Dinosaur Dracula!

Classic Creepy Commercials, Volume 14!

Guess it’s lame to do another Classic Creepy Commercials post so soon, but I have a lot of great ads to get to this year. I’m worried there won’t be time for them all!

(God knows your Halloween season won’t be complete until you watch a promo for a 1994 TV movie about Roseanne.)

Des Moines Theatrical Shop – 1992!
(Donated by Kevin B.)

This is quite possibly the single greatest commercial ever featured on Classic Creepy Commercials. Holy cow. It couldn’t be more perfect.

I’ve never heard of the Des Moines Theatrical Shop, and I’m actually only 30% sure about where the city of Des Moines is. Still, almost every state in the country had some version of this ad, which stretched its five dollar budget to Ed Wood levels.

Despite the fact that the commercial aired during children’s programming, it was decidedly not for kids. Oh, you’ll see ALF and maybe even Spuds MacKenzie, but beyond them, it’s just a parade of horrors.

We begin with shots of Freddy and Jason in what appears to be a Lazer Tag arena, or maybe a set from a Sheena Easton music video. The incredible thing is that they’re hardly the scariest sights. The Des Moines Theatrical Shop had its fair share of utterly bizarre $100 monster masks, and like we told you on the latest episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast, those masks were terrifying to children.

When I visualize the “scarier side” of my childhood Halloweens, it’s basically this commercial. This thing hits every bullet, from horrible masks to foggy darkness to the sounds of tuning forks having weird sex. Watch it, love it, remix it. Read More…

Not Your Average Scares!

We’re ridiculously close to October, which is great and maybe also a little bit terrible. Remember to make the most of the Halloween season! DO SPOOKY STUFF!

…even if it’s just listening to scary podcasts for an hour. Hey, speaking of which!

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Yup, we’re finally ready to drop the latest episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast. This week, me and Jay from The Sexy Armpit are doing another sequel to a previous show. In Not Your Average Scares: Part 2, we’re covering ten more things that are way scarier than they should be.

From that poor shoe’s death in Roger Rabbit to Billy Ocean’s Loverboy video, these wouldn’t be the first bullets on anyone’s list of scary things, but they all deserve to be on it.

Give us a listen by clicking the giant, ugly play button down below!

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You can also download this week’s episode by right-clicking here.

Sorry for the delay on this ep, but thanks a million to everyone who poked at us to see when it’d be debuting. It’s motivating to know that folks actually care!

(You can also check out the first Not Your Average Scares episode over here. As a reminder, we still have a bonus episode for sale if you’re interested… details on this page!) Read More…

Classic Creepy Commercials, Volume 13!

Oof, there is some serious nostalgia in this edition of Classic Creepy Commercials. Get ready for the feels.

Big thanks to Matt B. and Aaron G. for so graciously donating the ads featured below! You guys are the coolest curators.

Pumpkin Kutter! (1980s)

Still in production today, the Pumpkin Kutter is a miniature saw that makes carving jack-o’-lanterns a cinch. (Well maybe not a cinch, but certainly a thousand times easier than using dulled steak knives.) The tool’s simple design has since been aped by a zillion companies, but back in the ‘80s, this one was the one.

Joining the Pumpkin Kutter was the Pumpkin Scoop, which was more attractive than practical, and that’s okay, because when your shovel looks like a jack-o’-lantern wearing a condom, iffy functionality is forgiven.

Then there was the trio’s real must-have item, the Pumpkin Light. This battery-operated gizmo illuminated your pumpkin better than any candle could, and it even blinked erratically for extra eeriness. (I’m normally a candle purist, but that thing legitimately rocked.)

They’re everyday tools by 2016 standards, but as a kid, all of this orange garbage made carving pumpkins seem less like “arts and crafts” and more like “playing with toys.”

Added nostalgia points: The kitchen in this commercial looks exactly like the one my late grandparents had. I can practically smell the yarn and oil. Read More…

2016’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 2!

Get set for another batch of 2016’s best Halloween junk food!

(…with the same asterisk that we had last time. When I say “best,” I just mean “most interesting.” Sometimes, pretty things taste pretty bad!)

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Butterfinger Peanut Butter Skulls!

These are terrific! I’m not sure if they’re new-for-2016 or just something I overlooked last year, but I hope these wackadoo chocolate faces are here to stay.

You’ll notice that the skulls look precisely as good as the ones on the package, which almost never happens with this sort of candy. (Ever get one of those “Christmas tree” cups from Reese’s? They look like Dittos.)

Between the chiseled teeth and the bolt-shaped cracks in the skulls, these are as much art as candy. I wasn’t sure if I should eat them or mail ‘em to MoMA.

I won’t claim to prefer these to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but I definitely prefer ’em to regular Butterfinger bars. They’re creamy and they’re rich and they look like chocolate versions of Halloween coloring book pages.

GRADE: A+. I can’t think of any reasonable way to improve them. Read More…

Halloween Garlic Doritos?! They’re real!

Many countries have their own exclusive Halloween snacks, and if they’re especially good, the rest of the world can only seethe and stew over their geographical plights.

Or if you’re like me, you just spend a fortune on international shipping for weird Doritos.

Below are three of Japan’s Halloween snacks for 2016, ironically from companies that we in the States consider utterly American. You’re so going to want these. You’re not going to rest until you’ve eaten these.

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Garlic Pepper Halloween Doritos!

This is it, baby! This is the one! Even though I can only procure bags of Garlic Pepper Doritos from iffy mail-order companies, I’m 100% ready to call them the top junk food promo of the 2016 Halloween season. These are unstoppable, untoppable and some other almost-rhyming, half-fake word.

In fact, Jay made a pitch for Garlic Doritos just like these on the very first episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast. The execution is even better than we could’ve hoped for. I know he’s hard to notice in the photo, but there really is a vampire on the packaging. (You can see part of him on the center-left. He’s shying away from the Doritos, as if to say, “AH GARLIC I will NOT be sucking the blood from these particular chips, no sir.” Because that’s how vamps talk. He also reappears on the back of the package.)

Upon opening the bag, the stench was pleasantly akin to cheap ramen, with maybe the softest hint of dehydrated shrimp. The jet black chips taste like garlicky soy sauce, salty and tangy and completely motherfucking delicious. These are so legitimately good that I know it’s only a matter of time before they dupe the flavor and try for a broader release.

10 out of 10, A+++. Read More…