Dinosaur Dracula!

Vlog: Blurp Balls Toy Review.

His name is Count Heave-a-Heart.

He’s one of the Blurp Balls.

His ocular veins look like the letter “Y” repeated thirteen times.

Very rare toys with a cult following that just won’t die, the Blurp Balls arrived in 1991, and were essentially uber versions of Madballs. Get the whole scoop in a video starring me:

I made several errors in this vlog:

#1: I said that Blurp Balls came out in ’92. NO. It’s 1991.

#2: I called one of the Blurp Balls “Retch-a-Rat Cat Tomcat.” Actually, it’s just Retch-a-Rat Tomcat.

#3: I called another one “Bossy Tossteeth.” In reality, he’s Boney Tossteeth.

But I did get some things right. For instance, I said they were balls, and they are. Read More…

Horror DVD Menu Screens!

Tonight, we pay tribute to horror DVD menu screens.

Somebody has to. They’re great. I own well over a hundred scary movie DVDs, and since I have the tendency to buy copies of films I’ve already seen ten thousand times, the real thrill, and frequently, the only thrill, is seeing how the production team summed everything up on those often cheesy, always awesome menus.

I plucked ten horror DVDs from my collection at random. Below are my thoughts on their menu screens.

Hellraiser III: Dig it. With the chunky text and crude blood, it looks like a game from the original Mortal Kombat era. I thought Pinhead had black eyes, but even if this was editorialized, those red eyes work. Really brings the whole color scheme together. Read More…

Marshmallow Pumpkin Patch Incident.

After this post, I promise not to make weird things out of Halloween food for at least a few days. I know I’ve been doing it too much. It’s not like such features are turning me into an Internet superstar, so I must assume that there’s some deeply buried psychological need at play.

The first step is admission. The second step is to write about something else. As of this moment, I’m only ready to take the first step. So, here’s a really gross thing I made from brownies, pumpkin marshmallows and green-dyed coconut shavings.

Say hi to Bowl. Bowl plays host to brownie mix, oil, water, an egg and a bunch of crushed Halloween Oreos. Looked at from just the right angle, Bowl is an organic Death Star. The very definition of a “happy accident.” Read More…

Hubba Bubba’s Halloween Squeeze Pops!

I’m currently working on a big ass feature. It has the potential to be great, but it also has the potential to be terrible, so I’m gonna need some time to wrap that baby up. With panic setting in over the thought of a Monday with no new content, I dived into my stock of goodies and yanked out, uh, candy slime.

I don’t know if they’re new, and I even have a sneaking suspicion that I’ve reviewed them before. Googling around the old site brings up nothing, so I will assume I’m in the clear.

New or not, Hubba Bubba’s Halloween Squeeze Pops are some of the best candies available this season, wrapping everything we love about Halloween up in a couple of extremely strange packages.

Never had a Squeeze Pop? They’re filled with what’s best described as “candy gel.” Not quite liquid, not quite solid. The goo is messy, and eating more than a drop of it will make your stomach perform the Caribbean beguine, but Halloween is the exact right time for this kind of grossness.

On the left is cherry Vampire’s Blood, fronted by a yellow-eyed vampire who totally stole my trademarked placement of mouth blood.

The only weird thing is his pendant. It isn’t the typical evil cross, or even a bat. It’s just some big, purple dot. I can understand why Hubba Bubba wanted to avoid any religious connections, but still, a purple dot? It looks like he’s wearing a giant grape. That doesn’t work with a cherry Squeeze Pop.

On the right, Mummy Slime. Even if I’m loyal to blood and even more loyal to cherries, I have to admit, this is the more creative of the two Squeeze Pops. With a goofy, slime-drenched mummy as its mascot, the sour apple sludge is 120 grams’ worth of good good good. Read More…

Eggo Seasons Pumpkin Spice Waffles!

I’ve been waiting for Eggo to make “Halloween waffles” for nearly as long as I’ve been doing the Countdown. I guess my feeble attempt to summon them by way of a voodoo crock pot was more effective than I imagined it would be, because finally, THEY ARE HERE.

You know, I’d seen mentions of these over the last few weeks, but I totally forgot to add ’em to my mental checklist. Imagine my surprise to spot them as I strolled through the freezer section of Stop & Shop, searching for frozen raspberries. (If you’ve never experienced a frozen raspberry, do everything in your power to change that. Each one is like a tiny-sized snowcone. I love them so much.)

Right next to the raspberries, there they were: Eggo Seasons “Pumpkin Spice” waffles, in great boxes peppered with pumpkin and cinnamon stick graphics.

Thank God it was late and the place was almost empty, because not even my legendary self-consciousness could keep me from celebrating with what’s best compared to a Penguins of Madagascar dance number. Read More…