Ocean Creatures Crackers!

The real world kept me from Dino Drac for a week, and now I’m all rusty. I have longer posts waiting to be written, but today calls for something breezy and brainless.

How about cheese crackers shaped like squid?

Ocean Creatures! I found them at Dollar Tree, and was immediately enamored with the concept, the sea life shapes, and the fact that it was all promised to taste like delicious phony cheese.

They’re obviously inspired by Pepperidge Farm Goldfish, which is literally the only food on the planet that I’d be willing to eat exclusively for the rest of my life. I love those fish. Choosing between the Parmesan and Cheddar flavors is my own personal version of the Judgment of Solomon. I’m not sure what I mean by that.

There must be a hundred different Goldfish ripoffs out there, and you know they’re ripoffs, because even with the thousands of animals begging to be immortalized as fun-shaped cheese crackers, these companies always pick some kind of fish.

So why am I covering Ocean Creatures instead of some other borderline-bootlegger? Because they picked six different fish, dummy.

(Okay, three fish, a marine mammal, a cephalopod and an echinoderm. But this is a case where clarifying only makes things better.)

Guys, they’re dangerously good. I’m about to show my age here, but do any of you remember Quackers? They were variously-flavored duck shaped crackers, which ruled my world in the mid ‘80s. Here’s the commercial, if you need a refresher.

When Quackers went away, I was devastated. They were delicious, and there was nothing else on the market quite like them.

At least, not until now. These Ocean Creatures are the spiritual descendants of Quackers, with the same level of grease and crunch. Thank heavens. Now when I reminisce about the time I fed Quackers to seagulls on the Wildwood beach, it won’t be as bittersweet.

(As a kid, I thought feeding birds to birds was outrageously hysterical.)

I mentioned that they’re dangerous. THEY ARE. You won’t settle for a handful of Ocean Creatures. You just won’t. You’re going to eat Ocean Creatures until you have no more Ocean Creatures to eat. So I guess the trick is making sure that you only stock them in short supply? Otherwise you’ll eat six pounds of cheesy starfish, and unless you’re trying to reach the next boxing class, no good can come of that.

The animal shapes are fantastic. Not a dud in the whole batch.

I was most excited about the squid, because under typical circumstances, squid-shaped crackers taste like real squid. Uncultured swine that I am, I can’t say that I’ve ever been down with squid-flavored squid.

I’m also digging how they gave us two distinct types of sharks. Sure, you could argue that the second shark is a completely different fish, but if you’re that sort of dream-crusher, I must wonder why you read such a bright and happy website. I bet you used to watch Lost just so you could complain about it afterward.

I have too much loyalty to Pepperidge Farm to ever name another fish-shaped cracker “#1,” but these come super close. They’re oily cheddar fuckers that let me play Jacques Cousteau whenever I’m hungry. My French accent sounds even better when my mouth is full of crackers.


46 Responses to Ocean Creatures Crackers!

  1. Wow, those really do look appealing, perhaps even worth visiting Dollar Tree for. I doubt I actually will, though, as the nearest Dollar Tree is just barely enough out of my way to make a special trip there for crackers seem unjustified. However, if I have other business in that same plaza, I will seek them out.

  2. You and I both know that you will be there tonight, damnably enticed by the thought of cheese-flavored whales.

  3. …and just like that, the memory of Quackers come flooding back, grease and all.

  4. QUACKERS. I want some right now.

    As far as Goldfish knockoffs go, I like Whales.

  5. That squid cracker definitely looks phallic.

  6. Aw man……..that Quackers commercial definitely brought back memories. Not only of themselves, but the Keebler “Munch’ems” series, which has also been long dead….loved both, especially the sour cream and onion varieties.

  7. I like how the underline beneath “KEY TO CRACKER SHAPES!!!” is like the fading EKG of a man who, in fact, could not stop himself from eating box after box of these crackers.

  8. I’m so glad someone else remembers Quackers fondly! I was obsessed with them when I was a kid. Can’t believe I never thought to look up old ads for them. Thank you!

  9. Oh dear they taste like Quackers!? MUST GET SOON! I miss Quackers to this day and I was barely old enough to remember them before they went away.

  10. Wow, I had forgotten about Quackers!

    I really liked those too.

    I really don’t care for Goldfish and most of their imitators. I like cheese crackers, but I’d rather have them from the Cheez-Its/Cheese Nips variety or Lance Toastchees. Goldfish are SO dry and mostly flavorless to me. I feel like I have to really choke them down. But kids fucking love them.

  11. Bless the Dollar Tree food aisles. All manner of off-brand cookies, crackers, sports drinks, and vienna sausages. Sometimes I play a mental exercise game while there bored and pretend I just moved into a small apartment and have a $15 food budget and (for reasons unexplained) have to get food for the week there: what do you get? It occupies some time and gives my frontal lube some activity to wrestle with.

  12. Goldfish always seem too plain to me. I mean, they’re alright, but they’re the last thing I want when I’m hungry for cheese crackers. Better Cheddars and Cheez-Its are the best. I can’t figure out why Pepperidge Farm can make such delicious cookies that are presented like they’re too fancy for you to be buying at a grocery store, but they can’t make tastier crackers.

    I’m not too fond of dollar store food, but I might check these out to see if they’re like Quackers. I know it was mentioned before, but Nabisco needs to get their shit together and bring back Quackers!

