Surely you remember Cinn*A*Burst!

The legendary gum was Warner-Lambert’s attempt to do battle with Wrigley’s Big Red. How on Earth did they lose that war?!

Cinn*A*Burst hit the scene in September of 1991, just as I was entering the seventh grade. I hated all of middle school, but the seventh grade was a special kind of awful.

I was awkward and unpopular. I wore terrible clothes. My hair looked like the world’s biggest mushroom cap. My primary modes were “easy to ignore” and “easy to target.”

I mention this not to be maudlin, but because Cinn*A*Burst was actually my best weapon against the perils of junior high. In the seventh grade, you could buy your way out of plenty of trouble with the right gum.

Cinn*A*Burst was infused with “flavor crystals,” giving it a boost of candied spice and an oddly pleasant crunch. Everybody loved Cinn*A*Burst. At least, every kid in my junior high school did.

Five days a week, I’d bring at least six packs of it to school with me. Generally speaking, the kids I might’ve had issues with chose to let me live… as long as I shared my gum. I was like Augustus with his corn doles, only instead of becoming a beloved ruler, my reward was to not get punched in the ear.

I don’t know exactly when Cinn*A*Burst stopped being made, but it did. By then, I wasn’t paying attention. This amazing gum that meant so much for my mouth and social status went out with a whimper, and I’ll forever regret not being there during its time of need. All I can do now is help to keep the memory alive.

To jog your memories, below are examinations its five best TV commercials:

#1: Cinn*A*Burst: May Not Be Suitable For Adults!

Cinn*A*Burst was marketed as a “renegade gum,” perfect for kids but anathema for adults. Honestly, we all kind of bought it. Seeing these classically stereotypical teachers talk smack about Cinn*A*Burst just made it seem that much more appealing.

Love the random shots of those cool teens — some of whom looked to be in their twenties — treating packs of Cinn*A*Burst like heaven-sent, tabloid-approved accessories. (I remember aspiring to be just like that blonde kid. The one who uses a pack of Cinn*A*Burst like a hacky sack. He clearly had it all. And now he’s 58 years old.)

#2: Cinn*A*Burst: Shark Eats A Wrestler!

Years after Cinn*A*Burst was already established, OUT CAME THE SHARKS. These guys were fantastic! The same two appeared in several commercials, and the setup was always the same. Shark #1 eats someone with Cinn*A*Burst breath, and Shark #2 is all jealous and congratulatory.

In this version, Shark #1 just got through eating a pro-wrestler. (And he’s not lying, because we see a teeth-torn championship belt drifting in the water.) The sharks have zero remorse for the fallen grappler, and in fact giggle about how stupid wrestlers are!

You had to love these guys. They were antiheroes of the truest kind.

#3: Cinn*A*Burst: Shark Eats A Surfer!

More of the same, but with a surfer replacing the wrestler. Most memorable about this version is how psychotic Shark #2 acts, mixing repeated phrases with from-left-field cackles. A pure delight for anyone dark enough to admire the concept of evil sharks being used as a method to sell gum.

#4: Mint*A*Burst: Shark Eats A Surfer!

Cinn*A*Burst was popular enough to warrant a few spinoffs, like Mint*A*Burst. While the original matched wits with Big Red, I suppose Mint*A*Burst was Warner-Lambert’s answer to Wrigley’s Doublemint. (As an aside, between the asterisks and the italics, this post is a real PITFGDA to write.)

This commercial is almost exactly the same as the previous, but now the sharks brag about that dead surfer while swimming in minty green water. It’s a mindfuck to watch one right after the other, but I suppose CG shark commercials weren’t cheap to produce. My loyalty is to Cinn*A*Burst, but I can’t deny that this glowing emerald sea is pretty damn appetizing.

(I can’t explain it. It just is.)

#5: Fruit*A*Burst: An Explosion Of Flavor!

The last of the trio was Fruit*A*Burst. The NegaDuck version of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit.

This ad had a message! Fruit*A*Burst was TOTALLY EXTREME! They portrayed it as a bomb, with the pack having a lit fuse and everything. When it explodes, all of the super cool kids fly off into space, surrounded by giant limes and oranges.

I guess it works, but I do miss the sharks.

Now, some of these ads are from the late ‘90s. By then, companies had discovered this here “internet” thing, leading to product websites with Geocities-level designs, most with the kind of charm that one can only truly appreciate in retrospect.

The website mentioned in these commercials – burstgum.com – is no longer online, but if there was ever a reason to consult the Wayback Machine, it’s to piece together bits from Cinn*A*Burst’s old website.

 
The above screenshots (that’s a slideshow, if you didn’t notice) come from the 1996 version of Cinn*A*Burst’s website. The sharks were the primary stars, and there was even a side page dedicated to real life shark facts!

Owing to the Burst trio’s “extreme” motif, there were also links to unrelated “x-treme sports” pages, along with lists of alternative rock bands. (?!!)

Even stranger is that this website — this website that only existed to promote chewing gum — was sponsored by Tetra. Tetra as in, “the company that sells fish food.” I get the tenuous link to the sharks, but still… huh?

Still, there was one extra special bit of gold hiding deep within those pages:

The official Burst Gum screensaver!

Miraculously, the download still worked, but just so you can avoid the goose chase, I’ve uploaded it here.

It is GLORIOUS. The screensaver starts with the sharks swimming over black. Then it changes to random Burst Gum advertisements that blur and blink and make my computer feel so much older than it really is. As an added bonus, every element gets “shark bit” into nothingness before something else pops up. I believe those in showbiz call that the “shark wipe.”

Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if that file destroys your computer. I don’t know if there are any safety issues involved with installing promotional screensavers from 1996. Personally, I think pixilated sharks that yell about gum are worth any risk.

Love you, Cinn*A*Burst. In my dreams, I still chew you.

Playmates’ original collection of Ninja Turtles toys survived for longer than you might’ve noticed, because if you’re around my age, you probably outgrew five-inch Donatellos before the rest of the world did.

It’s a shame, because as the line entered its final years, Playmates made some desperate but creative attempts to keep those Turtles afloat. Objectively speaking, many of the collection’s best figures came out near the end.

Here’s one example:

Believe it or not, this existed! “Sumo Raphael,” released in 1995, was just one of the seemingly countless revamps to the main Turtles, who by that point had been everything from astronauts to cowboys to Universal Monsters. I always preferred unique characters to the endless Ninja Turtle revisions, but when they worked, they really worked.

And a big-bellied Raphael with Yokozuna’s hair? Yeah, that really worked.

Raph and Mikey were the only two to get sumo upgrades, and the most striking thing about them was, of course, their size. Sumo Raphael is easily one of the bulkiest of all Ninja Turtles figures, with a weight and girth that almost makes him seem “too big” to have been sold for the same price as a “normal” figure. (And for all I know, he wasn’t.)

But the size is just the start of it. Every detail is top notch. From the veiny muscles to the thickened thighs, it looks more like a small statue than an action figure. Still, the usual articulation is there, and Sumo Raph can move his arms, legs and head just as easily as Not Sumo Raph.

His big gut is the best part. Playmates didn’t just “hint” at it. Raph’s stomach is REALLY pronounced. Counting the moobs, his torso looks like a big gorilla head.

On the accessory front, Sumo Raph comes with twin sai, an impossibly large sumo blade, and most adorably of all, “Wacky Wooden Sumo Sandals.”

The figure would’ve been worth buying even without the sandals, but Playmates just kept going with the awesomeness. A button on Sumo Raph’s back makes his hair rotate, which is just about the strangest feature an action figure could ever have. I appreciate the extra oomph, but I can’t help but wonder what was going through Playmates’ heads.

Supervisor: He’s almost there, but can we make the hair spin in circles?

Artist Guy: Huh? Why would his hair do that?

Supervisor: WIND, you fucker. W-I-N-D.

Good Christ, and I thought I was bad with the superfluous adjectives. Summarizing the thousand words they somehow crammed into Sumo Raph’s cutout biography, his hobbies include eating and beating up the Foot Clan.

Sumo Raph was also among the elite figures to come with a metallic “Kowabunga Collector Coin,” which will now sit in my wallet until that fateful day when I absentmindedly try to buy something from 7-Eleven with it. Which will suck, because then I’ll need to find a new 7-Eleven. I like mine.

I’d never even heard of Sumo Raphael until a few years ago, which inspired a closer inspection of the many other Ninja Turtles figures I missed out on. If you’ve never looked into the tail end of the collection, I strongly suggest that you do so. To whet your appetite, there was everything from “Robotic Bebop” to a mutant monkey named “Sergeant Bananas.” These aren’t things you can afford to ignore!

I’m not sure what the normal criteria for reviewing action figures is, but I’ll give it a shot:

Durability:
8 out of 10. I’m not testing this, but I think Sumo Raph would survive a fast pitch into concrete.

Articulation:
8 out of 10. When Sumo Raph lifts his left arm, he looks like he’s only narrowly failing to do the Vulcan salute.

Colors:
8 out of 10. Sumo Raph’s skin is a pleasant shade of green. Like grass, but really healthy grass.

Ability To Stand On One Foot Without Human Assistance:
0 out of 10. Sumo Raph cannot do this.

So, 24 out of 40, but with 10 bonus points for the sandals.

Final score:
34 out of 40. At worst, that’s an A-.

If you’ve been around Dino Drac long enough, you’ve probably read my article about the legendary Toys “R” Us Treat Box. Of course, “legendary” may be too strong a word, since I seem to be the only one who remembers them. Thank God for material evidence.

Brother, you missed out. At scattered points during the ‘90s, TRU paired up with various sponsors to give away cardboard “lunchboxes,” filled with samples and coupons. More importantly, every time they ran the promotion, the box had a different and even more awesome theme. (I already told you about the Batman Returns version, which included, among other things, a cutout Catwoman mask.)

Now here’s another, from later that year: The Jurassic Park “R” Treat Box!

Jurassic Park debuted in June of ‘93, but this box is actually from late ’92. That should give you an idea of how long and deep the film’s marketing ran.

These giveaways were promoted in TRU’s Sunday circulars, and whenever they came around, I was always there. I cannot possibly overstate how much I loved the “R” Treat Boxes! They were free with any (literally any) purchase, so it’s not like you had to jump through any major hoop to get one.

I don’t have the original samples that were once tucked inside, but imagine things like a pack of gum and a teensy bit of Crest toothpaste. If you were lucky enough, there’d even be a bag of chips or cookies. I remember treating those things like priceless artifacts that were to be left unmolested for all of time. (For roughly ten minutes. Then I ate everything.)

The free junk made me feel like such a star, but even the empty boxes were worth celebrating. Covered with good reasons to cut them into a million pieces, here are the key features of the Jurassic Park version:

I suppose the grandest freebie is this collection of cutout Jurassic Park figures, including three dinosaurs, a couple of warning signs, and just enough cardboard stands to keep everything upright. They aren’t remotely to scale, unless we’re to assume that the “HEY WEAR GOGGLES” sign was printed on a ten foot strip of aluminum.

