I made you lunch.

Guys, I made you lunch. You better eat it. It’s a sin to waste food.

See that? It’s a Kraft “Singlestamp” cheese cutter, with a Cheesasaurus Rex theme. If you’ll recall, Cheesasaurus Rex was Kraft’s beloved Macaroni & Cheese mascot back in the ‘90s. He was big, he was orange and he was very possibly made of cheese.

I hope you loved him. Your reaction to what I’ve prepared for you completely depends on it.

Aside from the cheese cutter, I needed lots of Kraft Singles. Gotta be honest: I lost my zeal for Kraft Singles a long time ago. I don’t find them actively repulsive, but they have a certain ability to make the things they touch repulsive.

The problem is when people heat it up. I can deal with Kraft Singles when they’re surrounded by other chilled things, but let’s say that I’m at a barbecue, and the guy manning the grill insists on putting a Kraft Single on every last patty. HUGE PROBLEM for me. It’s what gets me to subsist on the weird string bean salad left uncovered on the table. The one unguarded from every conceivable fly invasion. I am not describing a good afternoon.

Fortunately for you, I did not warm this cheese. It will never be hotter than room temperature.

So, you take the Singlestamp cutter and pound it into a slice of cheese. Course, when I say “pound,” I really mean “gently massage.” Treat that Singlestamp as you would someone you adore. If you press too hard, you will never be able to separate it from the cheese. Not with ol’ Cheesasaurus intact, at least.

I speak from experience, because this next photo came from my tenth attempt to stamp a stupid dinosaur onto a Kraft Single:


Twenty minutes of cheese murder and bad lighting to get that photo, but it was still SO WORTH IT.

It’s pure, processed art. Cheese has never looked better. I need to fossilize this shit and hang it on a wall. The next time someone says “pretty,” my mind will no longer drift to thoughts of Miss Elizabeth in her white wedding cocktail dress. Forevermore, my concept of pretty is THIS CHEESE.

I said I was making you lunch, and there sure are a lot of you. At least, there were a lot of you back during Paragraph 1. I probably lost 50% of you with the barbecue story. The remaining 50% have my gratitude for surviving.

You were my excuse to make lots and lots of dinosaur cheese. I went berserk and I couldn’t be stopped. Think you’ve experienced everything life has to offer? It’s only true if you’ve stamped Cheesasaurus Rex onto a Kraft Single. I haven’t been this happy since Wayne Palmer got killed off.

Heavens to Betsy, there it is! Your sandwich! An open-top multi-decker! A veritable Dino Dagwood!

Beyond the bread is a lot of cheese, along with onions, tomatoes and lettuce. It’s a BLT, minus the B and plus a C. It’s a CLT.

And an O, for the onions. It’s a CLTO.

It’s a CLOT.

You’re eating a CLOT.

Since I’m sure you’re dying to know: Yes, you can peel the extra yellow away to make a standalone Cheesasaurus cheese figure. But then you’ll be seriously manhandling your food. Please wash your hands thoroughly before trying this. I didn’t, and now all I can taste are the garbage pails I dragged in from the rain.

This one’s on the house.