Tonight we’re gonna look at eight fictitious foods from movies and television that I really, really want to eat.
If I’m ever condemned, my last meal request will include three fish biscuits and a tall glass of whatever that shit was that they drank in Death Becomes Her.
#1: Luke’s Rations!
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Not long after crash-landing on Dagobah, Luke Skywalker picks through some weird tackle box filled with alien space food. These ration kits were probably standard-issue for all Rebel troops, and one look at that delicious little smorgasbord goes a long way in explaining their loyalty to the cause.
We don’t get a great view of what’s inside, because a tight inspection might’ve betrayed the food’s earthly origins. From what I can see, it looks like pretzel rods, some high-end Pepperidge Farm snacks, Tic Tacs, sugar cubes, and those things you feed to donkeys at the zoo. I would gladly die for Rebel Alliance if it meant getting a compartmentalized boxful of vending machine crap.
#2: Romulan Ale!
Star Trek (various years)
I’m no Trekkie, but I’ve long loved Romulan Ale, a very blue and very alcoholic beverage that can make even the most awkward cross-species summits go off without a hitch.
While debuting in the Star Trek universe much earlier, I wasn’t aware of Romulan Ale until seeing The Undiscovered Country in theaters. (Considering that it was commented on by Christopher Plummer dressed as Silly Putty, that scene is hard to forget!)
In shades of blue that vary depending on its vintage, I always envisioned Romulan Ale tasting like Berry Blue Kool-Aid. (This may explain my almost absurd fondness for that flavor.)
#3: Dehydrated Pizza Hut Pizza!
Back to the Future Part II (1989)
The 2015 of Back to the Future Part II trumps our own for two important reasons. The first, obviously, is Jaws 19.
The other? Official Pizza Hut brand pizza, dehydrated and adorably miniaturized, served in swank foil packets. After rehydrating it — and yes there was an official Black & Decker kitchen appliance for that — the pizza expands to its full size, toppings and all.
The technology was wonderful, but I’m really in it for those foil packets. So cool!
#4: Potion of Eternal Life!
Death Becomes Her (1992)
In Death Becomes Her — one of my favorite movies — a ludicrously expensive potion stops a person’s aging “dead in its tracks,” but also reverses it, making perfectly pretty people out of all of the weathered vainsters rich enough to pony up.
Of course, the effects come with a price, and I don’t mean the fat check. The potion makes you live forever, no matter how many times you get mangled via shotgun blasts or long falls down the stairs. As we learn in the movie’s climax, even decapitation isn’t enough to kill you.
The dream becomes a nightmare for Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn, but hey, at least they got to drink an amazingly cool potion that glowed like a firefly’s ass. To hell with the living forever — I’d buy this stuff sheerly because it looks like electronic strawberry juice.
#5: DHARMA Fish Biscuits!
These biscuits were one of the “prizes” offered to Sawyer when he was stuck in that cage on Hydra Island. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m afraid to say that it’s gonna stay that way, because trying to summarize even a single plot thread of Lost in one paragraph has turned good men mad.
Meant for animals but apparently nutritious enough to feed humans — or at least humans that you’re intentionally spiting with bear food — I’m kind of obsessed with knowing what they taste like. As someone who grew up thinking that dog treats really didn’t look so bad, DHARMA Fish Biscuits seem right up my alley.
(Since so many recipes for fish biscuit facsimiles exist online, I’m proud to say that I’m not alone in this quirk.)
#6: The Flaming Moe!
The Simpsons (1991)
I know it’s been mimicked by real life bartenders — even in official capacities — but I just couldn’t leave the Flaming Moe off this list. Debuting back when The Simpsons was still a focal point of my personal religion, the flaming cocktail turned Moe’s Tavern into Springfield’s biggest hot spot.
Of course, Moe stole the recipe from Homer, who’d previously clued us in about the Flaming Moe née Homer’s secret ingredient: Cough syrup.
Regally purple and delightfully flammable, I grew up thinking it would taste like a spicy grape Fla-Vor-Ice. Now in my old age, my current guess is something closer to Jagermeister. (Perhaps this is why I’m literally the only person I know who doesn’t throw tomatoes whenever Jagermeister is suggested.)
#7: The Stuff!
The Stuff (1985)
The Stuff was a horror movie about a delicious, addictive white goo, sold as a sort of neo ice cream. If you ignored the fact that said goo was actually a parasite that ate people from the inside out, it was hard not to want a sample.
I imagine it would’ve tasted like Marshmallow Fluff, but specifically Marshmallow Fluff with the machine behind it. You know, Fluff with TV commercials and radio ads and sweepstakes for free trips to Spain. Fluff with some abstract feeling of cultural camaraderie.
#8: Energon Cubes!
Energon was technically more of a fuel than a food, but I’ve seen Transformers drink it like a beverage plenty of times. I think it qualifies.
Most often distributed in translucent cubes that were oddly birthed from Soundwave’s chest, the glowing, neon “drink” looked like the lovechild of pink lemonade and radioactive waste. If you’re my age, there’s no way you’ve never dreamed of downing some energon.
I hope I’ve made you hungry. Hungry, and strangely frustrated.
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