And hey, maybe it was. I’m just saying… raptors ain’t bigger than triceratopses.

One of the side panels features this maze, which, at least on a passing glance, seems impossibly difficult. There are four ultra squiggly paths, three of which leading to dino damnation. Making matters worse are the instructions, which clearly state that the fate of the entire world rests on your ability to navigate that giant pile of whale intestines. As such, I will only volunteer to be a starting gate cheerleader. Somebody else can save the planet. There isn’t enough cobalamin in the entire state of New York to prepare me for this kind of pressure.

OH AND PS: Yeah, it’s real easy to solve the maze at this size. The maze’s actual size is much smaller. I stand by my words. I stand by them because I don’t want to kill my cobalamin reference.

Here’s my favorite activity. You get three cutout “puzzles,” representing a tyrannosaur, a dilophosaur and a gallimimus. All three of those things might need to be capitalized, but I never graduated college. And I’m not sure that having done so would make any difference.

Each dinosaur is separated into three parts, and the box encourages us to create mutants by mixing-and-matching. I’m particularly fond of the one on the left, who’s just a hat and raincoat away from passing as a mysterious person.

“Hank” wants to see you.

Outside.

It took much soul-searching and head-smacking to make myself okay with cutting up this box. If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that life will not bring many additional opportunities to procure an intact Jurassic Park “R” Treat Box. Thing is, this was already a short post, and there wouldn’t have been any meat to it if I didn’t bust out the scissors. I suffered for your pleasure, as I always do.

Remember that when I require your blood.

Last night on Dino Drac’s Facebook page, I randomly opened an old pack of Garbage Pail Kids. Doing so stirred many memories of my childhood GPK obsession, which had some incredible highs and lows.

If you were alive at the time, you should remember the highs. Collecting Garbage Pail Kids was something most kids had in common. You could talk about those cards with just about anyone. They were a way to turn the most distant acquaintance into a fast friend. We’d compare collections, trade our doubles, and just be so comfortable in the weirdness of it all. Hey, everyone else was doing the same thing.

The lows, at least around here, happened after word spread that they were “bad luck.” Things changed instantly. If you had GPK stickers on your marble notebooks, it was time to scratch them off. To be seen with them was to basically be a leper via accessory. Garbage Pail Kids were already sliding in popularity, but this was a different kind of peer pressure. Nobody wanted “the curse.”

Opening up that pack also reminded me that I had this. Garbage Pail Kids were popular enough to inspire legions of would-be usurpers. Over the years, there must have been dozens of upstart trading card sets that took more than a little inspiration from them. Very few of those sets caught on in any memorable way, but if you were a kid who liked disgusting trading cards, boy, you had options.

What you see above is the teaser card for Trash Can Tots, a shameless GPK ripoff distributed solely through vending machines in the ‘80s. Sold in uncut strips of three, the set is legendary among GPK diehards for its crude art and uninspired designs.

At core, those diehards are right. The art is really simplistic, and the characters are pretty plain. But there’s still something undeniably charming about these. I can’t help but think “Year 1 Neopets” when I look at them. (They were also great for kids who loved mimicry, because who couldn’t draw and color a Trash Can Tot?)

When compared to legit Garbage Pail Kids, the Trash Can Tots’ “gore and cruelty” levels were clearly toned down. Very few of them were indisputably gross, and many were actually pleasant. (“Jammin’ Joey,” for example, limited his weirdness to listening to a Walkman.)

I remember designing my own Garbage Pail Kids as a child. They weren’t this sugary, but the art was comparable. Trash Can Tots really did look like the work of a second grader. An extremely awesome second grader.

Their “lightness” had to be intentional, since real GPKs were controversial enough to be frequently banned in households, if not entire schools. In contrast, nobody could get too upset over “Slim Tim,” whose biggest offense was being skinny.

Hey look, they had one for me! They even got the hair right.

New video!

Back in 1994, Wrigley teamed up with Sega to bring us SONIC THE HEDGEHOG LIFE SAVERS.

There were two types. “Blue Rad” was a tongue-coloring raspberry flavor, while “Hot Rings” was a spicy beast that I actually still had a pack of.

This is their story, complete with a Hot Rings taste test:

And now I’m once again dying for a pet hedgehog.

Remember to subscribe to Dino Drac on YouTube!

With summer just over a month away, I’m only a little early in launching Dino Drac’s latest recurring feature. Introducing The Popsicle Parade, a multi-part series celebrating dozens of the wonderful things we used to buy from ice cream trucks!

There’s a certain “artistry” to popsicles that’s easy to admire. The colors! Those weird shapes! The impressive skill with which random cartoon characters’ heads were somehow forged out of quick-melting water ice!

Nearly none of the treats I’ll be featuring are still on the market. They came out at various points in the past 25 years, delighting our eyes and stomachs for a limited time only. Don’t let any of these things make you too specifically hungry, because you just can’t get most of these beauts anymore.

#1: Street Sharks Popsicle!

Street Sharks was a mid ‘90s cartoon about heroic shark-men who battled a bunch of bizarre humanoid sea creatures. You could whittle it down to “Ninja Turtles with sharks,” but the series wouldn’t have such a cult following if the story stopped there. (Of course, the fact that Street Sharks had such amazing toys didn’t hurt.)

This popsicle takes its likeness from Ripster, the “great white” Street Shark who served as team leader. Course, you don’t need to care one bit about the series to appreciate a shark popsicle with tiny bubble gum eyes. The fact that its flesh was made of somewhat unusual strawberry ice made it all the sweeter.

#2: Big Bang Popsicle!

