Apartment 4B.

APARTMENT 4B
Rented by: The Cupcake Lady
Co-signer: Matt

The Cupcake Lady’s real name is Agnes, but nobody ever calls her that. I think it’s because so many old ladies are already named Agnes. “The Cupcake Lady” helps to differentiate Agnes from all of the other Agneses.

Still, the nickname is fitting, because all Agnes ever does is make cupcakes. Make cupcakes, or plan to make cupcakes.

Frequently, Agnes prowls the halls of the apartment building, trying to toss cupcakes to whatever tenants she can corner. In truth, her cupcakes just aren’t very good, and word has gotten around. Poor Agnes just might be the most fiercely avoided person in the entire building.

It’s not because she’s unlikable. Actually, everyone likes Agnes very much. It’s just those shitty cupcakes. They’re wretched! They look weird, they smell funny, and there always seems to be hair in them. The cupcakes are just a complete turnoff in every conceivable way. Nobody wants anything to do with them.

Agnes mistakes her neighbors’ demeanor as coy modesty. “They love my cupcakes,” she moans to herself. “They’re just too damn proud to accept a handout.”

Agnes has two cats. They are both amazingly fat.