Dinosaur Dracula!

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/17 – 12/18/12.

“They can’t be serious. What is this, a translucent breadbox?”

Nah, I think it’s just some kind of holding tank. Either way, a pretty junky gift. In fact, it’s so junky that I refuse to respect it with a bold font. These Playmobil Advent Calendars really love their peaks and valleys.

“This gift sucks. I’m opening tomorrow’s. I don’t care what you say.”

Uh, I was going to suggest the same thing. It’s not like I know how to rock an entry about a tiny holding tank that holds nothing. I’d have to go way out of my depth on the existential humor. Read More…

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/16/12.

Expecting more disappointment after that hideous stretch of tree parts, Dino Drac is pleasantly surprised by today’s gift.

Meet Safari Woman, a fiery brute who may actually just be a statue.

“She’s not moving! She’s not moving at all!”

Actually, Dino Drac, she is moving. She’s just doing it really slowly. Not sure why.

“This is stupid! Should I push her?”

I tell Dino Drac to give her some time. After all, Safari Woman had been trapped in a box for weeks, with what was assuredly limited oxygen. And that says nothing of the emotional effects.

“But the guy we got on December 1st was fine when he came out. I’m going to push her!”

I’m quick to admonish him. I’ve seen the power of these Playmobil women. There’s no reason to risk being blasted with fluorescent lightning just because my dinosaur has a sick obsession with pushing people.

“Can I at least rename her? I see her more as a Gracie.”

Fine, fine. She’s Gracie. Now step away.

Vlog: Top-Drawer Christmas Vacation Stuff.

I wouldn’t normally post two videos so close together, but I think the combination of the background music and my trademark five-minute pauses make this one especially suitable for late night weekend viewing.

Behold, top-drawer thingamajigs from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation:

PS, you have read this month’s Christmas Vacation feature, right? YOU HAVE TO.

Novelties based on stuff from Christmas movies are nothing new, but sweet Jesus, these are over the top. The video covers the electronic Attacking Squirrel, along with an item so enormously awesome that even if I shouldn’t spoil the video by telling you what it is, I NEED TO HAVE A PHOTO OF IT ON THE SITE:

It’s the motherfuckin’ Moose Mug PUNCH BOWL, which looks a giant mutant version of the mugs from the movie. It’s fragile, cumbersome and stupidly expensive, but I will never rue the day that I chose this over car insurance.

Hell, I’m already thinking ahead to my family’s Christmas Eve bash. I’m suddenly motivated to make a weird ass holiday salad, just so I can serve it out of this big moose head. Then one of the kids will break it, and I’ll spend the rest of the night hunting pity with a good sulk.

Vlog: 1991 Christmas Crunch w/ Mystery Gift!

Yes – more Christmas Crunch content! Don’t complain. I have a good reason:

This is a sealed box of 1991 Christmas Crunch, with a SURPRISE GIFT BOX glued to the top. What treasures will we find inside? It will only take nine minutes to find out:

After filming, I was left with a box of really old cereal. This was back when the Crunchberries were still shaped like actual berries. They’re no longer safe to eat, but I couldn’t let such a find go to waste: Read More…

Awesome Xmas Junk Food!

A post like this needs no introduction. You know what you’re in for. But I still feel compelled to write one. That wretched header image will seem excessive without a small army of paragraphs beneath it.

So, I’ll use this space to share my feelings about pomegranates. In summary: I love them. I love them, but I do agree that they’re messy. Like, I can’t eat one without looking like I murdered someone afterwards. Every shirt and book I own is stained with pomegranate juice.

The real kind, mind you. The kind you can only get by trying to eat a thousand-seeded pomegranate in the same way you would an orange. I’m not talking about that boring “POM” juice. If you want those antioxidants at their full intensity, you gotta buy the real, whole fruit.

Some grocers sell pomegranate seeds separately, in little plastic containers. Don’t buy them that way. You need to pluck them from the fruit yourself. It may be messy, but it’s also fun. Besides, buying pomegranate seeds separately is soooo disproportionately more expensive than buying pure pomegranates. You’d swear they were extracting the seeds with crazy advanced super robots that each cost 500 million dollars.

Archer Farms Red & Green Tortilla Chips: I don’t know if “Archer Farms” is an exclusively-at-Target thing, but it might be. Either way, I’m surprised nobody’s been on my case to write about these. One look at them will turn anyone into a Christmas loyalist.

Don’t judge them by their plain packaging. It’s what’s inside that counts. A miracle masquerading as a snack:

That isn’t trick photography. The tortilla chips really are that red and that green. They taste no better than white tortilla chips, but eating them is like finally satisfying that common childhood curiosity about the effects of swallowing an entire strand of Christmas lights. If the holidays had a pill that made the season everything it is, and that pill was later converted into tortilla chips… I don’t know where I was going with that. Drugs.

Had I friends and a clean apartment, these would be served at the gala. Most definitely. Yes. Read More…

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/14 – 12/15/12.

A tree!

Dino Drac is PISSSSED.

He’s pissed, and it’s all my fault. I made such a fuss about how Playmobil was only going to give us good gifts for the rest of December. Now we got a tree, and it’s not even a WHOLE tree. It’s really just a branch. Today’s gift is a BRANCH.

Now me? I like it just fine. It looks like a palm tree, and I’ll never not like something that looks like a palm tree. All the same, I understand Dino Drac’s frustration. From motorcycle to velociraptor to tree. Even for an outsider, it would be pretty easy to look at this sequence and know where to stick the “shit balloon” sound effect.

“You promised me amnesty!” I don’t know why Dino Drac is suddenly quoting one of Count Dooku’s cut scenes. I take it to mean that he’s upset about the tree.

I know this is bad form, but I can’t go to bed knowing that he’s miserable. I tell him to go ahead and open tomorrow’s gift early.

“Really? But won’t the world blow up if I do that?”

I tell him to stop believing in stupid urban legends. Between Bloody Mary and the idea that Earth with explode if someone opens Playmobil gifts prematurely, it’s like I’m living with a bad Lili Taylor character from a bad Lili Taylor movie. Read More…