Edible Americana, but with a twist. The last of the three “sections” was stuffed with Pop Rocks, which aside from heightening the flavor, also made the popsicle crackle and pop in our mouths!

A brilliant upgrade, no doubt. While I wouldn’t have normally chosen an everyday “Bomb Pop” over the slew of icy hero heads waiting in the ice cream truck, that Pop Rocks bonus would’ve changed everything.

#3: Klondike Double Decker Sandwich!

Okay, technically, this isn’t a popsicle. I’ll be breaking that rule fairly often during this series, so get used to it.

The beauty of the Double Decker was how it helped us skirt guilt. Surely there have been times when no single item from the ice cream truck would’ve been enough to satisfy you. Klondike’s Double Decker was almost as good as buying two treats, while totally removing the fear that the ice cream man might call you a demon. No longer would we pretend to pick up second desserts for imaginary younger sisters. If we wanted to feel sickly full, the Double Decker was our lord and savior.

#4: WWF Superstars Ice Cream Bar!

One of the most famous popsicles ever! With a middle of vanilla ice cream and a backplate of hardened milk chocolate, the key component was the mushy cookie front, each stamped with the likeness of a pro-wrestler!

Debuting in the ‘80s, WWF Ice Cream Bars survived for ages, never changing the core formula but always swapping the featured wrestlers. (Lex Luger may have enjoyed ice cream stardom in 1994, but by ’97, he was sooo out of rotation.)

These were required eating for wrestling fans, but with the bars being so unique in their presentation, even many non-fans couldn’t resist them. As an added bonus, each came with a free trading card!

#5: Super Mario Bros. Bar!

The Super Mario popsicle was available in spurts over the course of many years, and for all I know, it’s still being made today.

Nintendo kept things simple, sticking with the flavors and extras that were already proven hits. For one thing, the popsicle was made of cherry ice, which is one of those “safe” flavors that everyone loves. Then, borrowing an idea from several popsicles that preceded it, the vaguely Mario-themed head was topped with a big pink gumball nose.

In the realm of popsicles, we must never discount the power of gumball body parts. Through the years, I have suffered through some pretty piss poor popsicles to get at those things. In truth, for many of us, the gum was the whole point. We’d toss the popsicle after two licks just to hurry the process.

#6: The Great White!

While I certainly remember these, I can’t recall their flavor. Smart money is on “lemon,” but I can’t rule out the possibility that this was one of those popsicles that hid “cherry” under an unassuming cloak of white.

More importantly, IT’S SHAPED LIKE A SHARK.

Great White bars never looked as good in person as they did on the stickers. If you wanted perfectly visible eyes and gills, you had to get the freshest Great White bar, kept at the most impossibly accurate temperature. Most of the time, it looked more like a beached shark, slowly decomposing into something cryptozoologists might call a “globster.”

#7: The Mask Popsicle!

From 1997, these weren’t based on the Jim Carrey movie, but rather the cartoon series that spun from it. Which, to be honest, I have not seen one single episode of.

Even if I had no passion for anything Mask-related, I don’t know how I would’ve resisted a popsicle with TWO gumballs tacked on. Especially these gumballs, which were painted to resemble The Mask’s psychotic eyes! (Neatly, even if the eyeballs were placed in totally unsymmetrical positions — a common popsicle mishap — it still fit the theme.)

#8: Bubble Play!

This one was HUGE for me. I don’t remember the flavor, but that was never important. It was all about that baseball gumball. The stitching really sold it!

A sports-themed popsicle wasn’t exactly up my alley, and as cool as the edible baseball was, that could have only been part of it. Actually, I think I gravitated to Bubble Play bars as a method of obtaining a little street cred. “Look, guys! I may go home whenever someone brings a bat outside, but I’m eating a baseball glove! We have common ground!”

#9: Orange Polar Pole!

This wasn’t something I ever remember getting from an ice cream truck, but we always had boxes of these in the house. I see this, and I’m instantly four-years-old again. If memory serves, I knew them as “Push Pops,” and I’m fairly certain that the ones I used to eat had some promotional link to Fred Flintstone.

The rod of sherbet became progressively messier as you ate your way through. There was no way to look graceful while eating these. If you don’t believe me, try it. Whether by “Rich” or another maker, bars like this are definitely still around.

#10: Bart Simpson Popsicle!

Another classic that came and went and came again. So long as The Simpsons remains in production, we can only consider Bart Simpson pops as “alive” or “dormant.” Never “dead.”

Bart’s flesh might not look delicious, but with sour cherry and lemonade flavors, it most certainly was. Bart adopted the gumball eye strategy as well, even if his were a bit on the small side.

As I recall, it was especially fun to eat his hair, as it let you provide Bart with a series of alternative hairdos before finally killing him with the death bite.

I hope you like ice cream, because I think I have enough ammo to do at least 5 of these posts. Stay tuned!

Me and two buddies thought it might be fun to do a project together, and since gabbing about bullshit from dollar stores is so easy, I’m guessing that was my contribution to our process.

Teaming with Billy from VeggieMacabre and Brian from Review the World, we were each challenged to find the best “dollar store junk” possible on strict five dollar budgets. (Well, kind of strict. I don’t think any of us factored tax into the equation.)

In Typical Me fashion, I held up the process for way too long, only to make the plainest vid of the trio!

Cool, you watched it. Or maybe you didn’t. Check out Billy and Brian’s versions, after the jump!

Billy from VeggieMacabre is one of the best people I’ve ever “met” through doing this website stuff, and I’m extremely lucky to have him as a friend. Cannot mean that more sincerely. When you’re through watching his video, I strongly suggest scouring his archives. There is a LOT of great shit hiding in there, covering basically every topic imaginable. (With a generous extra sprinkling of All Things Horror, if you’re into that!)

