Dinosaur Dracula!

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 7!

Wow, has it really been nine months since the last installment of Six Snacks I Want Back? Time flies when you don’t feel like making giant GIFs, I guess.

Down below: Six more snacks from the ‘80s and ‘90s that I wouldn’t mind eating again. (Or, in two cases, for the first time. Watch enough internet strangers go bananas over old hot dogs, and eventually you’ll want them, too.)

Jolt Cola! (1980s)

I can’t remember the last time I saw the original Jolt Cola in stores. Rumors persist that it’s still available regionally, so if you have access to it, consider yourself blessed. I have such fond memories of sipping from those cans and bottles, and pretending that my cool-sounding novelty drink was as powerful as cocaine.

Jolt did boast twice the caffeine of most sodas, but kids ran with that ball to the point of farce, acting as if it caused uncontrollable fits of freneticism. Basically, we got to pull a Popeye without touching any spinach. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 6!

It’s time for another edition of Six Snacks I Want Back, celebrating the varied fuels of our long forgotten sugar rushes. Read and get hungry!

homer

 Butterfinger Ice Cream Nuggets! 

Remember when Bart turned us all into Butterfinger fans? Don’t get me wrong — I’m sure some folks already liked the bars, but I don’t recall seeing any of my friends with them before The Bart Era.

Personally, I never went for a Butterfinger until that ad campaign. The flavor, texture and infamous oiliness didn’t really appeal to me, but for a year or two in the early ‘90s, Butterfinger was the only candy bar that made you cooler by association.

I was, however, a tried and true fan of Butterfinger Ice Cream Nuggets — even if I still needed The Simpsons to act as the middlemen. These were like the kid-friendly versions of Nestle’s Bon Bons, and what’s more, they came in little tubs that resembled the curious offspring of movie theater popcorn buckets. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 5!

Welcome to the fifth edition of Six Snacks I Want Back, where I torment you by celebrating foods you can no longer eat!

Side bonus: Lots of heavy GIFs sure to aggravate the site’s mobile users!

use-sharks

 Chef Boyardee Sharks! 

Debuting somewhere around 1990, Sharks tasted exactly like everything else Chef Boyardee made, and still makes. So wanting Sharks back has nothing to do with its taste. No, this time, I’m just in it for the shapes.

The implications were dire and awesome. Cans full of sharks, swimming in what we could only take as the blood-dyed aftermaths of horrible feeding frenzies. When you ate Sharks, you yourself felt like one. Specifically, you felt like a whale shark testing the waters with larger prey. The pasta sharks went down whole. You didn’t have dermal denticles, but you sure as hell acted like you did. When lunch was over, your kitchen faded into a black screen. Then came the white words. Apparently, all of this shit was directed by Lucio Fulci.

According to the old commercial, the goal was to get each of the three pasta shapes into one spoonful. It’s debatable, but I believe the set included hammerheads, great whites and tiger sharks. That would make sense, as those are the only shark species ten-year-olds ever hear about. I didn’t know about spotted leopard sharks until I was like, 30. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 4!

It’s time for another edition of Six Snacks I Want Back, celebrating foods that can no longer be eaten without the aid of time machines or slipshod DIY recipes posted by liars on social media.

If you missed the three previous installments, check ‘em out over here.

oreo

 Oreo Big Stuf! 

These were so good. Take normal Oreo cookies, but multiply their size by five. Then individually wrap them, as if to subtly suggest that they’re kingly. Seriously, do it. I’ll pay you.

What I remember most about Oreo Big Stuf cookies was how impossible they seemed, even in their time, and even when I was holding one with my own two hands. They felt more like comically oversized movie props, or maybe those plastic cookie-shaped containers which for some reason are meant to hold Cheerios.

They never felt real. Eating one was like a lucid dream. Nabisco said as much in the promotional materials.

Okay, no they didn’t. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 3!

Continuing the series, here are yet another six snacks that I want back.

You’ll notice in this edition that I’m really stretching the definition of “snack.” Please do not continue reading if you’re unable to accept two pound pitas and alcoholic beverages as “snacks.”

giggles

 Giggles Cookies! 

Resembling Oreos but with a flavor closer to E.L. Fudge, Nabisco’s Giggles were absolutely blessed. Available during the last half of the ‘80s, this was one of the defining snacks of my childhood.

With two cookies hiding a layer of double-flavored, double-colored cream, the top of each Giggle was made to look like a smiling face. I cannot overstate the entertainment value of cream-filled smiling cookies to six-year-olds of the ‘80s. Holy shit.

Nearly as unforgettable as the cookies are its old TV commercials, which usually featured small children submitting to uncontrollable fits of laughter in response to their preferred snack. It was as if the Joker passed on Axis Chemicals in favor of Nabisco HQ. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 2!

I had so much fun writing Volume 1, I thought I’d dive right back in. Here are another six snacks that I want back, from chocolate-stuffed cookies to fries in juice boxes:

a-paws

 Cheetos Paws! 

Chee-tos Paws (they didn’t drop the hyphen until later) was perhaps the snack of the early ‘9os. Meant to represent Chester Cheetah’s paws, something about their shape allowed for the kind of cheese dust attraction seen in no other Chee-to before or since. In effect, they were the cheesiest of all Chee-tos.

But that was only part of it. Paw shaped Chee-tos were just fun to eat. My favorite way was to chomp the individual fingers first, saving the hideously mutilated cheetah hands as a sort of main course. Alternatively, I’d start by sucking all of the cheese dust off, and eat the paws only after they were entirely robbed of flavor. I might delete that confession when I proofread this.

Much of our affinity had to do with the marketing, too. Chee-tos Paws were pitched as being extraordinarily hip and not-at-all for adults, packed in blazingly lime green bags that only a minor could feel comfortable eating from. After all, this was the era of anti-adult kiddy advertising, where every new snack came with a disclaimer that you had to be 11 or under to truly understand it.

Even so, people of all ages loved Chee-tos Paws, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Frito-Lay gave ‘em another try someday. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 1!

Tonight is the first chapter in what I guess we could call my personal pantheon of shitty food. From the ‘80s and ‘90s, here are six snacks I want back:

a-pizza

 Pop Quiz Popcorn! 

Made in 1992, Pop Qwiz was my jam. Believing that kids would love popcorn even more if it came in ridiculous colors, this was Pop Secret’s attempt to turn junk food into SUPER junk food.

Each bag was filled with popcorn in a neon mystery color, and until you ripped ‘em open and narrowly avoided the killer steam, you didn’t know if you’d be eating something blue, red or purple. What fun!

The coloring didn’t affect the buttery taste — it was just in play to make us feel circussy. As I recall, Pop Qwiz’s only negative was that the small bags were very easy to overcook, leaving you with popcorn that was half blue and half unforgiving coal. Of course, since black, smoldering popcorn is one of life’s most covert delicacies, that never bothered me too much. Read More…