Six Popsicles from the Year 2000.

I’ve been absent for a while, busy with work, and even busier navigating the mountains of snow on the way to work. 2014 wasted no time in turning me into someone who thinks winter should be illegal. I picture a snowman on the witness stand, melting under the stress of hard questions.

Unrelated to my travel woes is this post, collecting six different Popsicle-brand treats from the year 2000. I found these hiding in archived pages of their official site, so you can consider this a cross between a Deadsite and an off-season edition of The Popsicle Parade. Henceforth, Popsicle Site Parade Dead.

Nickelodeon’s Green Slime Ice Pops!

Everyday ice pops were given a disgusting/delicious twist with the addition of “green slime” centers. Though green apple flavored, there still remained the notion that you were eating blobs of ethereal snot. (Pro? Con? It’s too subjective for me to say.)

The depiction of the slimy innards indicated something liquid, but I remember these, and the slime was anything but. It wasn’t quite as frozen as the ice pops, but that stuff wouldn’t drip without fifteen minutes’ worth of room temperature coaxing.

Micro Pops!

Like Dippin’ Dots minus the milk, each Micro Pop collected hundreds of frozen balls into the loose shape of a baton. Eating them was a process not entirely dissimilar to the Atlantic dogwinkle going apeshit on a plank of barnacles.

In what was either a coincidence or secret patriotism, the color scheme on these Micro Pops was so incredibly American. Or Cuban. Or Australian. Or Icelandic. Man, a lot of countries have red, white and blue flags. Et tu, Cambodia?

Popsicle Pokemon!

These were sold in six-packs at grocery stores, but also “by the Popsicle” on ice cream trucks. The featured Pokemon were mostly the expected ones, like Pikachu, Squirtle and Bulbasaur. The one mildly surprising entrant was Gengar, a big fat purple ghost who I assume was flavored like big fat purple grapes.

Each Pokemon had candy balls in place of one of its facial features. In Pikachu’s case, two cherry candies represented his electric cheeks. I hope that piece of trivia forever saves you from dead-end conversation.

Rugrats Cookie Sandwich!

Many of you will recognize these as the legendary WWF Ice Cream Bars. The only difference is that instead of Jake Roberts or The Mountie, the cookies were stamped with the likenesses of Tommy and Angelica.

With or without pro-wrestlers, those things were freakin’ delicious. I don’t blame Popsicle for regurgitating the idea.

The best part was how the cookie layer helped shield your teeth from the terrors of freezing cold ice cream. I’m not sure if the speed with which we ate these had as much to do with their tastiness as it did the fact that we had to take zero breaks for tooth maintenance. Fifty bucks says you will read that sentence nowhere else today.

Fruit Juicee Pops!

These didn’t need the aid of Pokemon or branded slime to be worth getting. They were INSANELY delicious. (“Insanely” had to be capped, because an uncapped “insanely” could not possibly capture how delicious these were.)

Picture a thousand Fla-Vor-Ices condensed into the size of one. That’s what these were like. Every lick was like discovering the absolute nucleus of fruit flavor. They were almost too much to handle.

Adding to the awesomeness was their unique shape; a shape so unique, I actually don’t know what it’s called. Elongated trapezoid? Squashed beak?

Confession: I used to bite these into chunks, and then suck the color from each like so many dying Optimus Primes.

Great White Ice Pops!

Popsicle still makes a version of these, but they no longer come in such magnificent boxes. Nowadays, the shark mascot is of the friendly variety, looking less like a maneater and more like the anthropomorphic mascot of some fly-by-night lock-and-key company.

But back then? Total Jaws rip-off! I love it. I’d eat these every single day if they still came in boxes with big angry shark heads on them.

Thank you for reading about old ice pops. My apologies if nothing above was funny or interesting. I haven’t written anything in nearly four years.