Dinosaur Dracula!

2017’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 1!

We judge each Halloween season on the strength of its junk food. That’s just how we roll. Lots of interesting new candies? Great season. Nothing worth taking pictures of in Target? Bad season.

So how is 2017 looking so far? Pretty good! Sure, we don’t have the knockout punch of a Frute Brute or a Halloween Whopper, but I think we’re making up for it in sheer volume.

Below are five of this year’s hottest Halloween junk foods. (And keep in mind, I’ve already purchased enough sugary garbage to add two more chapters to this series.)


Pillsbury Grands Pumpkin Spice Rolls!
Found at: ShopRite

These actually debuted in 2015, but I never had access to them before this year.

Pillsbury Grands Pumpkin Spice Rolls are autumnal spins on cinnamon rolls. A less valiant effort would’ve limited the fall flavor to the icing, but here it’s also in the dough, which is orangey in color and distinctly “pumpkin spicy” in flavor.

They’re ridiculously good, and ridiculously LARGE. I can’t believe that the rolls are “only” 300 calories, since each one is practically the size of a baseball glove. They look like giant land crabs and you need five hands to eat them properly.

GRADE: A+. I can’t think of another make-at-home Halloween treat that’s this decadent. There’s also the matter of the smell, which is capable of making you “float to the pie” like you’re in an old Goofy cartoon. Read More…

Junk Food of the Gods, Part 4!

The Junk Food of the Gods series was last seen in July, before taking an extended break for the holidays. Now it’s back and it’s tanned and it can handle anything you want to throw at it.

Below: Five of the most interesting junk foods currently on the market. Most of them will only be around for a limited time, so if you know you’re gonna wanna binge on super-green Lucky Charms or pasta shaped like Darth Vader, delaying is dumb.

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Hostess Dark Chocolate Raspberry Cupcakes!

Mixed feelings on these special Valentine’s Day cupcakes. They taste exactly as I assume they were intended to, uncannily reminiscent of those raspberry-filled chocolates you’d find dotted across a heart-shaped box.

Problem is, those are my absolute least favorite chocolates from those boxes. They’re like fucking landmines. I understand that millions of people love those particular chocolates, but to me they’re only to be eaten on double dares when there’s money involved.

That Hostess so perfectly mimicked a classic Valentine’s Day candy isn’t something I feel right in classifying as a “con.” Instead I’ll just say that these aren’t for me. If Hostess did anything objectively wrong, it was the false promise of cupcake creme that resembled psychomagnotheric slime. Read More…

2015’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 1!

I’ll say it again: This is a banner year for spooky junk food. Never before have I seen so much of it, and for those who sustain their spirits through creepy-looking chocolate, 2015 is freakin’ amazing.

Below are five scary things that you can eat and drink this year, mixing new commodities with some older favorites. If these don’t put you in a Halloween mood, you have better muscle tone than me.

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Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M’s!

Larger and lumpier than regular M&M’s, I was a little confused when I first bit into one, as its flavor profile seemed unchanged from the norm. Then came the aftertaste. WOW. If we can assume that these were meant to mimic Starbucks’ famous autumnal offering, it’s a dead-on match.

Many pumpkin spice candies seem like they’re only in it for the novelty factor, with companies spying the movement and thinking, “Yes, yes… we can do this too.” By comparison, these come off as an honest attempt to make something delicious. The flavor is sharp and complex, and almost incongruously extravagant for M&M’s. They’re the fanciest M&M’s I’ve ever tasted! Read More…

Junk Food of the Gods, Part 3!

I’m back with the third edition of Junk Food of the Gods, the series in which I raid supermarkets for neon slop that likely won’t be around for very long. Of course, when I put it that way, I’m not sure why I do this.

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Key Lime Pie Oreo Cookies!

With still another month to go before people trade their swimsuits for funeral attire, Nabisco’s tossed us yet another summer-specific Oreo flavor: Key Lime Pie.

I’m not sure that there’s ever been an Oreo with such a pungent odor before. These cookies reek. Depending on your point of view, they either smell exactly like key lime pie or exactly like dollar store tile cleaner.

Fortunately, the flavor is more subdued. I’d hesitate to call it “subtle” because my first thought upon biting one was “LIME” in all caps, but still, compared to the smell, they’re practically dull.

I honestly don’t know what a key lime pie is supposed to taste like, but for my money, this is lime green Jell-O as Oreo creme filling. Not bad, but not one of my favorites. Read More…

Junk Food of the Gods, Part 2!

I’m back with the second edition of Junk Food of the Gods, featuring more salty trash. Most of these things will only be around for a couple of months, so if they interest you, do not delay. You can be healthy later. Ice cream named after dinosaurs needs your attention now.

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Jurassic Smash Blizzard!

To celebrate Jurassic World, Dairy Queen has blessed us with the Jurassic Smash Blizzard, which blends ice cream with peanut butter cookies and chocolate chip cookie dough. Good luck finding a foodstuff with a more horrible nutritional profile. The only way this could be worse is if the cup was forged from foie gras.

Course, nobody buys a head-sized cup of ice cream expecting health food, and this Blizzard is seriously delicious. (Also, since the ingredients do not in any way correlate with dinosaurs, Dairy Queen was nice enough to stuff them inside official Jurassic World cups.)

I’ve always been a sucker for these here-and-gone promotions. Crossing state lines to find a Dairy Queen was a modest price for my newfound ability to say, “Oh yeah, I had a Jurassic Smash Blizzard. I ATE that.” It ain’t worth much now, but give it five years. Read More…

Junk Food of the Gods, Part 1.

I’m not sure if junk food has ever been as interesting as it is at this very moment. Everywhere I turn, I’m deluged by multicolored artificial things that work in sickly sweet pseudo-sugars the way Sirens work in song. It’s great!

Below are five new or newish junk foods that struck me as being just interesting enough to buy, eat, photograph and write about on a 450 degree Tuesday afternoon. Enjoy, however vicariously.

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Cotton Candy Oreo Cookies!

I think we’re past the point of thinking that every wacky new Oreo flavor is a major event.

Okay, I’m lying. Of course Cotton Candy Oreos are a major event. Jesus, this is huge!

What I love most is how Nabisco perfectly encapsulated “summer” without ever using the word. I look at these, and all I can think about are swimming pools and ice cream trucks and Roman candles. The sun shines brighter, or maybe that’s just the blazing yellow cookie bag.

The two-tone icing looks like the background in half of my grade school photos, too. Another plus.

I don’t know how Nabisco pulled it off, but the cookies really do share a smell and flavor with cotton candy. It’s a dead-on match. Even has that lingering cotton candy aftertaste. (You know, the kind that’s still in your mouth five hours later, when you’re eating chicken and potatoes? That uh… that might not be a plus.)

Recommended? Yes. Cotton candy is already kinda space food, but if it wasn’t, this would be cotton candy space food. Read More…