Brian from Review the World is another longtime friend who’s been rocking his thing for, wow, almost as long as I have? Brian’s site is filled with tons of terrific written content, but as you’ll see with his part of the trio, he’s really found his voice in video form. Which makes me both proud and extremely envious! He recently hit the reset button on his site, and is knocking ‘em out of the park on a regular basis.

Both Billy and Brian are two of the purest friends I’ve made during my internet adventures, and the fact that they’re both creative wizards is just the gravy. Was very happy to finally do something with them!

I saw Big in theaters back in ’88, and charming as it was, I think the fact that I was nine-years-old had everything to do with why I loved it.  Sure, the film was as much “sad” as “happy,” but what kid wouldn’t have been jealous of Tom Hanks? (More specifically his character, Josh?)

Not only did twelve-year-old Josh get to live as an adult, but he also landed a job at what wasn’t Mattel but totally was Mattel, brainstorming toy concepts and getting all kinds of free samples! He made enough money to afford the kind of loft I can still only dream about, stuffing it with everything from a pinball machine to a giant trampoline!

For Josh, the whole experience was a wish gone awry, but I went home from that movie feeling impossibly envious of him. And also like I could get away with being thirty and still into toys. Which I guess came in handy in the end.

And oh, those toys! Big was FULL of them. And not just the normal gamut of “generic stuff” you normally find in movies. Josh spent Big fiddling with the same hunks of plastic that all of us did. Everything from He-Man to SilverHawks!

That’s the point of this article. Many of the playthings seen during Big are of the blink-and-you’ll-miss-them variety, so I poured over the film, frame-by-frame, desperate to catch as much as I could.

Let’s start with THE LOFT…

I *love* Josh’s loft. To this day, no “movie bedroom” thrills me more. Even empty lofts are ridiculously appealing, what with their art gallery flooring and exposed brick. This one, of course, was so much better than that. It was as if Josh won one of those old Toys “R” Us shopping sprees, and then stole a Pepsi machine on his way home.

I’d pass on the bunk beds for practicality reasons, but other than that, I’d absolutely still live here. Beyond luxury items like a pinball machine and that giant trampoline, Josh had plenty of “regular” toys that perfectly reflected what a boy his (true) age would’ve kept nearby back in 1988:

#1 – Inflatable Godzilla:
I love that it represents the original Godzilla, and not the Matthew Broderick version as seen in the 1998 Sears Wish Book. Six feet of mean, green, inflatable terror! I still have every confidence that I will someday own that blow-up Godzilla.

#2 – Tic Tac Toss:
This was sold under many titles over the years, but you should remember the basics. You’d throw little bean bags at it to turn the pieces, hoping to beat your opponent in a race to make a line of X’s or O’s. It’s barely visible on Josh’s floor, but since Tic Tac Toss shares a shape with nothing else on the planet, it was easy enough to identify.

#3 – Giant Gumby:
For a long time, I thought this was actually a Gumby-shaped chair. A closer inspection reveals that it’s actually just a giant Gumby doll sitting IN a chair. I’m not sure if this was ever commercially sold, as it looked way too extravagant for normal people to afford.

#4 & #5 – Inhumanoids Monsters:
BLESS YOU, JOSHUA “JOSH” BASKIN! You’ll need a real eagle eye to spot these guys, hiding out near one of the windows. From the incredibly awesome Inhumanoids collection, it’s Metlar and D’Compose! These were two of the three ENORMOUS monster figures that made Inhumanoids such a standout series. I know Josh had a giant trampoline, but, no joke, those two monsters were the best things in his apartment. Yes, I’m even including the Pepsi machine.

#6 – Fireball Island:
Briefly seen on a shelf, it’s none other than Milton Bradley’s Fireball Island! The most visually compelling board game of all time! If you want proof, go look up how much people are paying for it on eBay!

#7 – Thundercats Bedsheets:
As Elizabeth Perkins is left to wonder why she’s bunking instead of boinking, we get a nice clear shot of Josh’s Thundercats sheets. I’m going to wager that Snarf was a little off-scale, as he was roughly the size of Elizabeth’s head.

Even if the “best of Big” was in Josh’s loft, the party didn’t end there. Next, let’s check out THE OFFICE!

After wooing Robert Loggia and landing a bigger position at the MacMillian Toy Company, Josh trades his cubicle for an enviable corner office . Of course, what makes it enviable isn’t just that it’s a corner office with a killer view. Would you look at this place? It’s like a rich kid’s Christmas morning!

I’m not able to identify every toy in Josh’s office, even if some of “unknowns” do seem very familiar. Here are the treasures I’m certain of:

#1 – SilverHawks “Stronghold” Vehicle:
SilverHawks was one of the best toy lines of the ‘80s, and had a pretty great cartoon series to boot. If you didn’t keep up with it, you missed some terrific stuff. Stronghold was the “pet” of one of the heroes, who in this special instance was super-sized to work as one of the line’s few vehicles.

#2 – Masters of the Universe “Spydor” Vehicle:
One of several He-Man toys peppered around Josh’s office, I totally had Spydor as a kid. As the name suggests, it was a giant, robotic spider, used by Skeletor so he could at least put on a good show before He-Man beat the hell out of him. Batteries allowed the toy to walk on its own, but I seem to remember its movement being kind of cumbersome. I also remember losing most of Spydor’s legs, which were woefully of the snap-on variety.

