Fake Gazpacho Recipe.

Gazpacho is a cold vegetable soup, something like tomato soup, but even more like chopped vegetables with tomato juice thrown on top. At least, the best kinds are.

Here’s how to make a super easy and quick gazpacho, though it comes with the admission that this technically isn’t gazpacho at all. But I am so not going to miss a chance to type “gazpacho” two dozen times. It is FUN.

First, buy prepared mirepoix from your local grocer. Mirepoix is chopped celery, onions and carrots, normally used as a base ingredient for stocks and stews. I see it at stores fairly regularly these days, so I do not feel out of bounds in my assumption that every grocery store in every city in every country has it for sale.

Course, if yours doesn’t, it’s not hard to buy the vegetables and chop them yourself. If you do, feel free to add others. Cucumber might be nice, because real gazpacho is never without it. In fact, the lack of cucumber here is my precise reason for qualifying this as “fake” gazpacho.

Gazpacho word count: 6.

Next, pour some V8 (or straight up tomato juice, if preferred) straight into the package. I’ve dealt with mirepoix containers in many shapes and sizes, and this pour-the-V8 thing has worked fine every time.

Your goal isn’t to make the vegetables “swim.” You just want to plug all of the gaps with V8. This is an extremely easy step; the only way to make it difficult is by trying to photograph the process while performing it.

Gazpacho usually has some kick to it, so add Tabasco sauce. If you like your food very spicy, add a lot of Tabasco sauce. Then add a fuckton of pepper, and maybe half-a-fuckton of salt. (V8 is practically saltwater as is, but you’re going to need more if you don’t want this to just taste like wet vegetables.)

Seal the container, shake it up, give everything a good mixing, and serve. Voila, you’re done. I like to serve my fake gazpacho in stemless martini glasses, mainly because I hate drinking martinis out of stemless martini glasses, and when else will I have the chance to use them?

Top it with a bit more V8, and for visual impact, add a little more pepper. It is delicious. No joke. I know it’s another case of me bringing up “tomato juice” without considering how polarizing it is, but if you try this and do not like it, you are dumb and I hate you.

PS: Eat it with a fork. You can use a spoon, but it’s more fun to stab the vegetables. When there’s nothing left but liquid, drink it. Depending on the amount of Tabasco sauce, this recipe will range from “spicy” to “PAIN I CAN’T IGNORE, I WILL NOW LOOK UP CURES FOR FIRE DEATH ONLINE, OH HERE, THEY SAY TO EAT DAIRY, NOW I WILL EAT A WHOLE BRICK OF SOFT CHEESE.” It’s better to fall somewhere in the middle, but since that’s subjective, it’s up to you to know your threshold.

Tomorrow on Dinosaur Dracula: #2 Pencils, and how to keep the lead from smearing.