Dinosaur Dracula!

The Popsicle Parade – Part 4!

This will probably be the last edition of The Popsicle Parade for 2013, so please, a moment of silence from those who have enjoyed looking at old ice cream stickers.

Thank you. That was special.

#21: Firecracker Root Beer Float!

I’m loving the discovery that this “Firecracker” popsicle was actually a family of popsicles, identical in shape but with wildly varying colors and flavors.

Remember the bizarre version from my last review, which mixed red hot cinnamon with cotton candy? Well, here’s one with a slightly less iffy theme. Firecracker’s “Root Beer Floats” blended root beer and vanilla ice to create something that’d make the freaks at Jack in the Box proud.

More importantly, it looks like that super special Jell-O Pudding Pop – the one that married chocolate and vanilla into one swirlrageous piece of magic that every self-respecting junk food junkie had to eat first. Read More…

Vintage Vending #16: Super Mega Edition.

I’ve been visibly absent these past few days, but it was for a good cause. Been getting ahead on a few things for this year’s Halloween Countdown. This may be the first time in forever that I’m actually over-prepared, at least in terms of having enough topics to cover 40+ spooky posts. I’ll refrain from saying more, because you go down a letter grade without the element of surprise. That’s why I’ll end this paragraph with a caps-locked TOOTHPASTE.

Anyway, today isn’t about Halloween. Today is about vending machine prizes. It’s been over a month since the last edition of Vintage Vending, and I can totally smell your separation anxiety. Well, good news for you: This is actually five editions of Vintage Vending in one!

See, the old teaser cards in my collection generally still have the prizes intact, but I also have a bunch that are “card only.” Since the lack of prizes makes them “too small” to devote single reviews to, I’ve batched up five of my favorites for this great big something-something fucking Friday bonanza party. I hope this paragraph feels more fluid when I read it later. (UPDATE: It didn’t.)

Super Food Robots!

Some of you must remember these, because no matter where your interests lied, NOBODY could resist Transformers-inspired robot figures with “real food” stickers over their chests. There was absolutely no reason for the Super Food Robots to exist, so I can only assume that some company took their dead stock of robot figures and their dead stock of canned food stickers, and figured out how to make lemonade. Thank God for bizarre solutions.

Choosing a favorite really comes down to which food you like best. It’s not like you’ll notice the sculpts or colors of the Super Food Robots when you look at them. All you’ll see is corn, cereal or soda. As a child, I think I would’ve gone with the Frosted Flakes guy, but as an adult with a better appreciation for things that should not be, how could I pick anyone but Pickled Beetbot? Read More…

Trading Card Madness.

Since shipping those Cruel Summer Funpacks involved digging deep into my immense collection of trading cards, I’ve spent the past week drowning in paperboard nostalgia. With even the really old sets still being easy to find, I guess I’d overlooked just how much they used to mean to me.

I needed to maintain a good supply for the orders, but I eventually broke down and opened a few packs. Really, there’s only so many times you can handle sealed packs of Gremlins 2 cards and not open them. Unfortunately, “a few” became “many,” and soon enough, my stock was effectively halved.

Well, here’s my chance to justify those impulses: A look back at twelve ancient trading card sets, as told by the best cards from various packs! Read More…

My Pet Monster.

It all started at a random junk store. Somewhere between the electric flyswatters, the bootleg Snuggies, and the breakfast cereals based on movies that haven’t been in theaters since 2010, I found this:

An adorable tank, complete with a plastic palm tree. I’ve probably mentioned this before, but plastic palm trees of the pet shop variety are my ultimate weakness. Remembering my many long dead pets, I’m pretty certain that at least half of them were purchased merely for the excuse to get another plastic palm tree.

Combine that with the tank’s utterly fascinating price, and how could I leave that mildew market without it?

Problem was, I couldn’t use the tank for its intended purpose. I don’t know if it’s meant for hermit crabs, lizards or what, but I’ve become sensitive to the plight of “pet shop animals,” and that tank is way too small for… anything, really.

Eventually, I found a solution. And since I assume that a great many of you own small plastic tanks with built-in palm trees, I want you to pay close attention.

You can make your own animal to put in there. It won’t be alive, of course, but that’s sort of the point.

You can also make your animal more of a monster, which increases the allure of this activity by, oh, 40000%. Read More…