Doritos Jacked 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack tortilla snacks isn’t something I want to type twice, but my God are they delicious.
Some are heralding them as the return of 3D Doritos — that being the colloquial title of those airy Dorito “shells” that were all the rage over a decade ago. (And which are apparently still available in Mexico.) These new guys are part of the same 3D family, but I’d only consider them the most distant of cousins.
I discovered them in a hotel room last weekend, where a mix of tequila and more tequila dulled any reservations I might’ve had about devouring eight servings of crunchy shit in just under five minutes. No regrets. They’re DELICIOUS.
The snacks live up to their 3D promise by looking like little marble mazes. The shape might also make a nice insignia for any mercenary teams of mutant snakes in need of breastplate symbols.
The visual appeal is something, but I wouldn’t be writing this if they didn’t taste very good. People, they are amazing. Like really spicy Corn Nuts, but with the crunch of disfigured Fritos. (You know how some Fritos are extra curly? Or how sometimes two Fritos merge into one double-thick Super Frito? That’s what the crunch is like.)
Because Doritos Jacked 3D are so severely “modeled,” eating them brings such a wonderful sense of destruction, too. Like you’re demolishing storied structures with every bite. You’re practically proud of your teeth when you eat them. You’re an omnivorous kaiju, and your giant kaiju tongue is on fucking fire.
If pressed, I’d have to admit that these are even better than the original 3D Doritos. I don’t expect such weird snacks to last forever, but I definitely expect everyone who eats them now to continue talking about them long after Frito-Lay cancels their asses. In fifteen years, just throwing a photo of them on Twitter Version 75 will get you ten new followers and lots of phony camaraderie.
It’s weird to say because I can drive to Target right now and buy as many bags as I want, but I already see Doritos Jacked 3D as the stuff of legend.
If you’ve already tried them and disagree with this assessment, all I can tell you is that mouths are different, and ours clearly aren’t on the same wavelength. To me, this is junk food done perfectly. Little cheesy super-spiced Star Destroyers. Give me a break, that’s great.