Dinosaur Dracula!

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 2!

I had so much fun writing Volume 1, I thought I’d dive right back in. Here are another six snacks that I want back, from chocolate-stuffed cookies to fries in juice boxes:


 Cheetos Paws! 

Chee-tos Paws (they didn’t drop the hyphen until later) was perhaps the snack of the early ‘9os. Meant to represent Chester Cheetah’s paws, something about their shape allowed for the kind of cheese dust attraction seen in no other Chee-to before or since. In effect, they were the cheesiest of all Chee-tos.

But that was only part of it. Paw shaped Chee-tos were just fun to eat. My favorite way was to chomp the individual fingers first, saving the hideously mutilated cheetah hands as a sort of main course. Alternatively, I’d start by sucking all of the cheese dust off, and eat the paws only after they were entirely robbed of flavor. I might delete that confession when I proofread this.

Much of our affinity had to do with the marketing, too. Chee-tos Paws were pitched as being extraordinarily hip and not-at-all for adults, packed in blazingly lime green bags that only a minor could feel comfortable eating from. After all, this was the era of anti-adult kiddy advertising, where every new snack came with a disclaimer that you had to be 11 or under to truly understand it.

Even so, people of all ages loved Chee-tos Paws, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Frito-Lay gave ‘em another try someday. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 1!

Tonight is the first chapter in what I guess we could call my personal pantheon of shitty food. From the ‘80s and ‘90s, here are six snacks I want back:


 Pop Quiz Popcorn! 

Made in 1992, Pop Qwiz was my jam. Believing that kids would love popcorn even more if it came in ridiculous colors, this was Pop Secret’s attempt to turn junk food into SUPER junk food.

Each bag was filled with popcorn in a neon mystery color, and until you ripped ‘em open and narrowly avoided the killer steam, you didn’t know if you’d be eating something blue, red or purple. What fun!

The coloring didn’t affect the buttery taste — it was just in play to make us feel circussy. As I recall, Pop Qwiz’s only negative was that the small bags were very easy to overcook, leaving you with popcorn that was half blue and half unforgiving coal. Of course, since black, smoldering popcorn is one of life’s most covert delicacies, that never bothered me too much. Read More…