I made you lunch.

Guys, I made you lunch. You better eat it. It’s a sin to waste food.

See that? It’s a Kraft “Singlestamp” cheese cutter, with a Cheesasaurus Rex theme. If you’ll recall, Cheesasaurus Rex was Kraft’s beloved Macaroni & Cheese mascot back in the ‘90s. He was big, he was orange and he was very possibly made of cheese.

I hope you loved him. Your reaction to what I’ve prepared for you completely depends on it.

Aside from the cheese cutter, I needed lots of Kraft Singles. Gotta be honest: I lost my zeal for Kraft Singles a long time ago. I don’t find them actively repulsive, but they have a certain ability to make the things they touch repulsive.

The problem is when people heat it up. I can deal with Kraft Singles when they’re surrounded by other chilled things, but let’s say that I’m at a barbecue, and the guy manning the grill insists on putting a Kraft Single on every last patty. HUGE PROBLEM for me. It’s what gets me to subsist on the weird string bean salad left uncovered on the table. The one unguarded from every conceivable fly invasion. I am not describing a good afternoon.

Fortunately for you, I did not warm this cheese. It will never be hotter than room temperature.

So, you take the Singlestamp cutter and pound it into a slice of cheese. Course, when I say “pound,” I really mean “gently massage.” Treat that Singlestamp as you would someone you adore. If you press too hard, you will never be able to separate it from the cheese. Not with ol’ Cheesasaurus intact, at least.

I speak from experience, because this next photo came from my tenth attempt to stamp a stupid dinosaur onto a Kraft Single:

IT WAS SO WORTH IT.

Twenty minutes of cheese murder and bad lighting to get that photo, but it was still SO WORTH IT.

It’s pure, processed art. Cheese has never looked better. I need to fossilize this shit and hang it on a wall. The next time someone says “pretty,” my mind will no longer drift to thoughts of Miss Elizabeth in her white wedding cocktail dress. Forevermore, my concept of pretty is THIS CHEESE.

I said I was making you lunch, and there sure are a lot of you. At least, there were a lot of you back during Paragraph 1. I probably lost 50% of you with the barbecue story. The remaining 50% have my gratitude for surviving.

You were my excuse to make lots and lots of dinosaur cheese. I went berserk and I couldn’t be stopped. Think you’ve experienced everything life has to offer? It’s only true if you’ve stamped Cheesasaurus Rex onto a Kraft Single. I haven’t been this happy since Wayne Palmer got killed off.

Heavens to Betsy, there it is! Your sandwich! An open-top multi-decker! A veritable Dino Dagwood!

Beyond the bread is a lot of cheese, along with onions, tomatoes and lettuce. It’s a BLT, minus the B and plus a C. It’s a CLT.

And an O, for the onions. It’s a CLTO.

It’s a CLOT.

You’re eating a CLOT.

Since I’m sure you’re dying to know: Yes, you can peel the extra yellow away to make a standalone Cheesasaurus cheese figure. But then you’ll be seriously manhandling your food. Please wash your hands thoroughly before trying this. I didn’t, and now all I can taste are the garbage pails I dragged in from the rain.

This one’s on the house.


43 Responses to I made you lunch.

  1. Damn, I was expecting something we could really eat.. now I gotta go make something for lunch. :(

  2. Wayne Palmer was my homeboy. I was more upset when Dennis Hopper had a really shitty Czech accent when he showed up. Different seasons, but what the fuck.

    I don’t like Kraft singles when they are cold, so I guess we would do okay at a barbecue together! Actually that sounds like a fucking BLAST!

  3. You are right in spirit, but in practice, I “have” to go to barbecues several times a year. I absolutely despise them, and a list of the reasons why would take a whole week to write.

  4. @kidneyboy: I think my Wayne hate is partially misguided, as for some reason I hold him accountable for Season 6.

  5. Incidentally did you know that today is National Grilled Cheese day? You should have heated up those succulent creamy plastic slabs on a buttered griddle. For a real treat, slip in a slice of tasty ham!

  6. I can’t stop looking at the stamped cheese… It’s so inviting and shiny. I really want a grilled cheese now, but I don’t want to melt that hypnotic picture. *sigh*

    Also, my boyfriend is obsessed with singing the Cheers theme song. I’m going nuts. :(

  7. @Ryane: I read that as “Cheese theme song” and got really excited for a second.

    @Rev: I just heard the news, I would of course cry foul about hot cheese on this of all days.

  8. Aww, I’m sorry! I’m sure he could make up some wonky cheese theme song, though.

  9. Yeah, Season 6 was a shitty season. My favorite is still either season 2 or 3. The “George Mason dies of secret radiation poisoning” was pretty good. I found it hard to watch David Palmer without thinking of Major League and Jobu.

  10. It’s okay, now I’m replacing words in the Cheers song with cheese-related words. It’s not working out well, but it’s fun to try.

  11. @kidneyboy: I liked the earlier seasons but S5 was what made me a fan to begin with. That season’s version of Logan is still one of my favorite TV characters ever. And then came S6, which suddenly made Jack’s daughter’s issues with cougars and Johnny Drama seem like paradise.

