In this edition of Vintage Vending, we’re gonna take a look at Squash Faces. I realize that none of you have heard of them before, nor have you even seen the words “squash” and “faces” paired together. I live to change lives, in the smallest and stupidest ways possible.
I don’t know when they’re from, but 1986 is a good guess.
That was the age of Madballs, and more quietly the age of everyone trying to rip Madballs off. The rubber monster balls were imitated by lots of companies — including ones who had to size their shit to fit inside vending machine capsules. Remember Wacky Goulies?
Strange, then, that where evoking Madballs would seem to be the entire point of ripping them off, the “Squash Faces” set tried so hard to mask its ties. In fact, some may doubt that these were even intended to ape Madballs. Trust me, they were.
Still — and likely by accident — Squash Faces veered so far away from the accepted Madballs ideals that they felt very much like their own brand. Their own weird brand, where nothing made sense, and where devil women broke bread with green puppies. Read More…
After an action-packed WrestleMania weekend that’s left me feeling like I’ve lost the right to ever eat or drink again, I return to normalcy with eight thousand words about ratty toys.
Below: The sixteenth edition of Five Random Action Figures, starring one green guy, one white guy, one yellow guy and two red guys. But not in that order.
Killer Crab Alien
Another of Kenner’s animal/Xenomorph hybrids, I found this one at a horror convention a few weeks ago. There he was surrounded by other incomplete action figures, all nestled into what I’m pretty sure was an Easter basket. The five dollar price tag made buying him a no-brainer.
“Mutant extraterrestrial crabs” absolutely defines my wheelhouse, and while I’d concede that other Aliens figures were objectively better, none of them were crabs. Looking like Modulok in beast mode, the Killer Crab Alien has two arms and four legs, or possibly two legs and four arms, or maybe it’s two arms and two legs and two limbs pulling double-duty. Also, his tail is a prehensile trident.
Unfortunately, mine is missing its pair of projectile Chestburster missiles. If you’re confused by the term “projectile Chestburster missiles,” just know that there’s no better way to describe them. Even without those, he’s as monstrous and can be, and even a backdrop of Crayola-colored storefronts does little to reduce his photographical badassery. Read More…
This is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down… all because of a box of product samples given away by Blockbuster in the 1990s.
See, I was planning to do a Deadsites entry on Blockbuster. After digging up a version of its webpage from 1997, something caught my eye. That little yellow box on the lower-right.
“FREE BONUS PACK.”
What was that about? I had to know.
Once I clicked, the Deadsites plan took a backseat to a new mission. A mission to learn everything there was to know about Blockbuster’s “Bonus Boxes” — those being cardboard boxes filled with coupons and samples, given away at Blockbuster stores at scattered points throughout the ‘90s.
On Blockbuster’s 1997 website, these boxes were erroneously called Bonus Packs. Oh well, same difference.
Their description: “Inside is the sweetest mix of snack goodies, baby bars, coupons, freebie offers, game entries, and sugar treats. Open this treasure box up, and one little gleeful surprise after another spills out. Each one comes in perfect sizes for stashing away in secret spots and sneaking into places. Heh, heh, free stuff is cool!”
Apparently, these Bonus Boxes weren’t much different from the Treat Boxes formerly given away at Toys “R” Us stores. Technically free — but not really since you had to buy something to get one — the boxes gave Blockbuster’s promotional partners a chance to raise awareness about everything from breakfast cereal to laundry detergent, all by way of trial-sized samples.
Despite being a pretty frequent Blockbuster visitor throughout the ‘90s, I never knew about these boxes. I’m assuming that some of you did. You lucky pricks.
The spread of samples shown on Blockbuster’s site looked incredible, too. Holy shit, is that a pack of Cinn*A*Burst gum? And Starburst Fruit Twists?! I AM SO IN. Or at least, I’m kicking myself for not being in when I had the chance. Read More…
Assorted travels have left me with assorted trading card packs. I figured it was time to do something with them.
…so I ripped open the six shown above, and challenged myself to name the best card in each of them. This wasn’t as easy as it sounds. For example, in the case of the Gremlins 2 pack, I was forced to choose between a glamour shot of Lenny and a card depicting the scene where Murray Futterman pours wet cement all over the Bat Gremlin. My whole head melted.
Off we go! Read More…