Dinosaur Dracula!

Dollar Tree’s Halloween Masks!

Wow, September is almost over. That’s scary. Hope you’re enjoying Dino Drac’s Halloween Countdown so far. Bigger things are coming in October!

When I went to Dollar Tree last week, I also picked up a bunch of masks. They’d be pretty terrible if put to use as non-ironic Halloween costumes, but if you judge them more as interpretive works of art, they’re a-okay.

On the other hand, the great thing about trick-or-treating is its loose dress code. If all you care about is the candy, any costume will do.

It was a long time ago, but I remember being at that delicate age – the age when you’re not too old to go trick-or-treating, but somehow too old to wear cheesy costumes in public. Back then, my friends and I totally relied on cheap, shitty masks like these. On Halloween or the night prior, we’d grab whichever masks were left at our local pharmacy, no matter how stupid they were. When we went trick-or-treating, we’d only slip ‘em on just before knocking on strangers’ doors.

After collecting our loot, we hid the masks in our trick-or-treat sacks. To continue the illusion that we weren’t trick-or-treating, our treat sacks were actually just our schoolbags. When we passed by the other, older kids — the ones who’d so suddenly declared that Halloween was lame, and that anyone who celebrated it was deserving of punches — they were never the wiser.

Masks like Dollar Tree’s would’ve worked just fine for those purposes. There will always a plus when you’re willing to sift through decades of repressed memories to find it.

We’re going to run through the six masks Dollar Tree had available, and our model will be Harley the Crite. There are several reasons for this. Most importantly, the masks, while technically not too small for my face, are small enough to make me appear like I have an enormous head. I’m not publishing photos if they’re only going to insinuate that my head is two feet wide.

Also, so far this season, Harley really hasn’t gotten his fair share of the spotlight. For those unfamiliar, allow me to introduce you.

“This is Harley. I caught him using Hostess Scary Cakes as bait. “

Now let’s dress him up like monsters. Read More…

RoseArt’s Halloween Color Blanks!

My friend “D” mailed me a spooky care package, and among its incredible contents was one of RoseArt’s Halloween Color Blanks. The one that looks like a pumpkin.

My first thought? “Pretty cool.” My second thought? To run out and buy the remaining two Halloween Color Blanks. And my third thought had something to do with grasshoppers.

They arrive as featureless albinos. The Color Blanks, I mean. Not the grasshoppers.

Actually, if you count the eggs, grasshoppers do, too.

It’s up to us to turn them into artful creatures with real pumping hearts, and I really do mean the Color Blanks this time. This isn’t my first go at coloring a Color Blank, but it is my first go at a Color Blank with a pumpkin for a head.

They’re on sale at Target, and I assume, other stores. Though my Color Blank fever was running too high to be bothered to check, I’m pretty sure they were five bucks each. I admit that there’s a small cynic living inside me, and this cynic believes they cost closer to $7. Read More…

September 25th, 1993.

Today is September 25th, 2012.

And this, a page from one of my old journals, was written exactly nineteen years ago.

If I have things straight, I would’ve been in the ninth grade. A frosh in high school. God. Read More…

Venus Flytrap Bog of Doom!

Yesterday morning, we drove out to God Knows Where, searching for some New Jersey farmers’ market I remembered visiting last year. I swore it was only twenty minutes away, but Sunday’s events proved otherwise.

Eventually, we found it. And, hell yes, they still had the same assortment of insanely hot peppers from last year. Lots of pumpkins, too. I even found enormous sweet potatoes. Honest to God, each was as large as a two-month-old child.

Somewhere in the middle of that, I saw the Venus Flytraps.

I know I wrote about them years ago, but so what? It’s not against the law to write about Venus Flytraps twice. Don’t tell me what to do. The last person who tried is now in me.

I guess we can blame a steady diet of grade school plant sales and VHS rentals of Little Shop of Horrors, but I never considered Venus Flytraps as normal plants, or even “plants” at all. To me, they’ve always been animals. They have emotions and personalities. They feel pain, and they appreciate those who keep them from experiencing it.

As you could guess, I bought a few new Flytraps.

After leaving the market, we ended up at some really bad strip mall’s really bad sushi joint. Their spicy tuna rolls had a mouthfeel comparable to Elmer’s glue, and the whole place reeked like a tackle shop. But that’s neither here nor there.

The point is, I spent the entire awful dining experience complaining that Ms. X wasn’t eating fast enough. I was unreasonably worried about leaving my Flytraps in the hot car. I really do view them as “pets.” Read More…

Sticky, Squishy Pumpkin Parts Kit!

My adventures in idiot blogging have brought many pumpkins to their doom.

There was the time I hammered Lite Brite pegs into one. Another time, I turned a pumpkin into the Trix Rabbit. Then there was the afternoon when one grew a clay face and Yoda arms.

This year, I hope to bring the total number into the triple digits.

On the other hand, this kit doesn’t really kill pumpkins. It just makes them look like gooey clowns.

Made by Pumpkin Masters, it’s the Kid’s Sticky, Squishy Pumpkin Parts kit — a title so cumbersome that I’ve already made the concrete vow to never type it again. You probably know Pumpkin Masters for their traditional “knife and scooper” sets, but I remember ‘em more for the kickass Pumpkin Hatchers I found last year.

Though there’s no way a bunch of jellied body parts could ever top that, I think it may come close. Read More…