Creepy Commercials Countdown: Hormel Frank ‘N Stuff!

The Creepy Commercials Countdown!
October 4th, 2012: “Hormel Frank ‘N Stuff!” (1986)

Meet Dr. Frank ‘N Stuff. He invites people to dinner parties. When they arrive, he makes them extremely uncomfortable for no good reason. Dr. Frank ‘N Stuff is not the host with the most.

On tonight’s menu? Hot dogs with chili inside. Crammed inside, very rudely.

Made by Hormel, “Frank ‘N Stuff” was a bizarre concoction. They looked like hot dogs and they were hot dogs, but the mad doctor injected them — literally injected them — with Hormel chili. I’m not sure whether I should applaud or be appalled.  There must be some stupid GIF that does both.

Of course there is. And there’s more than one.

I could do this all night. I mean, it’s 4:30 in the morning, and I’m building a tiny online tribute to a 1986 hot dog commercial. It isn’t like I need to write especially well, here. If I want to be lazy and tank my work with stolen GIFs, this is the time.

The weird wieners sure had their fans. Even today, Frank ‘N Stuff enthusiasts trade stories on message boards, collectively mourning the loss of these deliciously revolting THINGS.

I don’t remember the commercial, or the hot dogs. I wish I did, because in 1986, I was the perfect age. The perfect age to take Hormel at face value, and truly accept their creations as “horror frankfurters.” Even if that connection began and ended with this commercial, I would’ve taken it to heart. I would’ve thought about Frankenstein every time I saw a pack of Frank ‘N Stuff at the old A&P.

I’m so pissed. I really am. I missed the chance to think about monsters while looking at hot dogs.  It sure would’ve beat thinking about people named “Frank.” All of the Franks I knew sucked.

Anyway, this next GIF was not stolen. I made it myself. They look like frames from a video involving animal dissection, but no, it’s just a hot dog:

I guess they were pretty good. After all, people are still writing about them, and using lots of exclamation points when they do. My only issue is the thought of them cold. I’m sure everything arrived fully cooked, but this seems like it’d be really disturbing to handle while cold.

Just imagine the horrible squishy sounds they must have made. Squa-ornch squa-ornch squa-ornch. Like a stray dog giving birth. A stray dog, specifically. They hold nothing back.

Now here’s my attempt to create a monster hot dog in MS Paint.

Nah, I did it in Photoshop. I’m a giant liar.