The 5 Greatest Things About Carlo.

He may have turned up in a photo before, but I think it’s time for you to officially meet Carlo.

Carlo is great. He’s great for way more than five reasons, but I’m on a tight time budget.

Actually, just going by the photo above, I’m sure you could dream up more than twenty reasons why Carlo’s so great. It’s no tall order. Only the worst cynics, the jerks who are contrary just for the sake of it, wouldn’t be able to.

Reason #1: Carlo, in a Nutshell.

This is a zombie head on a bare skeleton, with a big, removable loaf of viscera shoved into the ribcage. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts, and that’s amazing to say when you’re dealing with parts like bone feet and removable viscera.

It’s a safe bet that Carlo’s creator stumbled upon this formula by accident or happenstance. Nothing this tremendous has ever happened on purpose.

Reason #2: Carlo’s Head.

Where do I start?

I’m not even sure that “zombie” is adequate. At the very least, it’s zombie with an asterisk.

The sneaky green snake indicates a level of festering typically associated with zombies, but Carlo has open wounds, filled with what looks like fresh, live blood. That snake seems even creepier when it’s navigating the face of someone who is still alive.

But wait!

Check out those teeth! There are clearly vampire fangs in Carlo’s mouth. On top of everything else, Carlo is a vampire!  A vampire zombie with a skeleton body, with eyebrows too much like Gene Shalit’s for it to be a coincidence.

EDIT: Okay, so they’re probably werewolf fangs, not vampire fangs. Fine. I’m okay with that. Zombie werewolves are even cooler.

Reason #3: Carlo’s Removable, Squeaking Viscera.

When you can best summarize something by saying “it has removable viscera,” that something is always worth buying.  Doing perfection one better, this gob of guts is actually a squeak toy. Makes the same stupid noise that any rubber pork chop would.

Squeaking viscera. The name of my next band. The thing that happens whenever Nelson Frazier sees a big ugly spider.

It’s incredible, and if I wasn’t already devoting the next reason to this same loaf of viscera, I’d continue the praise for ten more paragraphs.

Reason #4: Carlo’s Viscera Looks Like an Expensive Car.

Oh, come on. I know you’re seeing it, too. It’s totally a Corvette.

Thank God for photos. I’d never make it through this without them.

“K, I have this thing. It’s kind of a skeleton. But with a vampire zombie head. It has removable viscera. The viscera looks like a Corvette.”

It just doesn’t work without the pictures.

Before I publish this, I’m Tweeting that description.  Let’s see what happens.

Well, nobody’s responded so far. Of course they haven’t. You need photos to make something like this work. That’s my point, here. Photography is almost as great as Carlo.

Reason #5: Carlo Has a Girlfriend.

Her name is, I dunno, Trudy. Let’s say Trudy.

Trudy has the same skeleton body and the same squeaking viscera, but her head is something new and different. Kind of a pirate/witch deal, with a black rat futzing around in her eye sockets.

I’m taking the girly headgear to mean that she’s female, but I’m not 100% on it.

The fact that Carlo found his soul mate is crazy enough, but that she’s a member of his own species is just wild in every possible good way. I’m happy that Carlo has someone to spend the holidays with, even if he constantly takes Trudy for granted.

The truth is, nobody wants to feel like they’re settling. Not you, not me, not even Carlo. But when your SO has a rat running through her eye sockets, you kinda know that you’re settling.

But hey, Carlo? Look in the mirror. A snake is eating your cheeks. You look like a 400-year-old Eddie Vedder. All things being equal, Trudy’s a catch.

Wondering where I found Carlo and Trudy?

So am I.

They just appeared in one of my boxes of junk, as if by magic. I have a pretty good memory, and I’m fairly certain that I would remember purchasing skeleton figures with zombie heads and squeaking guts.

Somehow, I don’t.

I prefer to think that it was their choice to join me. Maybe they heard about the awesome popcorn I make, with the Old Bay seasoning.  The trick is spraying the popcorn with seven ounces of Pam before sprinkling the Old Bay on top.

I won’t tell Carlo that, though. If he knew the secret, he might take his show on the road.

I like my life better with Carlo and Trudy in it.

  • jimbutsu

    Hi everyone!

    I never post, I know, but any chance to bitch about Facebook… and Subway’s advertising, while I’m at it.

    I’ve never had a Facebook account and probably never will. I have had people tell me I need to be on Facebook to know what’s happening with them socially and to be included in things. This, to me, is a great way to separate the wheat from the chaff. If my participation in your life, or yours in mine, hinges on Facebook, we are clearly not close enough to warrant such involvement anway.

