Fake Gazpacho Recipe.

Gazpacho is a cold vegetable soup, something like tomato soup, but even more like chopped vegetables with tomato juice thrown on top. At least, the best kinds are.

Here’s how to make a super easy and quick gazpacho, though it comes with the admission that this technically isn’t gazpacho at all. But I am so not going to miss a chance to type “gazpacho” two dozen times. It is FUN.

First, buy prepared mirepoix from your local grocer. Mirepoix is chopped celery, onions and carrots, normally used as a base ingredient for stocks and stews. I see it at stores fairly regularly these days, so I do not feel out of bounds in my assumption that every grocery store in every city in every country has it for sale.

Course, if yours doesn’t, it’s not hard to buy the vegetables and chop them yourself. If you do, feel free to add others. Cucumber might be nice, because real gazpacho is never without it. In fact, the lack of cucumber here is my precise reason for qualifying this as “fake” gazpacho.

Gazpacho word count: 6.

Next, pour some V8 (or straight up tomato juice, if preferred) straight into the package. I’ve dealt with mirepoix containers in many shapes and sizes, and this pour-the-V8 thing has worked fine every time.

Your goal isn’t to make the vegetables “swim.” You just want to plug all of the gaps with V8. This is an extremely easy step; the only way to make it difficult is by trying to photograph the process while performing it.

Gazpacho usually has some kick to it, so add Tabasco sauce. If you like your food very spicy, add a lot of Tabasco sauce. Then add a fuckton of pepper, and maybe half-a-fuckton of salt. (V8 is practically saltwater as is, but you’re going to need more if you don’t want this to just taste like wet vegetables.)

Seal the container, shake it up, give everything a good mixing, and serve. Voila, you’re done. I like to serve my fake gazpacho in stemless martini glasses, mainly because I hate drinking martinis out of stemless martini glasses, and when else will I have the chance to use them?

Top it with a bit more V8, and for visual impact, add a little more pepper. It is delicious. No joke. I know it’s another case of me bringing up “tomato juice” without considering how polarizing it is, but if you try this and do not like it, you are dumb and I hate you.

PS: Eat it with a fork. You can use a spoon, but it’s more fun to stab the vegetables. When there’s nothing left but liquid, drink it. Depending on the amount of Tabasco sauce, this recipe will range from “spicy” to “PAIN I CAN’T IGNORE, I WILL NOW LOOK UP CURES FOR FIRE DEATH ONLINE, OH HERE, THEY SAY TO EAT DAIRY, NOW I WILL EAT A WHOLE BRICK OF SOFT CHEESE.” It’s better to fall somewhere in the middle, but since that’s subjective, it’s up to you to know your threshold.

Tomorrow on Dinosaur Dracula: #2 Pencils, and how to keep the lead from smearing.


38 Responses to Fake Gazpacho Recipe.

  1. I’m gonna make some of that. It looks like something I can make that will taste good and I can’t fuck it up.

  2. I never knew I liked Gazpacho until just now.

  3. That sounds yummy and I want some now.

  4. Looks like something I could happily ruin my renal functions with! I love when homemaker Aunt Matty comes to town.

  5. Please tell me there will be more “recipes” in the future.
    ; )

  6. Huh. I was always lead to believe it was just cold tomato soup. Thanks a lot Simpsons and Batman Returns, you lied to me!

    I wouldn’t make this myself, but if someone were to make it for me I’d go for it.

  7. I only learned what Gazpacho is from watching Red Dwarf. Fans will know what I’m talking about.

    Having since tried it, I can definitely say it is tasty. This recipe looks tasty as well. I must try it some time, but I can’t STAND raw onions. Cooked onions are great, but you can’t cook Gazpacho, so the mirepoix is out.

  8. Hmm. That wouldn’t look half-bad if I were a bigger fan of tomato juice. Maybe I could find a small bottle somewhere…

  9. This is awesome! I’ve always used v8 as my base for gazpacho. Now you’ve just made it easier. Except I do have to have cucumbers in it.

  10. This is actually pretty tempting, even though there’s every chance I might hate it. I am getting overly experimental in my “old age”…

  11. I could also see someone use some tortilla chips to scoop it like a salsa.

    I broke my tailbone. :(

  12. Gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho gazpacho. You’re right, that WAS fun! (And I didn’t even copy pasta!)

    As always, I loved the article, but I hate vegetabes, tomato juice, and V8, so I’m going to enjoy this gazpacho vicariously through you, Matt!

    IHAQ, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it vichyssoise that is mentioned in Batman Returns? That’s the only reason I know what vichyssoise is.

    I’ve often heard gazpacho compared to salsa, King JLA, so I imagine you wouldn’t be the first to eat it with tortilla chips. Also, I think I remember seeing you say you fell on fb…you broke your tailbone??? Ouch! Hope you heal quickly, sir.

  13. I haven’t had gazpacho in years and while I’ve always liked it when I had it, I haven’t gone out of my way to make it. But this would be great for those days when I can’t think of what to bring for work. And it’s healthy, so bonus.

    I’m willing to try this on the strength of the tomato toddy. That’s become my favorite soup. People look at me all funny when I tell them about it, and it just gets funnier when I tell them where I heard about the recipe.

