Let me get something off my chest.
I loved Chips Ahoy cookies as a kid. So much, in fact, that I invented a new way to eat them.
I’d chew one cookie into a disgusting paste, and then spread that paste over a fresh one. The result was a Chips Ahoy cookie topped with some kind of Chips Ahoy tapenade.
I cannot tell a lie. It was delicious.
I’m only comfortable sharing this information now that there’s more than fifteen years separating me from the crime.
And that, somehow, was my introduction to this. A tribute to Sprinkled Chips Ahoy cookies.
I don’t remember exactly when they came out. “1990” seems like a safe guess. I understand that this is a “you had to be there” thing, but boy, if you were there, you totally understand why I’m semi-erect right now. These cookies were a party.
I’ll be honest. In terms of Chips Ahoy cookies no longer with us, I always preferred Striped Chips Ahoy, which were as close as we’ll ever get to a marriage between Nabisco and Keebler. Still, there’s no denying that the sprinkled versions were more joyous. Just looking at them made people happy.
The packaging was a big part of it. It was too loud, too obnoxious and too beautiful to ignore. Arriving in white bags adorned with party ribbon graphics, there was no such thing as sadness within twenty feet of Sprinkled Chips Ahoy.
As you would expect, these were just normal Chips Ahoy cookies with sprinkles on top. That sounds easy enough to replicate:
1. Put Chips Ahoy cookies on a plate.
2. Add sprinkles.
The problem is that it’s hard to make the sprinkles stick like Nabisco did. You’d probably need to nuke the cookies into softer territory to make that happen. Alternatively, I guess you could shake the sprinkles in a bag filled with egg whites first. Can’t say I’m not tempted, because if there’s one delight in this universe that’s as indisputable as it is inexplicable, it’s separating egg yolks from egg whites.
I LOVE DOING THAT.
Whoa, who is this fine chap?
I’ll tell you who he is. He’s a cookie who wears shorts, which in concept alone suggests that we’ve been shielded from viewing cookie genitalia. Thank you, Mr. Cookie. What others call shame, I call good taste.
If you weren’t paying attention during Sprinkled Chips Ahoy’s heyday, this TV commercial will make you understand why it was such a big deal. In fact, I think I need to go through the commercial frame by frame to fully convey its magnificence. I’ll do that below!
It’s a boring day at school, and who better to host a boring day at school than Ben Stein? Has there ever been a TV commercial about a boring day at school that didn’t star Ben Stein? How did advertisers handle this before he was born? What will they do when he dies?
How close are we to cloning humans?
One of Ben’s students has HAD ENOUGH. School isn’t for learning, it’s for eating. Reaching into his desk’s storage compartment — which for some reason is bathed in the light of an unseen bug zapper — this kid is about to change the course of history with the bite of just one cookie.
While Ben continues doing his Ben Stein Chalkboard Stuff, the kids go absolutely berserk. As a byproduct of eating Sprinkled Chips Ahoy, the entire classroom transforms into a nightclub, complete with rock music and confetti.
The voice-over guy refers to the sprinkles as “magical,” which would’ve seemed like a stretch if we hadn’t just seen them turn P.S. 11 into Camden Palace.
“A party in every bite!”
It was all about the presentation. The fact is, I even preferred normal Chips Ahoy to the sprinkled kind. That never stopped me from choosing Sprinkled Chips Ahoy, though. Only a fool would discount the small but proven chance to create mass pandemonium by biting a cookie.
I’m not sure when they died, likely because I was well past the age to keep tabs on such things by the time they did.
I wonder if there’s some way to make Nabisco bring them back? Please don’t suggest an online petition, because there’s nothing more weaksauce. Perhaps I should consult Mr. Cookie.
Mr. Cookie, can you tell me how to bring Sprinkled Chips Ahoy back from the dead?
Who woulda thought that an almost-naked anthropomorphic cookie could be such sick bastard?