Cheetos Mix-Ups!

HOT NEWS: I found new Cheetos.

Cheetos Mix-Ups blend four different types of Cheetos to create what I like to call “junk food as art.” It may be unhealthy, but fans of the gloriously absurd will not be able to ignore this.

The bag doesn’t have any “limited time only” warnings, but experience has taught me that nothing this outrageous can last forever. My purchase was made at least partly in fear that I’d never have the chance to buy them again.

Would tomorrow bring a press release about how Cheetos Mix-Ups were recalled for being too bizarre? It seemed possible. It also seemed possible that I’d pinch myself in Target’s crap food aisle and wake up in a world where Cheetos Mix-Ups never existed in the first place.

These are the sorts of existential crises I endure when choosing blog topics. The Mayans had a word for people like me. Dickface.

COME ON. You can’t look at that and not understand my attraction. You don’t have to find them appetizing, because this isn’t about flavor. This is about a bowl of the kind of junk food that previously only existed as background art in cartoon birthday parties. You know, like when the snack bowls are filled with multicolored don’t-know-whats, and we just sit there praying for a closer look that never comes?

This is that, come to life.

I let my subscription to Cheetos Magazine lapse, but unless I’m mistaken, more than one of these shapes/flavors are exclusive to the Mix-Ups bags. For instance, prior to yesterday, I cannot recall seeing Cheetos shaped liked giant bee eyes.

I’ve been doing this nostalgic shtick for what, thirteen years? A byproduct of that is my increased intuition about the things people will get wistful about in the future. I think Cheetos Mix-Ups will be one of those things. One of those cult foods that future generations will view through rose-tinted glasses. Adults of the year 2029 will slap five with anyone who remembers them. Someone will put empty, oily bags on eBay and make a mint. I’ll be fucking fifty.

Each of the Cheetos has a distinct color, shape and flavor. The bookending Cheetos don’t seem too interesting to me, but check out that pair in the middle!

Love those little barrel-shaped jalepeno deals. In impoverished towns, they might pass as jade.

The chipotle cheddar bee eyes are my favorite Cheetos of all. There are just so many ways to eat them! One bite. Two bites. Split one in half and let both sides of your jaw work with purpose. Wedge the whole thing against the roof of your mouth, and use your tongue like a car compactor. That last one will hurt, but if there was ever a good kind of pain…

As for the flavor, it’s basically a bunch of Cheetos with increasing amounts of heat. I lucked out on how I ordered them in the photo, because that’s pretty much “hottest at left” and “blandest at right.” Of course, since each type swims together in one bag, they all swap spices and end up reasonably similar. Ever hear of miscegenation? This is the stupid version of it.

Remember the alien who sold Luke and Ben out to the Stormtroopers? Garindan was his name. And that’s his face as a bunch of Cheetos.

PS: The bag featured here is the “Cheezy Salsa Mix.” There’s also an “Xtra Cheezy Mix,” which has the same four shapes, but lacks the impressive shifting colors. I’m only mentioning this so the first comment won’t be, “yeah these also come in an extra cheese version.” I KNOW.