5 Halloween Things!

Halloween is fast approaching, and I have so much wonderful stuff left to cover. This post aims to decrease the number of bullets on my Must-Write-About list by five. I’ll feel better about the world when it’s done.

SpongeBob Plastic Cup with Straw: I could not have fewer uses for this, but for two bucks, who could pass up a pumpkin-themed SpongeBob head? I am mortal, not god.

Of course, now that I actually sit here and look at the thing, it’s obviously just a repainted regular SpongeBob head. It’s the normal mold, with not even a modified tooth to tell you that this is a special edition SpongeBob who serves Satan.

Don’t care. Still love it. It’s orange, but more specifically, it’s the best kind of “Halloween orange.”

Halloween orange knows many shades, from bright neon to dim and earthy. This one is smack in the middle. Like a wad of perfect cheddar, from a cheesemaker who really took pride in it.

EDIT: I’m a fool. There are defined “pumpkin lines” all over SpongeBob’s head. So this really was a custom mold. Now he’s triple great.

Pumpkin Grave Breaker: “Grave Breaker” is just one of many terms used to describe this type of Halloween decoration. Basically, they’re foam monster torsos, which work with an included stake to give the impression that creatures are rising from your lawn to kill and eat people.

They’ve become extremely common sights at any store that sells Halloween decorations – so much so that I’ve almost developed a case of “Grave Breaker blindness.” Still, this one was impossible to overlook. A pumpkin demon with an exposed pumpkin ribcage!

Most Grave Breakers go with zombie motifs, or at best, skeleton motifs. You don’t see pumpkin Grave Breakers often. Especially one who clearly stole his body from a skeleton Grave Breaker before bathing in orange paint.

Maybe I just got lucky on the photo, but admit it: He’s impressive. A bony ribcage is one of the skeleton’s best features, but repainting it orange for a pumpkin demon makes it impossibly cool. Were I to ever launch a ribcage fansite, today would be the day that the idea found root.

I also love how his eyes look like the footprints of a duck with terrible posture.

Ghoul-Aid: I’ve covered Ghoul-Aid’s return before, but since I’m getting lots of e-mails about it, let me announce once and for all that YES, I’m aware that Ghoul-Aid is back, and YES, I take full credit for it.

The new packet design is phenomenal, and at the risk of losing my Kool-Aid hipster cred, I might even like it more than the original. The “bubbling slime” font is one of my all-time favorites, and I’d be hard-pressed to name even one thing linked to that font that I don’t enjoy.

I’d considered complaining about the Ghoul-Aid Man’s increased friendliness, but I think it’s off-set by the goblet he carries. See that color? That’s what you want your Ghoul-Aid to look like. Dark purple, but not SO dark that you can’t trick yourself into seeing swirls of lighter colors throughout the glass. If your Ghoul-Aid isn’t coming out like this, you are not living as a solid human being.

Also: Maybe I’m just too used to dealing with Kool-Aid packets from the early ‘90s, but I was surprised by how noticeable the Ghoul-Aid smell was, even when the packets were still sealed. I’m a hole puncher away from creating the best air freshener ever. Ghoul-Aid will dangle from my rearview mirror, and when the cops pull me over, I’ll never get a ticket. “10-5 to 7-B…got a speeder here, but I’m gonna let him slide because he has Kool-Aid in his car.” This is 100% going to happen.

Beware Banners: It’s a shame that I wrote my spooky Dollar Tree entry so early, because on a later trip, I found the best Halloween decoration ever sold at any dollar store.

They’re tattered “BEWARE” banners, with the plastic faces of various monsters glued on. The monster above looks like a Jell-O mold version of the toilet dude from Ghoulies, but there’s also a red version on sale. (…who also looks like a Jell-O mold version of the toilet dude from Ghoulies. But red.)

Dollar Tree only had a few of ’em. It’s possible that they aren’t selling these in tremendous volume, but it seems more likely that they’re just selling out very quickly. Who could see this and not buy it? Even the people who are only there to find out if they still make Close-Up toothpaste couldn’t resist.

As for size, I’m guessing it’s two feet tall, all-in? The monster heads are around ten inches tall, or maybe nine? Eight? I don’t know. I keep turning around to judge, but I’ve never been good at eyeball measurement. But I am really good at shark trivia.

Giant Pink Frankenstein Card: I threw in the Raphael figure so you could get a sense of scale. Also because I like Raphael. He saw Critters in theaters.

It’s the size of four greeting cards, but more importantly, it’s a pink Frankenstein’s Monster with enormous googly eyes. And freckles. And a flower. And a tiny bit of drool. I’m going to assume that there’s some obscure animated special starring this character, because the thought of a creature this amazing being limited to greeting card art strikes me as a travesty.

Best of all, when you buy the card, you actually get an envelope big enough to send it in. The envelope alone was worth whatever I paid. When I hold it, I feel like Alice, shrinking down to begin a wild adventure.

Problem is, I can’t think of anyone to send a giant Halloween greeting card to. Thumbing through my rolodex, there doesn’t seem to be anyone who’d really appreciate this.

I’m lying. I know plenty of people who’d love to get a giant pink Frankenstein by mail. I just don’t want to give it away, ever. I’m only charitable when it doesn’t hurt.