He may have turned up in a photo before, but I think it’s time for you to officially meet Carlo.
Carlo is great. He’s great for way more than five reasons, but I’m on a tight time budget.
Actually, just going by the photo above, I’m sure you could dream up more than twenty reasons why Carlo’s so great. It’s no tall order. Only the worst cynics, the jerks who are contrary just for the sake of it, wouldn’t be able to.
Reason #1: Carlo, in a Nutshell.
This is a zombie head on a bare skeleton, with a big, removable loaf of viscera shoved into the ribcage. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts, and that’s amazing to say when you’re dealing with parts like bone feet and removable viscera.
It’s a safe bet that Carlo’s creator stumbled upon this formula by accident or happenstance. Nothing this tremendous has ever happened on purpose.
Reason #2: Carlo’s Head.
Where do I start?
I’m not even sure that “zombie” is adequate. At the very least, it’s zombie with an asterisk.
The sneaky green snake indicates a level of festering typically associated with zombies, but Carlo has open wounds, filled with what looks like fresh, live blood. That snake seems even creepier when it’s navigating the face of someone who is still alive.
Check out those teeth! There are clearly vampire fangs in Carlo’s mouth. On top of everything else, Carlo is a vampire! A vampire zombie with a skeleton body, with eyebrows too much like Gene Shalit’s for it to be a coincidence.
EDIT: Okay, so they’re probably werewolf fangs, not vampire fangs. Fine. I’m okay with that. Zombie werewolves are even cooler.
Reason #3: Carlo’s Removable, Squeaking Viscera.
When you can best summarize something by saying “it has removable viscera,” that something is always worth buying. Doing perfection one better, this gob of guts is actually a squeak toy. Makes the same stupid noise that any rubber pork chop would.
Squeaking viscera. The name of my next band. The thing that happens whenever Nelson Frazier sees a big ugly spider.
It’s incredible, and if I wasn’t already devoting the next reason to this same loaf of viscera, I’d continue the praise for ten more paragraphs.
Reason #4: Carlo’s Viscera Looks Like an Expensive Car.
Oh, come on. I know you’re seeing it, too. It’s totally a Corvette.
Thank God for photos. I’d never make it through this without them.
“K, I have this thing. It’s kind of a skeleton. But with a vampire zombie head. It has removable viscera. The viscera looks like a Corvette.”
It just doesn’t work without the pictures.
Before I publish this, I’m Tweeting that description. Let’s see what happens.
Well, nobody’s responded so far. Of course they haven’t. You need photos to make something like this work. That’s my point, here. Photography is almost as great as Carlo.
Reason #5: Carlo Has a Girlfriend.
Her name is, I dunno, Trudy. Let’s say Trudy.
Trudy has the same skeleton body and the same squeaking viscera, but her head is something new and different. Kind of a pirate/witch deal, with a black rat futzing around in her eye sockets.
I’m taking the girly headgear to mean that she’s female, but I’m not 100% on it.
The fact that Carlo found his soul mate is crazy enough, but that she’s a member of his own species is just wild in every possible good way. I’m happy that Carlo has someone to spend the holidays with, even if he constantly takes Trudy for granted.
The truth is, nobody wants to feel like they’re settling. Not you, not me, not even Carlo. But when your SO has a rat running through her eye sockets, you kinda know that you’re settling.
But hey, Carlo? Look in the mirror. A snake is eating your cheeks. You look like a 400-year-old Eddie Vedder. All things being equal, Trudy’s a catch.
Wondering where I found Carlo and Trudy?
So am I.
They just appeared in one of my boxes of junk, as if by magic. I have a pretty good memory, and I’m fairly certain that I would remember purchasing skeleton figures with zombie heads and squeaking guts.
Somehow, I don’t.
I prefer to think that it was their choice to join me. Maybe they heard about the awesome popcorn I make, with the Old Bay seasoning. The trick is spraying the popcorn with seven ounces of Pam before sprinkling the Old Bay on top.
I won’t tell Carlo that, though. If he knew the secret, he might take his show on the road.
I like my life better with Carlo and Trudy in it.