#3 – Masters of the Universe “Night Stalker” Vehicle:
One of two similar MOTU “horse” vehicles, Night Stalker galloped for the powers of eeevil. It was one of the simplest vehicles in the entire line, but that was sort of the point. Even if you treated Night Stalker like garbage and lost everything that wasn’t glued in place, it still worked like a horse. So long as you kept away from Ram Man or Modulok, any He-Man figure could ride that pony with ease.

#4 – Masters of the Universe “Blaster Hawk” Vehicle:
The Blaster Hawk was actually more than a vehicle. It doubled as a kid-scale weapon, shooting eight discs at impressive speeds. I never owned this and never saw much reason to, as it felt a little too “outside the norm” to work with my other He-Man toys.

#5 – Masters o the Universe “Roton” Vehicle:
Loved this little thing! I’m not sure if it was modeled after a real animal, but I always thought of it as being somehow octopus-like. As you pushed Roton across the floor, its rim of terrible red blades would constantly spin, threatening any Eternian stupid enough to stand in its way. (As it moved, Roton also made hideous noises that the box identified as “fighting sounds.”)

Believe it or not, there’s STILL more. How about the scene where Josh explores FAO SCHWARZ?

I have no idea if the store still stands, but I’ve been to that exact FAO Schwarz many times. In the movie as in life, it was great in certain ways, and not so great in others. Even if it’s packed with the kind of crazily expensive doodads that seem miraculous in their mere existence, FAO Schwarz is not Toys “R” Us. It always seemed a little drier on “everyday stuff.” (Or maybe it was just a thing where you had to wade through too much hoity-toity shit to find the $6 action figures. Yeah, it was probably that.)

Moving past the giant floor piano (focal point of Big’s most memorable scene), I did locate a few more “attainable” treasures…

#1 – Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur:
I remember the commercial more clearly than the game itself, but I think it involved some kind of wind-up tyrannosaur that wreaked havoc all over the board? Somebody else can fill in the blanks.

#2 – Photon Set:
Even if they were essentially the same, I’m more loyal to Photon than Lazer Tag. I never had the helmet, but I certainly had the guns. In fact, I still do. I realize that the old technology has been surpassed in every conceivable way, but I feel like I could put fresh batteries in them and have just as much fun now as I did back in ‘88.

#3 – Fireball Island, Again:
I already mentioned the one in Josh’s loft, but this was a pile of *BRAND NEW* Milton Bradley Fireball Island games! Do you have any idea how much that pile would be worth now? I’m being conservative, but let’s say that a MISB Fireball Island would cost 200 bucks today. To recreate that little bit of set dressing in 2013, you’d need at least 2000 dollars!

I’ve shown you plenty of Big’s toys, but there was still even more. I gotta stop somewhere. If you haven’t seen the film in a while, it might be time for another go. See what else you can find! If you need more motivation, I’ll mention that there’s even a shot of ancient Bubblicious hiding in there!

Course, there’s no way I can talk about “toys from Big” and not mention this one last thing…

Hey, Josh Baskin? SCREW YOU. I’ll never forgive Josh for speaking ill of that incredible ROBOT/BUILDING prototype. What the frick was he thinking? It was like the Super Shredder version of the Gobots Command Center!

STUPID JOSH.

Maybe he didn’t deserve that loft after all.

If what we ate had no consequences, I’d live on Chicken McNuggets. Yeah, I’ve seen the photo of that pinkish, chemical-soaked goo they’re made from. I don’t care. In this fantasy, there are no consequences.

Chicken McNuggets debuted in 1983. By the time I was consciously aware of what I was eating and not just chewing whatever someone put in front of me, they were already on the market. Like most of you, I never knew a world without McNuggets.

Delicious as they were, it’s not like my loyalty wasn’t coaxed. I’ve lost count of the McDonald’s commercials I’ve covered over the years, but I do know that Chicken McNuggets had some of the best ads of all. Appetizing, mesmerizing! Below are examinations of six ancient McNugget commercials, all wildly appealing in their own special ways.

Doodlin’! (1987)

You might remember this ad (and some of the others to come) from X-E. It’s probably my favorite McNugget commercial ever.

A kid named Brian is in class, simultaneously bored and starving. As he doodles away his troubles, what he puts to paper magically transforms into full color animation. In the big moment, his caricature hands him a cartoon McNugget, which then morphs into the real world version, letting Brian satisfy his cravings by eating in class.

This was not an unfamiliar conceit in old food commercials. I could easily name ten others that featured random junk food eerily materializing in a kid’s classroom. What makes this particular ad so special is Brian’s art. Those doodles were so colorful and erratic, and I very often tried to replicate his style in my own weird drawings.

So this commercial was as much an art lesson as a reminder that Chicken McNuggets were delicious. A PSA with benefits.

McNuggets Holiday 20-Packs! (Mid ‘80s)

McDonald’s made plenty of brilliant holiday-themed ads that so many of us still remember, and though this is far from the best of them, it still gets me *right here*.

In the ad, anthropomorphized Chicken McNuggets – looking quite “Muppety” — argue about what kind of party they’d like to be served at. I know that sounds weird, but it was par for the course with McNugget commercials.

Generally speaking, when the McNuggets were represented as actual characters, they seemed fine with being eaten. They accepted it as their collective destiny. And good for them! When you aim low, disappointment is rarer.

This is just one of several commercials that pitched big boxes of McNuggets as a “Christmas thing.” Let me tell you, I bought that shit, hook, line and sinker. Even if it’s something I never once saw in person, I grew up believing that families really did eat McNuggets for Christmas, and that companies really did make McNuggets the focus of their holiday parties.