    The other thing I heard form someone a while back about Facebook, which sums up part of my lack of interest, involved finally getting all the weeds out of their garden only to have them grow back upon joining Facebook.

    Subway lost all their marketing credibility with me with the introduction of the Taste Fairy, who is actually a local radio personality here in MN.

    Happy 4th, everyone!

    HOLIDAY BONUS: We were all talking about South of the Border about a billion years ago, and I tried time and again to post a writeup I’d done on it way back when, but the x-e comments wouldn’t accept the link, so if it works and anyone remembers/cares, huzzah!

  • Old School Mike

    So I guess it’s official? I’m the only one not on facebook?


  • Rev. T. Mabb 13

    “if enough time goes by without them posting anything that interests me or signs of them showing any interest in what I post, they get the axe.” – Jugdish

    If you ever give me the axe, I’m deleting my account. There are more efficient ways of notifying the remaining handful of people in my life who need to know about how my dog taunts and abuses me.

    I have considered getting rid of Facebook at least a dozen times, and recently deleted about half of the contacts I had on there just because it was such a timesuck to look at all the stuff these people were posting, when if they were to come up to me in person and say these things, I would roll my eyes so hard that the force of my sarcasm would leave dents in the ceiling. A separate account for relatives keeps my mother and cousins from having to see what a filthmouth I am. They already know this, but I don’t see the point of rubbing their faces in it.

  • kingklash

    My FaceBook is only to keep up with certain family members, and that’s because I got tired of asking someone if they heard about what happened to so-and-so, and being told it was already put up on fb by cousin what’s-his-name. I don’t get the idea of broadcasting every iota of drama, every particle of normal life, or beating others over the head with whatever beliefs I hold dear, like pretty much 99.44/100% of fb postings. I may post a pic or two, or a Fark link, or something from the FailBook site, but no personal business. The first thing I posted was a link to the South Park episode “You Have 0 Friends” because it was pretty much my feelings about how important fb seems to be in other’s lives. Except I suck at Yahtzee.

  • Jugendsehnsucht

    “If you ever give me the axe, I’m deleting my account.”Rev. Beaver Picture 13

    I’d sooner axe my own nads. And I’m not talking about bad deodorant and hair-removal gel.

  • Old School Mike

    Sounds like facebook is a lot like the mafia… just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in.


  • mandy_Reeves

    So…weekend from hell…don’t know if you all heard, but here in South Jersey, we got something very rare happen on Friday night/Saturday Morning(2 am)…it was a Tornado/Nor’easter/cyclone mash up thing called a derecho….no power for 3.5 days! Or no water…so we had to go to wawa down the street to pee and poo. Power came back last night.

    My left knee gave out yesterday when I was coming home from my morning potty break, and the stupid ER doc dislocated my knee TWICE!

    I have a knee cap that sits higher than other peoples…he didn’t read the previous notes about that, instead, he thinks I dislocated it and shoves it downward, essentially dislocating it, because it’s SUPPOSED to be higher up…

    He takes x rays and gets ticked off when he see’s that my knee went back to where it’s supposed to go. So he shoves it down HARDER this time, and I scream and start to cry….he tells me to see my Ortho doc ASAP.

    So I go there, and lo and behold, it turns out the ER doc had no clue what he was doing.

    Then about 2 hours ago, I went to wawa for a smoothie, while under the influence of Percocet….I had a load of quarters in my pocket, and when they jingled, I jumped and turned around, thinking something was following me!

    Then I saw a cashier who moved really quick and I thought she was twins

  • Hoverbored

    Mandy-Reeves, sorry about the jackasses.

    Speaking of jackasses, their coronam princep has been setting off fireworks since before dark, and the dogs are going nuts. I oughtta call the police.

  • JohnV

    @mandy_Reeves – I was going to complain about Independence Day falling on a Wednesday and having to go back to work for two more days but that’s a real nightmare that happened to you. Were you telling the ER doc about your knee cap’s past or was he just going to do his own thing? I lost power for 4 days last year when Hurricane Irene hit L.I., two hours before the storms passes a tree on my block decides to fall over onto the power lines and crack a utility pole in half. Love the summer. Never heard the term “derecho” before had to look that up.

  • Andy

    This is a small thing I’m sure you’re aware of Matt but the fields don’t line up with the labels in the comment form when viewing in Chrome. Not a huge deal but I’ve got a tick where I have to be a dick and point these things out.

  • Dean

    If you are going to call your band Squeaking viscera, then I call dibs on Violent Popcorn.

  • Another Tom

    The meaning of life?
    That’s easy.
    “Every rose has its thorn, like every night has its dawn. And every cowboy sings a sad sad song.”