It’s Saturday morning! Your favorite part of the whole week!
You wake up bright and early. Earlier than everyone else in the house, that’s for sure.
The skies are dim and grey, and there isn’t a peep in the whole neighborhood. You wish it would stay like this forever. Just picture it. An endless Saturday morning, where the only thing to do is nothing at all.
But do you seriously still sleep with a Glo Worm? Your secret is safe with the world.
Since everyone else is still snoring, you make yourself breakfast. You’re not a very good cook, but you do your best.
Countless movies have made you cherish the “bacon and eggs face,” but yours didn’t come out quite right. Yours seems pretty upset about something.
Bet it’s because you burned the bacon. Dude, you’re supposed to cook that on medium heat. Say it with me. ME-DI-UM.
It takes you all of five minutes to completely trash the living room. Hey, that’s what Saturday mornings are for.
You become an indoor whirlwind, frantically hopping from one hobby to the next. Toys! Video games! Crayons! Doritos! Because you burned the bacon and the eggs were practically raw!
Okay, so why did you name your hamster “Lucifer?” Come on, there’s no such thing as an evil hamster. Even the most vicious hamsters still look adorable. You were just being a jackass with that name.
You let Lucifer get a little exercise. You’ve heard all about what happens to hamsters when they don’t get enough of it. Legs flake out like they’ve got living rigor mortis.
Then, of course, are the Saturday morning cartoons. They’re the reason for the season. The very framework that allows Saturday mornings to take shape!
You watch Garfield and Friends. You hope it’s the episode with the singing ants, but it so isn’t. On the plus side, Binky makes an appearance. You give the episode a solid B+.
But you don’t pay very close attention to the television, because you’re too absorbed in the World of Crayola. Saturday morning is truly the best time to mess with crayons.
You color all of the things that matter to you, like robots and ghosts, and swirly little yellow things that may represent some sort of dinner roll. Only you know for sure. You’re not telling.
Crayons and blasphemous hamsters are great, but after a while, it always comes back to the video games.
You have a Super Nintendo, also known as the SNES. You were never really sure how to say that aloud. Is it “S-N-E-S,” or simply “snes,” like a real word? The worst part is knowing that you must’ve heard it spoken like ten trillion times by now. How could you possibly not know this?
You throw in the ol’ Street Fighter II cartridge. For some reason, the normal game has been overwritten with a much “tidier” version, distributed by the Classic Games Arcade. This time, you start as Ryu and battle Sagat. God knows what happens after that, because there’s just no fucking way to beat him.
Your Sagat-related frustrations are quieted by a knock on the door. It’s a little early for company, so maybe it’s a robber or something. Ever the optimist, you look for a bat to grab. Then you remember that you play no sports and thus own no bats.
You take a white crayon instead. You’ve never used it, so it’s still pretty sharp.
Silly you. It’s just your buddy, Dinosaur Dracula! I guess the usual “vampire sun rules” don’t apply to him?
“Hey YOUR NAME HERE,” Dino Drac roars. “Wanna go to the movies?”
Of course you do!