The RETURN of the SCARY MARY HOTLINE.

Uh oh!

It’s the return of Dinosaur Dracula’s…

SCARY MARY HOTLINE.

If you don’t know what this is about, I’d suggest reading this article from last year.

Or, if you don’t feel like clicking around, I’ll just repeat myself!

Back when pay-per-minute telephone hotlines were a huge deal, it seemed like every kid-targeted “thing” had one. Teen idols had them, musicians had them… hell, even cartoon characters had them. We gobbled them up! Needlessly protracted messages from our favorite stars may sound like a waste of money, but in a world with far fewer ways to kill a few minutes, they were pretty great. Stupid, but great.

The best of them — in my humble opinion — took us deep into the bowels of hell. There were TONS of horror hotlines in the ‘80s and ‘90s, featuring everyone from Freddy Krueger to Grandpa Munster to ghouls of a more generic sort. What made them special was that they weren’t just for hardcore fans. Kids who were typically petrified of “horror stuff” could test the waters, listening for as long as their nerves (or wallets) would allow.

Hotlines being what they were, keeping you on the phone for as long as possible was the goal. Sometimes, you’d have to wait for the end of the message to find out how you could win a free bicycle. Other times, your narrator just spoke very, very slowly. The only kids who listened to the entire messages were the ones who gave no fucks about what their parents would do when the bills came in. The rest of us hung up early, satisfied that we “talked” to Freddy Krueger for even one measly minute. What a story to tell at school!

It’s easy to make fun of those old hotlines. They were exploitative and goofy, and in 2014, it’s hard to imagine paying for such a “privilege.” Still, I have nothing but fondness for my own experiences. Those hotlines put unique stamps on otherwise boring days, and in the case of the horror hotlines, the thrill was more akin to a roller coaster — but one you could step off of whenever the going got rough.

…which leads me to the return of Dinosaur Dracula’s SCARY MARY HOTLINE!

I spent the day recording approximate replicas of the “horror hotline experience.” You guys seemed to like the 2013 version, and since I wasn’t sure if I could top it in quality, I decided to top it in quantity. Tonight, you can “dial” Dinosaur Dracula’s Scary Mary Hotline TWICE, for two wholly different stories that will amuse and shock you.

TURN THE LIGHTS OFF FIRST!

On your first call, you’ll hear all about evil witches who want to eat you, using pizza as bait!

On your second call, you wake up on an alien spaceship. How will you survive?!

Your two calls (“calls”) will be just as stupid as the ones I remember making as a kid, but if you can adopt the mindset of a nine-year-old, I think you’ll understand why they were so oddly enjoyable.

Two minutes of weird bullshit, and then a night spent remembering that bullshit as being ten times scarier than it actually was.

Just you try to go to sleep tonight, with those visions of pizza witches dancing in your heads.

Good luck, brother.