  14. I drink V8 and eat vegetables, but for some reason the thought of adding them together just doesn’t jive with me.
    Also @Matt, my birthday is coming up and I have a request. Every video i’ve seen recently I always notice that Erector box in the background. It would make my life time if you could put up a cleverly positioned sticky note to make it say “Erection”. I would be eternally grateful and could finally die happy.

  15. I’m fond of gazpacho, even when it is basically just cold tomato soup.

    It’s weird, but while I like tomatoes, and tomato sauce, and tomato soup, and tomato salsa… tomato juice is somehow problematic for me. Tabasco sauce isn’t my favorite either. So I guess what I’m saying, Matt, is that while I won’t follow your recipe, I do appreciate that you’re putting it out there. Maybe I’ll substitute cold tomato soup for tomato juice, and use some non-Tabasco hot sauce instead.

  16. isn’t vichyssoise cold soup also? It’s potato leek soup served chilled

  17. This is wonderful! Fantastic update! Please share more recipes when they come to mind.

  18. That looks truly foul ;)

  19. Matt, this sounds like a pretty good recipe. What’s your opinion on the Tabasco Bloody Mary mix, specifically the spicy one with grated horseradish in it? Think that would work instead of plain V8? Coz I really love that stuff.

  20. Matt, I love you more than life itself but this is an abomination. As a gazpacho aficionado, I cannot sign off on this!! No cucumber, no garlic (!?!??) AND no parsley? I weep for your mouth.

  21. Looks delicious. Ghetto gazpacho… Ghetzpacho!

  22. Mirepoix. Well how about that I learned a new word from Dino Drac, can’t say that every day. :) Never seen mirepoix before, I need to pay attention more in the supermarket.

    I’ve had real gazpacho and it’s good. I half expected Matt to throw this whole concoction in a blender to make this more soup like. The recipe articles are always fun no matter what.

    @Doctor_Who: Red Dwarf was my first exposure to gazpacho too. Whenever I hear or see the word I can’t help but think of Arnold Rimmer eating piping hot gazpacho soup. :P

  23. I am so confused by this post. Yesterday was a really rough day, and at the end of it, in my three minute daily allotment of leisure time, I came online and my brain went, “Dinosaur Dracula. Soup recipe. Wat.” Then I fell asleep and dreamed, and this site was all wound up in the dream, and several of you were there. I had an internet dream. That is the power of gazpacho.

    The only thing I know about vichyssoise is that in my college economics class, the professor related an anecdote about someone dying of botulism from eating canned vichyssoise. So stay away from canned vichyssoise, people. You could DIE.

  24. Teddy Ray, you’re right! I was only going on childhood memory, which is apparently not very accurate!

    Here’s the clip: http://youtu.be/q7ZGH26llwE

  25. @Doctor_Who: Red Dwarf was the very first thing I thought of when I saw this article.

  26. Red Dwarf!!!

  27. If you look up cures for Fire Death on Internet, you will be death before trying any of them, call 911 instead!

  28. @JohnV
    That hot gazpacho cost Rimmer his promotion.

  29. Someone made a joke about how Danish people eat cheese the other day so now every time someone mentions cheese I think that’s my department! Cheese! Even though I don’t look Danish at all lol my Great Grandparents came from Denmark and this is way off topic.

    We haven’t gone shopping yet and I want to convince him to get the stuff for this! I thought they made a garlic version of V8 juice? I guess not. They need to get on that. People need to buy the minced garlic in a jar. It’s not that expensive and it’s so easy to just put your spoon in a jar and scoop out what you need. A large jar is like under 10 bucks. You can get a small jar too if you don’t have that much room in your fridge. I wouldn’t mind chopping up some cucumber for that. We actually have cucumber probably have to throw it out though.

    I just drank one of those McDonalds Frappe drinks. If you drink those daily I feel bad for you. I cannot imagine how much sugar and crap is in one of those. And trust me I am not a health nut. And I am becoming an old lady. This woman was driving around and her kid had their foot out the window and I told Harry that is such bad parenting to just let them do whatever and you don’t do anything about it.

  30. when you started this recipe,i was doubtful, but when you got to tabasco is was fully on board. I will try this this weekend.

  31. I got him on board. We will use regular tomato juice though and not V8.

  32. I hate vegetables and still find this oddly tempting.

  33. Like Rimmer I demand my Gazpacho to be served piping hot. Even at the expense of shunning, ridicule and being left off the list for invitations to the really good Tupperware parties.

  34. I’ve generally been pretty lazy when it comes to Matt’s recipes and crafts projects but I seriously think I’m going to try this next time I go to the grocery. Thanks, bud!

  35. “Tomorrow on Dinosaur Dracula: #2 Pencils, and how to keep the lead from smearing.”

    I’ve been reading your site since 2004. If you don’t deliver on this, it’ll be akin to the camowl incident, at which point I don’t know if I can keep reading.

    …nah, but no seriously…I want this article

  36. While I will likely never try to make this I just wanted you to know that enjoyed this recipe anyway.

  37. “If you play Maybe I’m Amazed backwards, you’ll find a recipe for a ripping lentil soup”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *