Ocean Creatures Crackers!

The real world kept me from Dino Drac for a week, and now I’m all rusty. I have longer posts waiting to be written, but today calls for something breezy and brainless.

How about cheese crackers shaped like squid?

Ocean Creatures! I found them at Dollar Tree, and was immediately enamored with the concept, the sea life shapes, and the fact that it was all promised to taste like delicious phony cheese.

They’re obviously inspired by Pepperidge Farm Goldfish, which is literally the only food on the planet that I’d be willing to eat exclusively for the rest of my life. I love those fish. Choosing between the Parmesan and Cheddar flavors is my own personal version of the Judgment of Solomon. I’m not sure what I mean by that.

There must be a hundred different Goldfish ripoffs out there, and you know they’re ripoffs, because even with the thousands of animals begging to be immortalized as fun-shaped cheese crackers, these companies always pick some kind of fish.

So why am I covering Ocean Creatures instead of some other borderline-bootlegger? Because they picked six different fish, dummy.

(Okay, three fish, a marine mammal, a cephalopod and an echinoderm. But this is a case where clarifying only makes things better.)

Guys, they’re dangerously good. I’m about to show my age here, but do any of you remember Quackers? They were variously-flavored duck shaped crackers, which ruled my world in the mid ‘80s. Here’s the commercial, if you need a refresher.

When Quackers went away, I was devastated. They were delicious, and there was nothing else on the market quite like them.

At least, not until now. These Ocean Creatures are the spiritual descendants of Quackers, with the same level of grease and crunch. Thank heavens. Now when I reminisce about the time I fed Quackers to seagulls on the Wildwood beach, it won’t be as bittersweet.

(As a kid, I thought feeding birds to birds was outrageously hysterical.)

I mentioned that they’re dangerous. THEY ARE. You won’t settle for a handful of Ocean Creatures. You just won’t. You’re going to eat Ocean Creatures until you have no more Ocean Creatures to eat. So I guess the trick is making sure that you only stock them in short supply? Otherwise you’ll eat six pounds of cheesy starfish, and unless you’re trying to reach the next boxing class, no good can come of that.

The animal shapes are fantastic. Not a dud in the whole batch.

I was most excited about the squid, because under typical circumstances, squid-shaped crackers taste like real squid. Uncultured swine that I am, I can’t say that I’ve ever been down with squid-flavored squid.

I’m also digging how they gave us two distinct types of sharks. Sure, you could argue that the second shark is a completely different fish, but if you’re that sort of dream-crusher, I must wonder why you read such a bright and happy website. I bet you used to watch Lost just so you could complain about it afterward.

I have too much loyalty to Pepperidge Farm to ever name another fish-shaped cracker “#1,” but these come super close. They’re oily cheddar fuckers that let me play Jacques Cousteau whenever I’m hungry. My French accent sounds even better when my mouth is full of crackers.

  • drew do

    They are indeed generic clipart, wonder why.

  • Jeremy

    Aw man, got these last night and damn they are as dangerously good as Matt says. A perfect summertime treat. I’m getting more to eat for when I go down the shore next weekend. All the seagulls will want to be friends with me!

  • Ryane

    I don’t think I ever had the chance to eat Quackers. :( But, this is totally reminding me of these sesame flavored crackers I used to eat when I was little, and they were shaped like Seahorses! Not sure if they had other shapes or not, but I think they did. The thing is, I cannot find what the hell they were called to save my life. *sigh* Those were so good.

  • Pirate John

    @Matt: Didn’t see your comment until now, but you were so damn close to being right. Last night, my friend and I were driving to our new office, and we happened to pass by a Dollar Tree. I lobbied for a stop to pick up the crackers, but my feverishly enthusiastic (and therefore half-coherent) request was left ungranted. Still, given that it is so close to where I will be spending some time now, I’ll have to check. Cheese-flavored whales may indeed be in my future.

    Hmm. Now that last sentence is something I never thought I’d write.

  • Matt

    @Pirate John: Haaa, you’ll find them.

    Also, the era of abstract stock images for the related posts is happily over. (Plugin problems, now solved.)

  • King JLA

    Believe it or not, there are stores already selling Halloween candy.

  • Lonestar76

    KingJLA= That’s cause they want to sell all the Halloween stuff they can, before they star selling the Christmas stuff in September. Once, me and my grandpa actually saw Christmas trees for sale at K-Mart in August. The Back-2school sales had only started.

  • IHAQ

    My inlaws bought some shark crackers awhile back but I’ll dammed if I can remember the brand, but they were amazing. I thought they might be made by Annie’s, but they only have cheese bunnies.

    Also: Cheese Nips > Cheez-Its

  • http://twitter.com/berdorules Berdo Rules!

    Truthfully, the only kind of snacks I like with cheese is either Doritos or Combos. Goldfish and the like just tasted like gross cheese. But looking at the shapes, this would have been a good tie in with that movie Sharknado. They could have made a killing (no pun intended).

  • Astro Cheetah

    I’ve already seen Christmas stuff recently. Including Christmas tree displays. We’re talking ten or more aisles devoted exclusively to Christmas. To be fair, they were at arts and crafts stores, which tend to get the holiday stuff out way too early.

    As for more normal stores, it’s pretty common for them to start selling holiday stuff early enough for people to complain/make observations about how it’s too early.

  • Space Tiger

    @Nacho: Pretty sure they still sell Goldfish in those huge cardboard cartons. You might wanna check Target. They have a large section of the cracker aisle devoted to just Goldfish. Based on the taste of regular Goldfish, I can’t understand why.

  • http://thepilver.wordpress.com kb

    YESSSSS! After more than four months, I have a computer. So excited to come here and see animal shaped dollar store crackers and so overwhelmed at how much I get to read to catch up. Missed you all!

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  • Space Tiger

    I actually saw those big cartons of Goldfish earlier today. So, yeah. They still make ‘em. I also noticed two new Oreos flavors: Berry Burst and Strawberry.

  • Emily

    “I’m about to show my age here…” Seriously? SERIOUSLY? : )

  • http://www.facebook.com/therealteddyray Teddy Ray

    When I first saw this, I thought, “Matt’s already written about these.” Then I thought, “Wait, no…that was those Whales crackers.” Then I went to try to find the article you wrote about Whales crackers and couldn’t find it…am I wrong?