SpongeBob SquarePants Kid Cuisine!

Like I was going to pass up a SpongeBob-shaped chicken nugget.

1

Two things I hadn’t thought about in a while: SpongeBob and Kid Cuisine. Renewed awareness could have only come from mixing the two together.

I can’t remember the last time Kid Cuisine did something so heavily thematic, and I’m kinda surprised that SpongeBob got the nod. He’s long past the point of needing goofy promotions to keep his name afloat. Maybe ConAgra pleaded with Nickelodeon for the favor, using doe eyes and a comically oversized novelty check.

I don’t eat Kid Cuisine meals, but I’ve always appreciated them, more or less as edible outsider art. The regular versions are admirably wacky, but when they get their hands around a “concept piece,” they just go completely berserk.

2

Indeed, “berserk” is the only word to describe this. Chicken nuggets shaped like SpongeBob and Patrick, somehow coexisting with extremely incongruous Black Forest gummy bugs. And corn, too.

3

4

The chicken nuggets are the obvious stars, and the likenesses are pretty on-target.

SpongeBob lost his arms in the transition to chicken, but that’s okay, because now I can pretend that I have a chicken nugget shaped like a TV set that grew legs. Fetishes must never be universal, for then they would not be fetishes at all.

Patrick is more fully intact, because all ConAgra had to do was bend the top spike on their preexisting star-shaped nuggets.

Each meal comes with three pieces. I got two Patricks and one SpongeBob, which I assume to be the opposite of most kids’ preferred ratio. With only one SpongeBob, you really have to consider things.

Yes, it’s true that the second you see the SpongeBob-shaped chicken nugget, every impulse tells you to bite its legs off. But once you do that, you’ll have no more breaded SpongeBobs to treat like fucked up action figures.

DECISIONS. Decisions that would have far less reaching consequences if only you had two SpongeBob SquarePants chicken nuggets.

5

Next are boring compartments filled with boring corn and boring mac & cheese. I’m not terribly fond of corn, especially “TV dinner corn,” so it is proof of God’s wrath that ConAgra gave me four times as much corn as cheesy macaroni.

(Seriously, that’s a pitiful serving of mac & cheese. It would only count as two forkfuls if you used a shrimp fork. The bright side is that now you have a reason to use a shrimp fork. You’ll feel like you’re playing Operation.)

6

Strangest of all are the gummy candies. The BUGS.

Kid Cuisine’s obsession with bug-shaped gummies was established long before SpongeBob joined the party, but it’s so much weirder to see the bugs next to him. These aren’t “comical” or “cartoony” bugs, mind you. They’re realistic, and depending on where you land, maybe even a bit spooky.

It’s just such an odd mix of flavors. Not flavors in the literal sense. “Flavors” as in “styles.” Though I suppose chicken nuggets and gummy candy are an odd mix of literal flavors, too.

7

I was excited about the free “Best Buddies” wristband… until realizing that it’s one of those deals where you have to send in two proofs-of-purchase and wait 6-8 weeks. Isn’t that just a glorified rubber band? They couldn’t throw one in the box?

As a matter of full disclosure, I should mention that this isn’t the only time SpongeBob has teamed with Kid Cuisine. It first happened years ago, and they even used the same nugget shapes. I don’t know if repurposing chicken nuggets is a dealbreaker for you, but it isn’t for me.

Fifteen minutes later, and I’m still drawing a blank on how to close this review. A letter grade seems inappropriate, since I didn’t actually eat anything. This may be a cop out, but I’m gonna end things with a haiku about Jaws 3.

What you want to see
Is the shark breaking the tank
Skip everything else

  • Nihil

    Good to hear, Matt!

  • Lone Star 76

    Who cares if the Christmas banner is still up? I love it. There are people who keep the Christmas lights up until March. Me, I kept them up last year until may. Only cause I was recovering from surgery all of that January, and other things came up.

  • Lone Star 76

    Sorry for double posting. But this past weekend, I met Kyle Reese himself, Michael Biehn at a local convention. I had a great time.

  • Joel stephens

    Why would anyone want to eat somethingike this? I’ve personally never eaten one but Just the idea of eating Microwaved chicken nuggets make me cringe.

  • http://www.etsy.com/listing/166059870/the-golden-girls-brick-people-toy-set?ref=shop_home_active_1 IHAQ

    Matt, will you read this way down here? HELLO?
    Anyway, I wasn’t sure how to bring this to your attention, or maybe you already knew, but someone has made The Golden Girls out of Lego! I linked the page in my name.