  13. Quackers!!! I remember eating them with PB&J sandwiches while watching mac and me or CLoak and Dagger or some other stuff we had taped off of hbo

  14. This is a case where I like the concept and the creative and well-done fish shapes, but wouldn’t be buying it for myself. I don’t like cheese crackers. Not even the Goldfish. The only Pepperidge Farm crackers I’ll eat are the pretzel versions.

  15. Matt, what’s your opinion of Goldfish “Puffs”? I saw them tonight in Buffalo Wing flavor. It seemed like a case of trying to shoehorn too many ideas into one snack.

    Incidentally, the “Nabisco…” with the little chime at the end of the TV ads always reminded me of the “And that’s One to Grown On!” sign-off from those Saturday morning PSA’s.

  16. Damn, now I gots to hit up Dollar Tree Saturday morning.

  17. Because of the smell dollar stores have (you know what I mean) I usually equate dollar store food to poison. :) However these do look quite edible and respect they went with six different shapes instead of a slightly modified goldfish shape.

  18. Going to the Outer Banks Saturday. Now I’m gonna go with 2 bags of these!

  19. Hey Matt, What about O Grady’s potato chips?
    Au Gratin were the best.

  20. I wish goldfish were still sold in huge cartons. Now what we need is halloween themed cheese crackers. JohnV- Most food is poison or contains toxins now lol.

  21. I used to feed Curley fries to the Wildwood gulls in my youth. Fuckers would eat them right out of your hand.

  22. sour cream and onion quackers is something in ever knew i needed until now. because i never knew they existed. but damn they sound good.

    i’m starving and goldfish are my favorite snack so reading this post right now was a bad idea.

  23. The question is “Do Ocean Creatures come in sour cream and onion?”

    Because while cheese Quackers were good, my favourite were the sour cream and onion variety. Either way, I’ll keep and eye out for these next time I find myself at Dollar Tree.

  24. If you like kiddy cheese cracker snacks, target has “chickadees” which are friggin’ delicious. And somehow, not sea life.

  25. I live across from a Dollar Tree. Will be finding these once they open.

    Also Quackers rule! :D Went perfectly with that soup they used to make where all the noodles were shaped like alligators!

  26. @Nacho: this is true. :)

  27. Plain and Pretzel Goldfish > All other types.

    Maybe I’ll try to get some of these. I always like when knock offs are just as, if not better, that the original.

  28. Is it just me, or are the thumbnail images for the “Related Posts” just generic clipart?

  29. There is a Dollar Tree so close to my house that I would measure the distance in feet. This is going to be glorious.

  30. They are indeed generic clipart, wonder why.

  31. Aw man, got these last night and damn they are as dangerously good as Matt says. A perfect summertime treat. I’m getting more to eat for when I go down the shore next weekend. All the seagulls will want to be friends with me!

  32. I don’t think I ever had the chance to eat Quackers. :( But, this is totally reminding me of these sesame flavored crackers I used to eat when I was little, and they were shaped like Seahorses! Not sure if they had other shapes or not, but I think they did. The thing is, I cannot find what the hell they were called to save my life. *sigh* Those were so good.

  33. @Matt: Didn’t see your comment until now, but you were so damn close to being right. Last night, my friend and I were driving to our new office, and we happened to pass by a Dollar Tree. I lobbied for a stop to pick up the crackers, but my feverishly enthusiastic (and therefore half-coherent) request was left ungranted. Still, given that it is so close to where I will be spending some time now, I’ll have to check. Cheese-flavored whales may indeed be in my future.

    Hmm. Now that last sentence is something I never thought I’d write.

  34. @Pirate John: Haaa, you’ll find them.

    Also, the era of abstract stock images for the related posts is happily over. (Plugin problems, now solved.)

  35. Believe it or not, there are stores already selling Halloween candy.

  36. KingJLA= That’s cause they want to sell all the Halloween stuff they can, before they star selling the Christmas stuff in September. Once, me and my grandpa actually saw Christmas trees for sale at K-Mart in August. The Back-2school sales had only started.

  37. My inlaws bought some shark crackers awhile back but I’ll dammed if I can remember the brand, but they were amazing. I thought they might be made by Annie’s, but they only have cheese bunnies.

    Also: Cheese Nips > Cheez-Its

  38. Truthfully, the only kind of snacks I like with cheese is either Doritos or Combos. Goldfish and the like just tasted like gross cheese. But looking at the shapes, this would have been a good tie in with that movie Sharknado. They could have made a killing (no pun intended).

  39. I’ve already seen Christmas stuff recently. Including Christmas tree displays. We’re talking ten or more aisles devoted exclusively to Christmas. To be fair, they were at arts and crafts stores, which tend to get the holiday stuff out way too early.

    As for more normal stores, it’s pretty common for them to start selling holiday stuff early enough for people to complain/make observations about how it’s too early.

  40. @Nacho: Pretty sure they still sell Goldfish in those huge cardboard cartons. You might wanna check Target. They have a large section of the cracker aisle devoted to just Goldfish. Based on the taste of regular Goldfish, I can’t understand why.

  41. YESSSSS! After more than four months, I have a computer. So excited to come here and see animal shaped dollar store crackers and so overwhelmed at how much I get to read to catch up. Missed you all!

  42. I actually saw those big cartons of Goldfish earlier today. So, yeah. They still make ‘em. I also noticed two new Oreos flavors: Berry Burst and Strawberry.

  43. “I’m about to show my age here…” Seriously? SERIOUSLY? : )

  44. When I first saw this, I thought, “Matt’s already written about these.” Then I thought, “Wait, no…that was those Whales crackers.” Then I went to try to find the article you wrote about Whales crackers and couldn’t find it…am I wrong?

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