The Mausoleum of Madness, Part III!
Welcome to Dinosaur Dracula’s MAUSOLEUM OF MADNESS, PART III! This is a multipage feature. Page links are are at the bottom, or you can visit the starting page over here. Enjoy your visit to the Mausoleum!
#15: Halloween Class Photos! (1980s) 📷
Here’s a wonderful pair of class photos from the ‘80s, where gaggles of kids proudly modeled their Halloween costumes.
Is this still a thing, even in elementary school? I’ve only ever been a father to cats, so I wouldn’t know, but when I was a kid, Halloween was huge at school. We’d march in a nonsensical parade to an audience of maybe ten parents, and end the day with a pizza party where every student was allowed exactly half of one slice.
Most of the children in these photos went with the classic mask-and-smock costumes, which were all the rage at the time. Look close and you’ll spot Mr. T, Stripe from Gremlins, a couple of Smurfs, TWO Strawberry Shortcakes, and of course, He-Man.
Halloween isn’t a school holiday, but at least back then, well, I’ll put it like this: Remember those “no show” and “no work” jobs from The Sopranos? Halloween was a “no work” job. We had to show up to school, yes, but good luck to the poor teachers who wanted us to think about math or phonics that day. Wasn’t happening!
We were there for pizza, cupcakes, the dumb parade, and a chance to wear uncomfortable, suffocating masks. I wonder if they helped shield us from the asbestos?
#14: Halloween Gliders! (1990s) ✈️
This is a complete set of “Halloween Gliders,” which I’m assuming are from the 1990s, given the garish colors. They’re spooky versions of the cheap foam gliders you’ve played with a hundred times. Put it together, toss that weird plastic cap on the nose, and your plane was ready to soar, crash, and immediately disintegrate.
These old foamies didn’t work nearly as well as the OG balsa wood gliders, but they were still good for a solid 40 seconds of bliss before you moved onto more pressing matters, like a Full House rerun or whatever the fuck.
As far as favorites go, I can easily eliminate the Bat and the Witch. It gets tougher from there. The sleek black Pumpkin with its “Halloween Express” paint job is certainly something, but would I pick it over the Ghost, who uses his wings to communicate a hilariously elongated scream? I just don’t know!
I understand that these gliders were exclusively sold out of wicker baskets at garden centers that temporarily became low-rent pumpkin patches during October. It wasn’t even worth looking for them until you smelled Miracle-Gro.
#13: Halloween Devil Dogs! (1990s) 🍫
They’ve started fanning out west, but historically, Drake’s has been a northeastern thing. If you’re unfamiliar, they’re a competitor to Hostess, with their own line of goofily-titled snack cakes.
While I’ve always preferred Hostess, I grew up in what was decidedly a Drake’s house. If my parents had guests over for coffee, a spread of Drake’s treats – from “Ring Dings” to “Yankee Doodles” – was sure to follow.
As such, I’m wildly familiar with Drake’s Devil Dogs, which are still sold today, and consist of two soft chocolate cakes sandwiched around a creme center. The cakes are dry and have a weird aftertaste, but junk food is junk food, and they went down easy enough.
For several years in the late ‘90s, Drake’s did special Halloween releases, where their normally white creme was horribly disfigured by a squirt of orange dye. That’s the spirit! Devil Dogs weren’t the only desserts to get this treatment, but they did boast the most dramatic results.
They tasted the same, but between the orange creme and the spooky wrappers, Devil Dogs suddenly became THE thing to eat while watching that Roseanne episode where Darlene had a rubber demon popping out of her stomach.
#12: Quaker Halloween Oatmeal! (1992) 🥣
Is this the best-looking oatmeal box Quaker ever released? It might be. At worst, it’s tied for first with Kids’ Choice Oatmeal, which came out a year later, and had a similar multi-flavor concept. Whoever led Quaker’s art department during the early ‘90s deserves a very late bonus.
Quaker’s “Halloween Variety Pack” included four flavors: Scary Strawberry, Spooky S’mores, Maple & Brown Sugar, and Apples & Cinnamon. Only the last two had any arguable tie to autumn, but you barely notice that when they’re all being presented by adorable cartoon ghosts.
When you see us old geeks reminiscing about the way Halloween food packaging used to be, this is exactly the vibe we’re talking about. We want boxes and bags that look like gaudy entry signs to middle school dances. We want midnight blues, arched text and generic mascots. People like me look at this box and see God.
Side note: I’m not much of an oatmeal guy in general, and there are many common flavors – like peach – that I won’t touch at all. Quaker has done countless variety packs over the years, but this might be the only time where every flavor appeals to me. Thank you, random ghosts. You backed the right horses.
#11: Die-cut Garfield Decos! (1990s) 🐱
I was stunned to find this quartet of vintage die-cut decorations, which I’d never seen before. And it’s not like I’m some Johnny Come Lately when it comes to searching the internet for Garfield Halloween junk. If *I* never encountered them, they must be extraordinarily rare.
Given that they’re small, thin and one-sided, they don’t seem like things that would’ve been sold at retail by the piece. My running theory is that they were part of a multi-decoration party kit, packed with a banner, some black and orange balloons, and maybe a honeycomb centerpiece that turned Garfield’s head into a pumpkin.
Whatever the case, they look great. I’ve been trying to pick a favorite, but it’s really a tie between Dracula Garfield and Devil Garfield. Like, I think the outfit and vibe on Dracula Garfield are objectively better… but Devil Garfield is using a pitchfork to roast marshmallows. That’s a +7 coolness multiplier, easy.
You might have a different favorite entirely. I mean, I posted this photo on Facebook a few days ago, and someone was so charmed by Mummy Garfield that he politely requested a clearer photo to bring to his tattoo artist. (Not kidding!)
