Christmas is a little over a week away. I’m horrified. Counting Halloween’s early burn, I’ve spent nearly five months using holiday nonsense to spackle every crack in my heart — “spackle every crack in my heart” of course being an unused lyric from the back pages of Whitesnake’s 1986 communal tour diary.
Come January, I won’t know how to live. There needs to be a support group for people who become too dependent on window clings and thematic M&M’s to go on without them. Preferably one that considers itself more of a club, and offers laminated membership cards to all confessors.
All I can do is make the most of the season while it lasts. Below are five more Christmassy junk foods that have helped to turn December into Decembooyah.
Dum Dums Holiday Pops!
These absurd candies actually debuted last year, but if you think I’m gonna let that minor detail keep me from gushing over a bag of Christmas-flavored lollipops, it’s fisticuffs for us.
Aside from the always-welcomed “Mystery” pops, there are eight exclusive flavors in the mix, ranging from potential rebrands like “Merry Cherry” and “Sugar Plum” to clearly custom additions like “Gingerbread” and “Hot Chocolate.” I know this hasn’t been a funny paragraph, so picture me using it in a speech with an oddly accusatory tone.
Of course, the folks at Dum Dums HQ didn’t need to do nearly this much for a holiday spinoff. I’m amazed that they could even come up with eight distinct Christmas flavors, let alone produce them. I’d tip my hat to the Spangler company, but I can’t wear hats without feeling like I’m trying too hard.
GRADE: A+. Read More…
At the start of the holiday season, I always have grand plans dancing in my head. I imagine a December filled with yuletide adventures, where half of my waking moments will be spent among blinking lights, brisk winds and spiked punches.
Eventually, the reality sets in: December may look prettier, but it’s still just another month, full of the same responsibilities and assorted time-drains. Christmas comes and goes in a flash, and there just aren’t many opportunities to make those grand plans a reality.
Still, there are a few things that keep December merry no matter how busy anyone gets. There’s always time to marvel at the decorations in your neighborhood, and if you can’t spare a few hours to watch your favorite holiday movies, you’re either lying or you desperately need a bullet journal.
There’s also the Christmas music. Nobody can take that away from you!
Come to think of it, Christmas music is my favorite “genre.” I’ve always loved it and I always will. Even the most mundane tasks feel so spirited when they’re scored by Brenda Lee or the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
If your holiday playlist could use some new additions, me and Jay from The Sexy Armpit are here to help! The newest episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast is a sequel to a show we did last year, naming more of our favorite Christmas tunes.
We’re covering a dozen songs this time, ranging from expected (Wham’s Last Christmas) to the bizarre (Crypt Keeper’s Christmas Rap). It’s a pretty eclectic mix!
Give us a listen by clicking on the giant, ugly play button down below!
You commuter types can also download this week’s episode by right-clicking here.
Thanks as always for listening! We’re hoping to knock out another holiday show before Christmas. It’s a tall order, but we’re gonna try. Read More…
You’ve probably spent December buying junk for other people, but what about YOU? Don’t you deserve YOUR OWN JUNK?
I think you do! And I can help.
(LIMITED TIME! AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES ONLY!)
FINALLY, Dino Drac’s December 2016 has arrived!
I’m getting a late start this month, which means that any potential new subscribers only have a few days to sign up. These babies are shipping later this week!
For those unaware, I sell monthly Funpacks, filled with retro goodies and all sorts of excellent nonsense. It’s 25 bucks a month (including shipping), and you can cancel at any time without penalty. For as long as you stay subscribed, you’ll receive new Funpacks each and every month!
The Funpacks fund Dino Drac, so on top of getting boxes of neat stuff to sort through, subscribers are the literal only thing keeping this site afloat!
Skip to the bottom for info on how to order, or keep reading to see what’s in store for the December 2016 Funpack! Read More…
Welcome to a special holiday edition of Five Random Action Figures. For maximum effect, you gotta drink eggnog and wear footie pajamas while reading this.
This time, I’m limiting myself only to figures that I personally got for Christmas back in the ‘80s. Two were already in my collection; the remaining three were purchased specifically for this article, and not at all because I thought it’d be awesome to own Serpentor again.
G.I. Joe (1986)
More “sci-fi” than the average G.I. Joe character, Serpentor was cloned from the remains of civilization’s most notorious warriors and strategists, like Julius Caesar and Attila the Hun. (This was later retconned, but since the retcon was even more out there, that “sci-fi” descriptor still fits.)
As the new leader of Cobra, Hasbro gave Serpentor the royal treatment. At first, his action figure was only available with the Air Chariot vehicle, which meant that kids had to work extra hard if they were gonna convince their parents to buy Serpentor during a regular trip to Toys “R” Us. Most of us had to wait for our birthdays, or in my case, Christmas.
Actually, I received him a few days before Christmas. This involved breaking my vow to not ask for him early while making my pitch at our old ratty Sears. My mother took the bait, as if I was really gonna spend a week living with Serpentor but never actually seeing him. C’mon.
Once she acquiesced, I had 3-4 days to play with Serpentor before Santa’s arrival. I never got bored of him. Even on the afternoon of Christmas, when the crowds were gone and I could finally pay full attention to my presents, I remember feeling guilty that I still wanted to play with Serpentor more than my “new” stuff.
I think it was the sparkly cape, but it could’ve just as easily been the Halloween snake mask. Or maybe it was the little cobra that came packaged with Serpentor in lieu of the traditional rifle. Man, this guy had a lot going for him. Easily among my top 5 favorite G.I. Joe figures. Read More…
Let’s dig up more highlights from the 1989 Sears Wish Book.
I’ve already plucked a dozen of the catalog’s best items for an older Dino Drac article, but it seemed silly to waste the rest of it. After all, Sears Wish Books have more pages than most novels, and beyond the 8-12 items that I typically feature are hundreds more of equivalent coolness. I think we can squeeze a little more juice from these lemons…
TMNT Shooting Gallery!
The gun didn’t actually shoot, and instead acted as an aiming device for you to pelt targets with a barrage of tiny metal balls.
I had the TMNT Shooting Gallery, and can confirm that it was stronger in concept than execution. The cheap plastic trigger only sometimes worked, and the aiming system was so off-kilter that you could’ve scored comparably while completely blindfolded.
Despite those flaws, I freakin’ loved this thing. The “gallery” was made to look like a pizza parlor, but one that’d been infiltrated by the likes of Krang, Bebop and a bisected Shredder.
Increasing the tension was April O’Neil, who hid in the background to run the cash register. Don’t shoot April, kids!
I rather liked this parallel universe wherein April worked at a pizza parlor and Shredder had no visible pupils. It was as if Donatello killed a butterfly during Turtles in Time. Read More…