Also, while the McNuggets would turn up as characters in many other ads, I think this was them at their cutest. I’d kill for a box of those guys, and it has nothing to do with eating them. I’d just pop open the lid and listen to ‘em gab. I would be Beau Bridges, the McNuggets my Sandkings.

Introducing Chicken McNuggets! (1982)

Well, this ad is marked “1982,” which disputes what I’ve read about McNuggets debuting in ‘83. Maybe 1982 was the “test market” portion of their sordid past?

This is the oldest ad I’m featuring, and it’s hilarious. The way people react to the new and seemingly miraculous McNuggets is something to behold. Everyone gets bug-eyed and crazy, as if their lives found new meaning the moment they bit into chunks of fried chicken. It goes well beyond any plausible reaction to something that just “tastes good.” The only thing missing was a switch from grayscale to color as they made those inaugural bites.

Also interesting is the fourth dipping sauce. “Honey.” Was that a thing for any of you? I can totally see it, but “honey” is news to me.

Chicken McNuggets Shanghai! (1987)

Ooof, this was a big one! Back in the days before YouTube and all that came with it, I was one of the many who desperately searched for proof of Chicken McNuggets Shanghai. It was a short-lived promotion, but sooo unforgettable.

Chicken McNuggets Shanghai came with chopsticks and a fortune cookie, in suitably thematic boxes. The dips were also redressed, and in typical McDonald’s fashion for that era, collectively branded as “oriental sauces.” (Shanghai Sweet ‘n Sour, Oriental Hot Mustard and Teriyaki.)

This is a tricky thing to celebrate. It’s not like I can defend the commercials, which, even if they weren’t actively racist, certainly perpetuated a few stereotypes. On the other hand, if we’re judging on sentiment, no malice was meant. As a kid, I thought this was enormously fun stuff, and I was so upset when Chicken McNuggets returned to normal.

(Side note: Back in 2008, I tried to recreate Chicken McNuggets Shanghai. It sure was fun to poke McNuggets with chopsticks one last time.)

Scared Silly! (1989)

Okay, it’s been more than ten years since I last mentioned this commercial, so I’m giving myself a pass.

This version shortens the “meat” to make room for a Happy Meal bumper, but I remember the full version perfectly. Titled “Scared Silly,” it featured a bunch of monstrous McNugget characters working in a castle laboratory, hoping to achieve new and improved dipping sauces. (Again with this? Not only were the McNuggets fine with being eaten, but they actively encouraged it.)

The Halloween motif is tremendous, in everything from the establishing shot of the McNuggets’ castle to the weird music that so desperately wants to be creepy but never quite gets there. Then there are the McNuggets themselves, each dressed like a different classic monster. (My favorite is “Dracula,” who I still want to recreate out of felt, googly eyes and a real McNugget. And I will, someday. I promise you this.)

Chicken McNuggets Super Value Pack! (1985)

Here’s where I’ll get into trouble, because the things I find appealing aren’t always the things normal people find appealing. I know I’ll gush for seventeen paragraphs just to be met with that awesome blend of apathy and confusion. Don’t fuck with me.

If you take the commercial at face value, it’s nothing special. Back in 1985, McDonald’s ran a promo where you’d get 24 McNuggets, two fries and two Cokes for one low price. Clap clap, clap clap clap.

But here’s the key point: Everything came in an exclusive and AMAZING box. A BIG RED BOX that was practically the size of a cooler, which somehow had spots for everything including the sodas. It’s like the box Petland provides when you get a rabbit.

I have no use for it, but at least at this moment, there is nothing I want more than a 1985 Super Value Pack box. I’d treat that garbage like gold. It’d get a spot on the mantel. It’d be dusted regularly. Should I be alarmed that an old fast food container could mean so much to me? Is this an indication that I haven’t been filling my days with enough actually-important things?

Maybe.

Think I’ll go cure a disease and repave an old lady’s sidewalk.

See you later.

Back when Dino Drac was still a baby, I wrote about a traveling carnival that’s made my city one of its annual stops.

Well, it’s back this week, and better than ever! Or at least better than it’s been during certain years. Maybe it’s just as okay as ever. I don’t know. They had cotton candy.

The carnival sets up in the parking lot of the Staten Island Mall, guaranteeing both lots of foot traffic and the high probability that I’ll run into some forgotten enemy from fifteen years ago. There are pretty lights, interesting noises, and barkers who will insist that I’m not a man until I win Ms. X a Rastafarian banana doll. It’s no Wildwood boardwalk, but I enjoy it.

Here are some of this year’s highlights!

The Haunted Mansion:

I was happy to see the return of this dark ride, which you may remember from last year’s post. I thought they’d added some new decorations to the front, but comparing this year and last year’s photos proves that they did nothing of the sort. I think I just told myself that so I’d have an excuse to take 20 more pictures of the thing.

Remember, this carnival isn’t “ours.” It travels from town to town, crossing an unknown number of state borders. It’s fun to imagine what the Haunted Mansion might have endured since I last saw it. Dark rides bring out the weirdest in people, right? Has anyone like, done it in there? God, if only this Haunted Mansion could talk.

Jungle of Fun:

I stared at this thing for five full minutes, and I still couldn’t figure out what was happening inside. My best guess is that it was a redressed funhouse. There seemed to be a room full of punching bag obstacles, and I think the only exit was some strange ass slide that I swear was at a precise 90 degree angle.

The theme was great, though. Kind of a mix of Tarzan and tiki gods, all quietly sexualized. These days, I just appreciate the art for what it is, but I remember seeing this kind of stuff as a kid and being simultaneously fascinated and freaked by it.