  12. Apparently he was trying to do the same thing.

  13. I have a similar device that you press in to bread before toasting that imparts a barely visible logo in the browned bread, might work with that too. Might also be terribly disappointing.

  14. Can I get a side of Crunch Tators?

  15. Yummy, Thanks for lunch. I am now going to go through some songs and see how cheese works in them, I am going to start with some of The Cure, then Metallica songs and see what happens.

  16. That’s a nice looking sandwich.

  17. I know this is obviously simple but I love when you do food or recipe articles. Some of the past ones make me suspect you are much more proficient in the kitchen than you let on :)

  18. Matt: Goes to BBQ, only eats Poore Brothers Tato Skins.

  19. What’s wrong with melted kraft singles?

    They make delicious cheeseburgers and grilled cheese.

    Does this have something to do with your aversion to milk?

    Do you dislike pizza because the cheese is melted?

  20. No aversion to melted cheese, hot cheese or any other mangled cheese, so long as it isn’t a Kraft Single. It doesn’t melt the way I like cheese to melt. It jellies.

  21. I buy Kraft singles all the time, but they are not for eating.

    They are for sealing dog pils into. Nothing holds a dog pil like a small square of Kraft “cheese”. Once the sides touch it’s as good as your strongest epoxy.

    Then just pretend you are going to eat it, “accidentally” drop the cheese, and WHAM! You have fed a dog a pil.

  22. “Iss One Beelyun dollars RRamon, ONE BEELYUN DOLLARSS!”

  23. Dammnit! Now I’ve got a craving for cheese singles, there better be some in my fridge!

  24. Can we see a Mad Matt project where you dry out the cheesy dino and document it’s drying demise?

  25. *UPDATE* Yes! There were cheese singles in my fridge I had one and it was good! Craving satisfied.

    But it didn’t have a dinosaur stamped on it… darn you Matt for having all the coolest stuff! :p

  26. Is it my the lighting or my imagination, but is the cheese within the sandwich still wrapped? If it is, I will look at your food posts with a lot more skepticism.

  27. Is it my imagination or the lighting&*

  28. I promise you, it’s not wrapped. I also promise that each slice has a Che Rex imprint on it.

  29. I hate cheese but I hate pasturized process cheese product even more. I’m not entirely convinced that it isn’t made of plastic.

    That being said, it looks cute when stamped.

  30. What’s your opinion on Velveeta?

    You should have turned this into a dino lunch with dino shaped chicken nuggets, some of that old Dinosaur pasta from Chef Boyardee, and that dino Kool-Aid (Grapeasaurus Rex?).

  31. I loathe Kraft singles (I like my cheese to be CHEESE, dammit!) but I would totes eat that sandwich, knowing how much love and care (and time and cursing) you put into it ♥

  32. Eating cheese in the world today takes everything you got.
    Taking a cheese break from all your worries sure would help a lot.
    Wouldn’t you like to eat some cheese
    Sometimes you want to eat ….

    Yeah, the Cheers theme song should be left alone.

  33. Oh dear. While I have fond memories of seeing Cheesasaurus Rex all over the place in college and during my first years of working in a grocery store and I think the stamp is a nifty idea…I couldn’t touch that sandwich. I can’t stand cheese food product.

    Thank you anyway, Matt. The rest of the blog regulars can have my share. :)

  34. Sad thing is, I’ve actually seen Rule 34 of Cheesasaurus Rex. And not just any Rule 34, oh nooooooo, but Futanari Corruption/Transformations Rule 34 no less. HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?!

  35. Matt, please do an article articulating exactly why you despise going to barbecues. Your public demands.

  36. Kraft singles — really, any “American cheese” — are what I call a “guilty displeasure” food for me. I don’t like it at all; I’d rather have just about any sort of real cheese rather than the pasteurized process imitation cheese food product. But if there are slices of it around, it’s like I just have to try one just to remind myself why I don’t like it.

    All that said, that’s an impressive job of cheese stamping. I wouldn’t have guessed it would work out that well, even with the amount of practice runs you took.

  37. I hate to be “that guy.” I really appreciate the time you took to make us lunch and all the love you put into it, but I don’t eat lettuce, tomato, or onions. Sorry, but I’ll pass. I’ll be in the corner with starwenn, observing everyone else.

  38. First that looks delicious and I would SO eat it. Second, agreed RE: Wayne Palmer.

  39. I don’t understand the Cheese single hate. I make grilled cheese, cheeseburgers and meat and cheese sandwiches a lot. We go through one package of Kraft singles a month. I don’t want to dirty up a knife just to slap a piece of cheese on a burger, or make a sandwich. We always have a butter knife on the counter for butter and mayo so you can’t say well you dirty up one knife. Why go through all that work to just have cheese? We do get cheese blocks on occasion. I just got 2 blocks on sale. But the singles are cheaper, and more convenient.

    When I was a kid, I would fold up the cheese until it wouldn’t fold anymore and then eat the pieces in little squares.

  40. Isn’t Cheesasaurus Rex still around?

  41. Sadly, no.

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