There was no good setup to replying to someone else, and so it happened sparingly. (And to be honest, I wouldn’t have allowed it to happen in the old system the way it can conceivably happen now, because it’d be incredibly messy for people to give a short reply to someone 20-30 comments later.) I also feel like you’d need to scroll around much *more* in the old system. If Jack says “hey Jill” on Page 4 and you didn’t read Jill’s comment on Page 1, there’s much more clicking and searching involved.

    3. I am still looking into how to pretty things up a bit. It seems hard to do, but one thing I really want is a line separator between “core” comments. Meaning, each mini-thread would seem more self-contained. I believe this would be a tremendous visual improvement and can’t believe it’s so hard to do.

    But overall I think it’s too early to know for sure. I knew there would be resistance from anyone who was used to the old way, and to be honest, it’s taking me time to get used to it, too. At the same time, I’ve noticed lots of new names popping up and we really haven’t had many threads that even called for inspired discussion. (The Zelda post being a good example. I’m not judging this based on “# of comments” because that’s a shitty way to judge things, but there were some interesting side discussions in that thread that in no way, shape or form would’ve ever happened the old way.)

    So right now I’m kind of “auditioning” different types of posts to see how things work out. We’ll see how it goes, but everything is backed up locally, still.

  • Annette

    You’re not the only one. I can’t stand them.

  • Annette

    I saw these when I was zoning groceries at Malwart the other day, and thought of you, Matt.

  • Sensei John Kreese

    Personally, I think number three would be the biggest improvement. Just a tidier/cleaner look when comments start getting multiple replies. The more replies to replies there are, the more cluttered it looks. And I know I’ve been involved in many of them.

  • Whalley Range

    I’m glad DJ D broke the ice on this one. My two pennies is/are that I’m getting overwhelmed by the comments. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I love reading the astute and witty observations of DinoDrac readers, new and old. So, it’s really a good thing. But, at the same time, there’s just so much to read through now!

  • Matt

    Yeah I think at the very least, we should try to pull back on the replies ever so slightly. Not in a huge way, just a general “add when you have something to really add” rule.

  • DJ D

    Re: THE GREATEST F13 THING EVER — I SO agree! Crystal Lake Memories was phenomenal. I got it for Christmas a couple years ago and couldn’t believe how extensive and comprehensive it was. If you’re a F13 fan and haven’t picked this thing up yet, do yourself a favor and get it.

    Also in F13 news, they’ve officially greenlit a sequel to the remake from a few years ago. I wasn’t too hot about it, but at least we know another one is on the way, for good or for bad.

  • Aja

    I’m late to the party, but you actually nailed a pop-tart to your wall. lololol

  • Teddy Ray

    I haven’t been by here in a few days, I come back and the comments are back to the old way. I liked the Disqus system myself…oh well, the needs of the many etc.

    I’m not crazy about Pop Tarts, but I buy them anytime I see a new flavor I think I’ll like. Or whenever you write about them, which means I need to find these now. I got some chocolate peanut butter Pop Tarts last week and I haven’t even tried them yet. I had completely forgotten about them until I read this. So thanks, Matt!

    “The best thing about pop tarts is they’re about the laziest “hot” food you can eat, probably about as healthy as eating a bunch of sweettarts rolled up in bread though. -Toasty

    …and now I want to roll up a bunch of sweettarts in bread and eat it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

  • Jeremy

    Just had some of these, and, well, I was disappointed. They weren’t anything special at all, and the pastry was not that good.

    The Peanut Butter Pop-Tarts, on the other hand, are OUTSTANDING! Just did my own write up about those today. The Chocolate Peanut Butter flavor is good, but the regular Peanut Butter flavor is wonderful. You gotta hunt them down!

  • AdamX

    Just got to try some of these recently. I concur 100%. Odd taste but real pretty to look at.