  • drew do

    AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I now have the all new Sharkleberry Fin! It’s amazing! Tastes just like it did when I was little!

  • TCoftheDead

    So Matt……Radio Shack Superbowl commercial???? Was made for you!!!!!!!

  • IHAQ

    My biggest February wish is some sort of review for that Radio Shack commercial here on Dino Drac. Do it for your Birthday Matt, and mine!

    Or don’t. No pressure, life comes first.

  • Sawdust

    I’m worried Matt pls write something

  • Ryane

    Believe me, I am not bitching or complaining – I simply want to state that I have withdrawal! Ok, I also have cabin fever and an overwhelming abundance of being severely bored.

    My hard drive bit the dust (and I MEAN bit the dust) a little over a week ago and I can only remember a very small amount of bookmarks I had. I keep coming here thinking I can find an article that perhaps I missed. Nope!

    I am thankful for the sharing of the Radio Shack commercial on Sunday though, cause I never would’ve seen that.

  • Nihilistic

    Ooo look at Lone Star, making it all about them! MATT may be being held captive against his will in some blacksite where the Geneva Convention is just a cheese bazaar and yet YOU want to talk about Christmas lights and some washed up actor who sold out the Alien franchise for some piddling voice-over work. Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last!

    Matt, what are their demands!!?

  • Whalley Range

    Matt, you’re being worked to the bone. And isn’t this your birthday month? You deserve better: Can you provide a PO box for the faithful to send you much awesomeness?

  • Lone Star 76

    Nihilistic, in the words of Sean Connery, shut up.

  • http://www.reviewtheworld.com/ Brian (Review the World)

    Anybody cueing up Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown soon like me? I need a Peanuts holiday fix where I can get it until the Fall.

  • Loneman1

    No. Valentine’s day is not a valid holiday if you are single…..all it is an excuse to go out and try and hook up with any woman at a bar who isn’t attached to anyone. And that likely won’t end well.

  • Officer Alucard

    I’m really getting sick of seeing Sponge Bob’s smirking face every day. It’s a cruel reminder of how empty my days are without this site.

  • http://nostalgicdaydream.wordpress.com Deigh

    My kids told me that these nuggets tasted nothing like SpongeBob. They then proceeded to explain pink slime to me.

    I think my kids are warped.

  • http://nostalgicdaydream.wordpress.com Deigh

    P.S. – update the freakin’ site. I’m going insane without Matt’s insights, showing me how to live life with joy instead of the empty pit of despair that I face every day…

  • Nihilistic

    Oh look it’s Valentine’s Day, what a perfect opportunity to get the ball rolling again with a new DD column! Pretty soon I’m going to have to explain to loved ones why it is I fly into a blind rage everytime I see Spongebob :’(

  • Ryane

    lol @ Nihilistic. The mental visuals of someone doing that are enough to keep me happy for the rest of the night.

    My confession: I never liked Spongebob very much anyways. Squidward was the best and even he got annoying quick. I do have a Niece and Nephew that watched Spongebob like it was a religious experience, so I can blame them for my slight disdain for the Holey Yellow One.

    Maybe I can find Matt’s Instagram again… I don’t have one of these new fangled smartphones, so I apparently can’t get into the “site” without a special link or whatever. Pisses me off. Yeah! Maybe Mummy Shark has something!

  • Marleaux75

    I miss Matt! I miss his reviews! That is all.

  • Onion Rings ARE Vegetables!

    None of this shit looks edible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/therealteddyray Teddy Ray

    I don’t know that I’ve ever had a Kid Cuisine meal, but I’ve had my share of frozen dinners like this, so I can pretty much guess how it is. I don’t blame you for not eating it. Corn is probably my favorite vegetable (I don’t like vegetables, really, and the ones I DO like I’m told “don’t count” because they’re starches. Fuck that noise.), but frozen corn is just bad. The gummy bugs look like the best thing in this meal. Also, the tease of a wristband only to be told you need to mail away for it is a rip off. That being said, the best thing to come out of this Kid Cuisine meal is this review, which was delightful.

  • http://Kidcuisine Penny

    My son is still waiting on his sponge bob braclets that he order over 8 weeks ago, do you know where they are?

  • bryson wells

    I ordered the sponge Bob bracelets about 3 months ago and still have not received them is this
    False advertising or what? Sure would like to know what’s going on

  • http://google joshue

    i was wondering i have a kid quisne with sponge bob its says i acn get braclets and win a backpack please send a message its for my son tony

  • cindy gonzalez

    We are still waitin on are spongebob best buddie wrist bands. Its been quit awhile now.