Kool-Aid Liquid Drink Mix!

I haven’t written about Kool-Aid in such a long time. It’s making me itch and scratch. Today is my remedy.

New Kool-Aid “Liquid” drink mixes are wonderfully convenient and wonderful in general. I treasure the protracted powder/sugar/water process, but the truth is, there isn’t always time for that. Sometimes, you want Kool-Aid without the associated science project. This is that chance.

Each bottle contains concentrated Kool-Aid drink mix. You know it’s concentrated because the label warns us to never drink it undiluted. I wonder what would happen if we did? Would there some Wonka-style form of retribution? Maybe we’d turn red, and our eyes would morph into upside down commas? I’ll let someone braver find out.

I understand that some of you are Kool-Aid purists. To some degree, so am I. But even without the powder, this is still a fun process. You’re supposed to shoot a “squeeze” of the mix into eight ounces of water, and when I say “shoot,” I mean it. The stuff comes out at light speed, evidenced by the fact that I needed to take more than 70 photos to get the two above. Only with the help of hideously expensive Energizer Lithium batteries was I able to gut through.

And as for that “squeeze?” That’s their term, not mine. Judging by the nutritional info, each serving is meant to be half a teaspoon. Of course, since there’s no way to control this frighteningly violent firing liquid, I hope you like your Kool-Aid strong.

You’re not supposed to add sugar, and the mix has none, either. At zero calories per serving, we may assume that it’s sweetened with something that gives lab rats heart palpitations. A small price to pay for Kool-Aid that will keep the svelte svelte and the taut taut.

Besides, nobody thinks about the future when there’s a glass of delicious neon mutant juice in the present.

If I’m scaring you, it’s only because there isn’t much to say about Kool-Aid Liquid. “It’s good.”

I mean that, by the way. It really is good. I’m sure that there are psychosomatic factors at play, but even with the hundred similar liquid drink mixes on the market, in these same exact flavors, the official Kool-Aid versions create something that is purely “Kool-Aid.” Only Kool-Aid tastes like this, and brother, Kool-Aid tastes better than most things.

Plus, now I can write threatening messages in Tropical Punch drink mix.

I have a feeling that this review won’t win me any freebies from Kraft Foods.