Super Himalaya:

Many of you have been on a Himalaya before, I’m sure. That’s the one that just spins at top speeds, forwards and backwards, against horribly loud music. I used to love them, and I have NO IDEA WHY. I couldn’t fathom going on a Himalaya (much less a Super Himalaya, which by all rights should only be worse) today. I’m not saying that the ride doesn’t share some of the same “freeing” aspects of roller coasters, but the entire point of it is to make you dizzy. I couldn’t begin to count the number of times a Himalaya took the wind out of my sails for an entire night. That’s code for “I either puked or spent the night feeling like I was about to.”

The other interesting thing about Himalayas? EVERYONE swears that they’ve been on the “worst” one. The one that spun the fastest, the one that was loudest, the one that switched directions most frequently. It’s an odd phenomenon. Everyone thinks they’ve seen the Himalaya at its meanest.

Fun Slide:

Ah yes, the classic giant slide. A much larger version of this was my first experience with anything resembling a “thrill ride.” (The one in Wildwood was twice as tall and provided potato sacks for you to ride in. The sacks not only kept you from sticking, but in fact made you travel fast enough to risk total annihilation when you landed. I loved it.)

The best thing about this “Fun Slide” is that it just looks so generic. Like it’s a Getty stock image or something.

It’s also kinda ominous, with the letters in that blinking FUN SLIDE sign looking like they’re one strong wind away from collapsing onto Jimmy and Tracey. Traveling carnivals pack so much more charm when they’re capable of mayhem. If there’s no sense of danger, you might as well go to Sesame Place. They sell fries shaped like Elmo.

Sizzler:

Also known as a “twist,” I guess you could compare this to a tilt-a-whirl. You sit in suspended cars that spin around, and the ride is just disorienting enough to make you believe that you might crash.

I’ve lost my zeal for things like this, but I would’ve been all over the Sizzler as a child. When you weren’t ready for roller coasters, and when the kids riding the Himalaya seemed too mean and teenaged, the Sizzler was about as “big” as you could go.

I also love the name. “Sizzler.” Like the restaurant. Do they still have those? My last memory of a Sizzler is of going to one while wearing a bright yellow Dick Tracy Halloween trenchcoat.

It was June.

Rock ‘n Roll Fun House:

This may have been my favorite thing at the entire carnival. It was just so bizarre. Admittedly, I don’t know exactly what was going on inside the ride, but given the title, I guess we could expect darkened mazes, foam obstacles, and maybe a spinning tunnel. Whatever. The inside couldn’t possibly be better than the outside.

Paired with MTV logos, the painted stars were an extremely eclectic mix of rock and pop icons. Look close and you’ll spot Avril Lavigne acting as the ambassador of the distant planet of Grobulon. Look even closer and you’ll find The Black Eyed Peas teaming with Michael Jackson and a megaphone-toting Stevie Wonder. What?

The Rock ‘n Roll Fun House didn’t seem very popular, and it’s easy to understand why. If you’re a kid who can’t identify these artists, they are absolutely terrifying. Even the comparatively tame Giant Madonna Head looks like a “bad ending” from a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Crystal Lil’s:

Actually, no, THIS was my favorite thing at the carnival. Really and truly. It’s a glass-and-mirror maze on the first level, with an additional second floor stuffed with “funhouse mirrors.” The only way to exit without backtracking like a dope is by riding a slide that’s only large enough for maybe 10% of the people who go down it. Awesome.

The “western saloon” motif is tremendous, and they even had the right kind of music to go along with it. Weird piano tunes that will haunt my dreams for weeks. (I don’t mind. The ride would’ve lost something if it was scored by like, Maroon 5.)

Crystal Lil’s is what made this place feel like an actual carnival, and not just a bunch of rent-a-rides gathered in a parking lot.

Flip-It Machines:

Of course, there was more to the carnival than rides. I’m not going to cover the “do stuff and maybe you’ll win a prize” games, because the people running those booths were REALLY aggressive last night. Sorry, I can’t deal with that.

But I had to mention this, at least. Under a small tent were a few of those “Flip-It” machines. You know, where you drop a quarter down a chute and pray it knocks more quarters out? I first believed that you were only playing to win tokens, which could then be redeemed for hideously cheap stuffed animals. And from what I could tell, that was part of it. Then I noticed that, no, you could also win REAL MONEY.

Look, I’m not up to date on gambling laws. I know it’s being legalized here and there and everywhere, lately. But I’m still almost certain that you… kind of can’t do that here. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t care less. In fact, I’m all for it. I was just surprised.

Anyway, the guy manning this area gave me two quarters for some reason. I guess I looked like exactly the type of sap who’d spend two freebies and then blow an additional fifty bucks. And I usually am, but those sample tries were all it took for me to see that this was NOT going to end well. I walked away, proud of myself.

FOOD:

There was plenty of classic “carnival food” there, of course. The grub may be the best reason to go here. Where I’m from, we normally only see “deep fried Twinkies” on Food Network specials.

Zeppoles:

Okay, see those? Those are zeppoles. (The plural of “zeppole” is actually just “zeppole” again, but since that confuses me, I’m being willfully ignorant.)

I’ve mentioned zeppoles so many times in the past, and I’m always shocked by the amount people who’ve never heard of ‘em. So, here’s a primer:

They’re deep fried globs of dough, best served piping hot. This picture only tells half the story, because just before the guy gives them to you, he’ll shake generous amounts of powdered sugar all over them.

It’s like eating sugary fried chicken.

I honestly couldn’t name a food that’s less healthy, but man, when you’re six-years-old and armed with a can of Coke, they’re the best things in the whole world.

I can’t come up with an ending for this one.

“Thank you for reading?”