Dinosaur Dracula!

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/2/12.

Though the hat and binoculars were clearly meant for yesterday’s Safari Man, Dino Drac is quick to appropriate them. This could mean that Safari Man has already become lunch, but — and far more likely — Dino Drac just likes hats.

Turns out that the binoculars are only for show. They don’t actually enable Dino Drac to see faraway things more clearly. This irritates him to no end. Would prop binoculars really cost that much less than a working pair? There comes a point where making prop versions of things just seems excessive.

Luckily, that hat makes up for the binoculars. Dino Drac fancies himself a modern day Indy, but I get more of a Bogart vibe. A Safari Man at the Advent Calendar beats a roast beef at the Ritz.

Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts.

Along with one or two returning holiday flavors, Kellogg’s has blessed us with all-new Frosted Marshmallow Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts, thereby increasing their streak of Pop-Tarts flavors with extremely long names to an impressive 267.

Okay, so they’re not as “showy” as Kellogg’s previous offerings, like Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts or Gingerbread Pop-Tarts. They’re not as weird-in-a-good way, nor colorful, nor do they come with any bizarre recipes on the side panel. All true, but these Pop-Tarts have it where it counts:

They taste like hot chocolate.

I took that photo of them in their “plain” state, but you kinda do need to toast them. Even if you prefer your Pop-Tarts with no caloric upgrades, the heat has a way of bringing out their scent. Believe me, this is a scent you WANT brought out.

Like, picture the most classic cup of hot chocolate you can imagine. Now picture it five feet tall. Whatever you think that would smell like is pretty close to how these smell. If it’s possible to get high from the aroma of blistery Pop-Tarts, brother, I am so there.

While the pastry and its frosting cover the “chocolate” base, a core of bright goo handles the “marshmallows.” It’s like NASA figured out how to freeze-dry hot chocolate, only not really at all like that.

I don’t keep score of these things, but I’ll go out on a limb and proclaim that there’s never been a tastier Pop-Tart. I’ll also proclaim that no other Pop-Tart has ever looked so much like an army of mites swarming over Mars.

The Rule of Triples means I get one more proclamation, but I’ll save that for when it’ll really count.

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/1/12.

The last thing I ever thought I’d tackle again is a Playmobil Advent Calendar, and in terms of a weird, winding story with an always-growing cast of characters, no, I won’t. In fact, I’ve intentionally shied away from even mentioning the AC, because while some folks liked that saga, it just isn’t something I’m interested in continuing on Dino Drac.

But, good God. LOOK AT THE THEME FOR THIS YEAR’S.

Your eyes don’t deceive you. It’s a DINOSAUR EXPEDITION Playmobil Advent Calendar. A Dinosaur Expedition Playmobil Advent Calendar, tossed in the line of sight of a Playmobil connoisseur who now runs a site NAMED AFTER A DINOSAUR.

Okay, so technically, it’s a 2011 model. But this is the first time I’m seeing it.

It had to be a sign. Of course I had to cover this. The difference is, I’ll be doing it in a very small way. No massive adventure. No connection to the previous story or characters. This has nothing to do with the past, and everything to do with DINOSAURS.

It works out perfectly, too. If you’ve been paying attention, you know that my December work schedule is awful. I mean, really awful. Dino Drac’s 1st Christmas season is going to be presented in bite-sized morsels, and I’ll need all the bite-sized morsels I can find.

Thus, without further ado, here’s the short-and-sweet first entry of Dinosaur Dracula’s 1st (and perhaps only) Advent Calendar.

It’s December 1st, and Playmobil didn’t skimp on the inaugural gift. He’s a Safari Man, and Dino Drac (the monster, not the site) couldn’t be happier about it.

Now he just has to decide if Safari Man will be “friend” or “food.”

More likely, Safari Man will be “friend, THEN food.” Dino Drac will enjoy playing tag with Safari Man for a few days, and then, when that gets boring, he’ll bite through his stomach and eat him guts-first. It’s what dinosaurs do, even when they’re part vampires.

If you count the invisible pair on his pants, Safari Man has eight pockets. His hair looks like the lovechild of a bat and a Pac-Man ghost. Without discernible fingers, his hands appear more like flippers.

“So! You’re a mutant!” In light of this discovery, Dino Drac grew hesitant to eat him. Surely some traveling sideshow would pay a pretty penny for a man with flippers. Especially after they heard Dino Drac’s sales pitch.

“Not only is he a mutant, but he has eight pockets. All this can be yours for three thousand dollars and a vial of camel’s blood. I’ll knock off five hundred if you use real camel’s blood and don’t try to trick me with like, pig’s blood. Don’t think I won’t know the difference.”

What will tomorrow bring?