Easter is approaching. As longtime readers know, it’s far from my favorite holiday, owing to everything from its hideous pastel colors to the customary dish of a “leg of lamb”– something I find so atrocious that it took me a literal minute to even type it.
But there are good things about Easter, too. Namely the eggs. Dyeing hardboiled eggs never gets old. If you disagree with that, you’re in luck, because there are kits available that let you do a heck of a lot more than just “dye” the eggs. This is one example. Perhaps the best example.
It’s a kit that allows us to turn eggs into “Mini-Monsters.” Paas didn’t hyphenate it, but I’m going to.
I can’t remember what it cost. Two bucks, maybe? For some reason, egg dyeing kits never seem to be as horribly overpriced as other holiday items. There’s only so much you can charge for a couple of dye tablets and a wire “egg dipper” that never, ever works as well as a normal spoon.
Did I have reservations? Yes! This must be Paas’s ten trillionth Easter egg kit, and having seen so many of them, I know that they’re hit-or-miss. Or is that hit-and-miss? The second one seems more commonly used, but the first one makes more sense. If you’re reading this and thinking that I sound half-asleep, your insight serves you well. It’s three o’ clock in the morning.
You get everything shown above. Dr. Frankenstein, meet Lisa Frank.
In truth, it was the promise of “fuzzy hair” that drew me in. Look at that little orange fuzzball. There’s no way that isn’t going to do good shit to eggs.
Among the other inclusions are pipe cleaners, glitter glue, and a sticker sheet with a disproportionate eyes-to-mouths ratio. Some estimates put it at sixteen eyes per mouth. Paas can get away with this, since “monsters” need not apply to the standard Rules of Faces.
Dyeing the eggs was easy enough. I went with the tried-and-true “water and vinegar” mix, though according to the directions, vinegar wasn’t mandatory. But screw that. I remember a time when my family used nothing but vinegar to mix with the dye, and it will be a cold day in hell before I exclude it entirely.
Besides, I’d previously bought a really awful bottle of rice vinegar, and if I don’t use it for something like egg dyeing, it’s just going to sit in my kitchen cabinet, serving no purpose other than “obstacle as I reach for Saltines” for the next five years.
Hmm. My color choices and egg placement came eerily close to supporting Microsoft Windows.
When it came time to do wacky monster stuff to the eggs, I was shocked. The assorted materials actually did what they were supposed to do! Even the crappy glitter glue worked fine, and I would’ve bet my life savings of $200 and three dented cans of Surge that it’d have no adhesive quality at all.
I’ll spare you the play-by-play on Steps #5-30. Just know that I spent a good 45 minutes decorating these eggs, breaking only for a Jodi Arias highlight reel and two rounds of Candy Crush. If somebody set me on fire, I would not blame them.
My Mini-Monster eggs came out okay. They’re a bit too simple, but I didn’t want to add personal touches that went outside the parameters of the kit’s contents. I felt like it would be cheating. Or maybe I was just lazy.
When I make my real Easter eggs, I like to go balls-to-the-wall. You can’t make Easter eggs at my age and not go balls-to-the-wall. Crazy color patterns, weird designs, the whole nine yards. This kit only let me go so far, but remembering that it’s meant for kids who can only go so far, it’s pretty sweet.
There aren’t many Easter egg kits that will let you make monsters with pipe cleaner arms and Beaker hair. In fact, to date, I’ve only seen one.
This guy is my favorite. I like his pink coon cap. Or maybe that’s a Coral Snow corn snake? It would explain the egg’s faint hint of omg-ness.