Dinosaur Dracula!

Kool-Aid Liquid Drink Mix!

I haven’t written about Kool-Aid in such a long time. It’s making me itch and scratch. Today is my remedy.

New Kool-Aid “Liquid” drink mixes are wonderfully convenient and wonderful in general. I treasure the protracted powder/sugar/water process, but the truth is, there isn’t always time for that. Sometimes, you want Kool-Aid without the associated science project. This is that chance.

Each bottle contains concentrated Kool-Aid drink mix. You know it’s concentrated because the label warns us to never drink it undiluted. I wonder what would happen if we did? Would there some Wonka-style form of retribution? Maybe we’d turn red, and our eyes would morph into upside down commas? I’ll let someone braver find out. Read More…

Happy Thoughts.

This space is reserved exclusively for happy thoughts. Here are seven of mine. What are some of yours?

Happy Thought #1: Aquafresh Toothpaste!

Aquafresh, I will keep on loving you. You amazed me as a child and you still amaze me today. You are triple-colored toothpaste and I don’t know how you exist. I’m sure I could find out, but why ruin the vision of white-clad witches casting spells over GlaxoSmithKline’s factory cauldrons?

It’s not even close to my favorite toothpaste, from a “flavor” perspective or even from a pure “clean my stupid mouth” perspective. But it’s the only one that looks like this, or at least, it’s the one most known for looking like this. I can’t turn it down. It’s art as fluoride. My teeth are a canvas. I bet that’s an Oasis lyric. Read More…

Five Great Garth Things.

Garth Algar was the best part of Wayne’s World. If you disagree with this, we have a problem.

I saw the film on opening weekend back in ’92, in a theater packed with people who could not have loved it more. It was one of my all-time favorite moviegoer experiences. Everyone just had such a blast.

Dana Carvey played Garth, and this will be the only time I mention him. Carvey did such a great job that I’ve never been able to see Garth as anything but real. He’s not Dana Carvey in a wig and glasses. He’s just Garth. Secretly the coolest mofo on the planet.

Seeing the movie again a few nights back, all of those great Garth memories came rushing back. I wouldn’t say that I wanted to be Garth, but upon reviewing my favorite bits, it’s easy to see how much he inspired me. Garth was creative, marched to his own beat, and could find immense joy in absolutely nothing. It was played for laughs, but for me, it ran deeper. I actually looked up to Garth.

Here are my five favorite “Garth things.” It’s okay if you have a different list. There were a lot of great Garth things. But if your list doesn’t include the donut creatures somewhere, get bent.

#1: Garth’s Cocktail!
“Listen man! I’m not goin’ to jail for you, or anybody!”

At the bar where Benjamin makes his sneaky pitch to buy the show, Garth orders THE BEST DRINK I HAVE EVER SEEN. Look at that thing! Some kind of Blue Curacao cocktail served in a literal punchbowl!

I have a thing for goofy and gaudy Polynesian cocktails, and this one is the end all, be all. It’s garnished with everything from a pineapple stem to a goddamned fringy foil 4th of July decoration! BEST DRINK EVER.

Note how the punchbowl portion is completely separate from the (already huge) cocktail glass, each containing liquids that can never mix. As a kid, I took this as a production goof, but looking back, it was probably intentional. They wanted this to be the most ridiculous drink possible, and they succeeded.

I generally end my drinking nights happier when I stick to beer or wine, but Garth’s cocktail set off a never-ending fascination with neon colored fruit madness. When I’m at a bar that serves drinks presented even remotely like this, I have to order them. To date, I’ve not found one as hilariously overdone as Garth’s, but that just gives me an excuse to keep trying. Read More…

SPOTTED: Adventures in Babysitting Edition!

Hey, remember Dino Drac’s “Spotted” series? Where we locate random fun things hiding in old TV shows and movies? Probably not, since I only made one entry. I think we’re long overdue for a second.

Today’s find is from 1987’s Adventures in Babysitting, the kind-of-classic starring Elisabeth Shue, whose character has an… uh… adventure while babysitting. I’ll forever remember the film for making “Don’t fuck with the Lords of Hell” a permanent part of my non sequitur reserve.

It’s a cute little movie, but I’m not here to regurgitate its IMDB plot summary. I’m here for what’s on the shelf in the little girl’s bedroom. Read More…