Welcome to the fifth edition of Six Snacks I Want Back, where I torment you by celebrating foods you can no longer eat!
Side bonus: Lots of heavy GIFs sure to aggravate the site’s mobile users!
Chef Boyardee Sharks!
Debuting somewhere around 1990, Sharks tasted exactly like everything else Chef Boyardee made, and still makes. So wanting Sharks back has nothing to do with its taste. No, this time, I’m just in it for the shapes.
The implications were dire and awesome. Cans full of sharks, swimming in what we could only take as the blood-dyed aftermaths of horrible feeding frenzies. When you ate Sharks, you yourself felt like one. Specifically, you felt like a whale shark testing the waters with larger prey. The pasta sharks went down whole. You didn’t have dermal denticles, but you sure as hell acted like you did. When lunch was over, your kitchen faded into a black screen. Then came the white words. Apparently, all of this shit was directed by Lucio Fulci.
According to the old commercial, the goal was to get each of the three pasta shapes into one spoonful. It’s debatable, but I believe the set included hammerheads, great whites and tiger sharks. That would make sense, as those are the only shark species ten-year-olds ever hear about. I didn’t know about spotted leopard sharks until I was like, 30. Read More…
Today’s article is about Hasbro’s World Wrestling Federation action figures from the early ‘90s. These guys, I mean:
I’m sad to admit that I wasn’t a big collector during their heyday, I guess owing to building suspicion that I was too old for “wrestling figures.” (I was in junior high when these were big, and if junior high taught me anything, it was to be ashamed of everything I liked, no matter how trivial.)
Only in recent years have I come to see that these toys are exactly as great as their most ardent supporters have long claimed. I’m not ready to put them a notch above LJN’s older set (the big rubber figures), but I’m very ready to fill a couple of shelves with ‘em.
What I like most about Hasbro’s line is the huge string of absolutely ridiculous wrestlers, from the WWF’s “difficult” period in the early ‘90s. There’s a high concentration of grapplers frequently found on today’s “worst ever” lists, but I always loved those weirdos. Any time a wrestler could be best described as a “monster” or “cartoon,” I was in. The stranger the better!
Below are five of my favorites from Hasbro’s collection:
Action Feature: Tombstone Tackle!
Next to Randy Savage, The Undertaker is my favorite wrestler of all time — and the only guy on this list still actively competing for WWE. Most simply described as a “wrestler slash zombie,” Undertaker had a lot going for him: Cool outfit, tremendous size, apparent lack of nerve endings to indicate pain, and oh yeah, supernatural powers. (Not many wrestlers refuted their enemies’ claims by summoning goddamned lightning storms.)
I’ve been following Taker’s career since his 1990 debut, which is just shy of 25 years as of this writing. Today, that just means watching WrestleMania every year and hoping I haven’t seen his last match. But back in the ‘90s? Forget it. I was nuts about the guy. In secret tribute to my hero, I even wore button-down black shirts with torn sleeves… which I’ll admit did little for my social standing at the schoolyard. Read More…
It’s time for another edition of Six Snacks I Want Back, celebrating foods that can no longer be eaten without the aid of time machines or slipshod DIY recipes posted by liars on social media.
If you missed the three previous installments, check ‘em out over here.
Oreo Big Stuf!
These were so good. Take normal Oreo cookies, but multiply their size by five. Then individually wrap them, as if to subtly suggest that they’re kingly. Seriously, do it. I’ll pay you.
What I remember most about Oreo Big Stuf cookies was how impossible they seemed, even in their time, and even when I was holding one with my own two hands. They felt more like comically oversized movie props, or maybe those plastic cookie-shaped containers which for some reason are meant to hold Cheerios.
They never felt real. Eating one was like a lucid dream. Nabisco said as much in the promotional materials.
Okay, no they didn’t. Read More…
($25 MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION AVAILABLE IN THE U.S. ONLY!)
Dino Drac’s April 2015 Funpack is available now!
Hard to believe that the Funpacks are entering their ninth month. I never expected this to go for so long, and I’m insanely grateful for everyone who took the plunge and helped me justify a life spent writing about Doritos and old comic book ads. Without you, Dino Drac would be lucky to get two updates a month. Thanks so much!
If you’re new to this Funpack business, here’s the lowdown: Each month, I send all subscribers a box of absurd nonsense. Subscriptions are $25 a month, and that includes shipping. Subscriptions are handled through Paypal, and you can cancel at anytime with no penalty. For as long as you remain subscribed, you’ll keep getting Dino Drac Funpacks every month! (Scroll to the bottom of this post for more information and a link to subscribe!)
Now, what’s in store for you this month?
It’s another ten item box! Every subscriber will receive:
– A never-used, still-bagged Street Sharks “Candy Machine” from 1995!
– A one-ounce box of case-fresh French Toast Crunch cereal!
– A 1989 McDonald’s Mac Tonight figure, in a custom Dino Drac bag!
– A giant Garbage Pail Kids sticker from 1986!
– Dino Drac’s April 2015 Ugly Mini-Poster!
– Dino Drac’s “Cops Vs. Giant Goldfish” two-pack!
– A pack of vintage Street Sharks trading cards!
– A pack of vintage Dick Tracy trading cards!
– A pack of vintage Independence Day trading cards!
– Dino Drac’s April 2015 Funpack Newsletter! (Not shown.)
If that doesn’t sound like a night well spent, you’re probably reading the wrong website. More details on this month’s inclusions down below! Read More…