Dinosaur Dracula!

Holiday Food Ads from 1983.

I scanned several pages from the December 1983 issue of Woman’s Day, and now I’m gonna write about them. I bet you didn’t see that one coming. Eh, you probably did.


When I was tiny, my mother had many magazines just like this, filled with holiday recipes and gift guides and craft ideas. She kept them in an otherwise unoccupied kitchen cabinet, and somehow, thumbing through them became one of my own Christmas traditions.

At the time, most of those magazines were already old, and some were older than I was. I took such secret glee in reading recipes for out-of-style foodstuffs. In fact, it was partly those magazines that fostered what’s become a lifelong passion of mine: Weird, ancient appetizers!

Even better were the advertisements, and that’s why I’m here tonight. In an issue that featured everything from a Pac-Man Christmas comic to a photo of the Dungeons & Dragons Fortress of Fangs playset, the food advertisements were somehow even more interesting.

I could gush about every one of the 50+ ads from this one issue of Woman’s Day, but to keep things on balance, I’ll stick with five. Get ready to see everything from fancy crackers to lobster dip shaped like a penis. Read More…

Five Cereals From Beyond The Grave.

Today, I’ve chosen five old cereal boxes from my worryingly large collection for a closer inspection.

Far funnier than anything you’ll read below was the sight of me dragging ancient cereal boxes out into the December chill, and desperately trying to keep them upright against the near-winter winds. Let’s hope my neighbors were otherwise occupied, as there’s no good explanation for cursing a box of Corn Pops while sitting crisscross applesauce style out in the freezing cold.


#1: Fruity Marshmallow Krispies! (1987)

It may seem odd, but this is actually one of my all-time favorite cereal boxes. There’s a quietly tropical motif that’s only noticeable to those who remember Fruity Marshmallow Krispies’ balls-out amazing TV commercial, featuring a calypso-charged jingle that STILL has the power to make everything right with my world. Were I to ever learn the intricacies of pianos, it would specifically be so I could play that jingle.

The cereal mixed normal Rice Krispies with countless fruity marshmallows. The marshmallows came in an assortment of colors, and looked like bonus treasure jewels from a Nintendo game. I can barely remember the taste, but I definitely remember asking for it multiple times. The box’s leaf green background called to me in ways that colors rarely do. I look at this box, and suddenly it’s mid July. I’m on my own private island. I’m in a hammock, and there’s no one around to make fun of how I look when I try to climb out. Read More…