Making new action figures out of broken ones.

A few weeks ago, I bought this:

It’s a bag of assorted action figure accessories, plus a few broken figures.

I found it at a toy & collectible shop that had a little bit of everything, from vintage Masters of the Universe figures to cartoon-themed lunch boxes. In stores like that, I can generally only afford the Ziploc bags full of literal garbage.

Ten dollars and twenty miles later, I was back home.

Searching through the loot, nothing struck me as being particularly rare or valuable. It looked like the same shit I see whenever I have to unclog the vacuum cleaner. I don’t know why I bought this bag.

Determined to make lemonade out of plastic swords and Wolverine heads, I grabbed my glue gun. I probably hadn’t used the thing since 1997. It looked disgusting and was disgusting, but it was still capable of dispensing hot goo.

My mission: Use these assorted parts to build all-new action figures. I’d be like Sid from Toy Story, but the nice guy version.

It was easier said than done. Most of the things in that bag were straight-up weapons, from guns to clubs to spears. There were only a few heads, and even less in the way of arms or legs.

I wouldn’t have been able to make even one complete “person” using all of the parts in the bag. I needed to improvise, big time. Here are the results:

Smithereen is a barbarian, but a good-natured one. Jumping between trees to fish insects out of the bark, Smithereen seems uncouth, but only by your standards.

Barely surviving a brutal attack by rival gangsters, Tommy Tombstone is now more machine than man, and more monster than machine.

This creepy caporegime — and former WCW champion — now seeks revenge on every mobster who wanted him dead.

Thygap is a walking war machine. Ask him and he’ll say the same.

With his heroic and evil heads battling for dominance, Thygap’s loyalties are wildly inconsistent, making him a risky ally. Still, since his legs are actually giant guns, heroes and villains alike are willing to roll the dice.

Polaridactyl wanted to fly so damn badly that she agreed to the most invasive surgery ever.

Beauty became beast, and now Polaridactyl communicates through squawks. She is an unfocused yet dangerous warrior, with a penetrating gaze and lime green eyebrows.

So now you’ve met the crew. Smithereen, Tommy Tombstone, Thygap and Polaridactyl. I’d like to thank them for justifying my frivolous purchase.