Okay guys, we need to talk about Tree Warrior.
Tree Warrior is part of the True Legends line, a collection of low cost, lower quality fantasy toys.
If you’re a TRU hound, you’ve probably seen their aisle full of True Legends offerings, ranging from battle-ready elves to giant neon dragons. The toys cut a few corners to make sense of their fantastically low retail prices, but the themes are great and they really do look good.
I was happy enough to admire them from afar, but there’s just no turning down Tree Warrior. Someone on Facebook gave me the tip, and I would’ve gladly spent triple what Toys “R” Us wanted. (A mere ten bucks!)
Standing at a bulky nine inches, he looks like something out of Inhumanoids. While the box offers little in the way of a Tree Warrior origin story, I imagine he must be heroic. If Tree Warrior maims and steals, it’s only to provide for the forest’s less fortunate, more inanimate trees. You’ve heard of Robin Hood? This is Robin Wood.
Looking vaguely like the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters, Tree Monster uses a giant spiky log as a weapon, which I suppose is a bit redundant even if it does dramatically extend Tree Monster’s bash-reach. Coming out of this paragraph, you should have a clear understanding of what a run-on sentence actually is.
Here we see Tree Monster beating the hell out of assorted True Legends creatures. I think they’re called “Orcs.” They look like Shrek-versions of Gamorrean Guards. I’m totally okay with Tree Monster killing them.
Only during a bloody war do we see everything Tree Monster has to offer:
– Big flat feet that make him impossible to knock over.
– The ability to carry standard-sized action figures like cans of soup.
– Eyes that betray no exertion nor irritation, adding insult to injury for any idiot stupid enough to throw plastic axes at him.
– A mouth large enough to SWALLOW PEOPLE WHOLE.
Yeah, about that last one…
The mouth is the best thing about Tree Warrior. I mentioned Inhumanoids earlier; Tree Warrior is the absolute midpoint between Redlen and D. Compose. I want to shake the hands of everyone behind the True Legends collection. Even the people who give off screwball vibes.
Especially those people, actually. They’re the ones most capable of dreaming up something like Tree Warrior. They’re the ones with the sort of subtle gumption needed to walk into a big suit’s office and pitch “tree guy with big mouth.” Thank you, thank you, and yes you can creepily take this small gesture as an invitation to crash here.
Admittedly, there is one downside to Tree Warrior. He looks great from the front, but not so much from the back, where he’s half-hollow and full of undetailed plastic. But then, that’s why we’re getting him so cheap.
These days, it’s rare for me to be so completely compelled to buy an action figure, as if driven by unseen forces that cursed me to do so. I have no regrets. Tree Warrior will forever be in my living room, set upon the coffee table as a mutant remote control holder.
He’s available online, but since shipping doubles the price, I’d suggest sticking with in-store purchases. After all, if you’re going to spend $20, you might as well spend $20 on two Tree Warriors.
…I NEED ANOTHER TREE WARRIOR.