I never expected 2014 to top last year’s incredible Halloween season, but man… I think we’re coming close. I already feel like I’m drowning in awesome Halloween shit, and we’re not even halfway through September.
…and if I was on the fence about this possibly becoming an even more impressive season, tonight’s subject blasted me over that fence with blood-soaked fucking grapeshot.
Brothers, sisters, everyone in-between! It has HAPPENED. There are HALLOWEEN CHIA PETS.
Well, Chia Zombies, to be precise. Gooood loooord.
Longtime readers know that I’ve owned seven thousand Chia Pets, with planters shaped like everything from Garfield to Christmas trees. This series tops them all, with ease. From the highly thematic boxes to the idea that I’ll soon grow hair on a terracotta zombie head, they’re just 100% great. There should be a sticker on each box that says exactly that. 100% GREAT.
One Chia Zombie would’ve sufficed, but no, they made THREE! I could only allow myself to buy two, but if you’d prefer your Chia Zombie with a more feminine flair, there’s also “Lifeless Lisa,” whose planter looks like a drug-addled sphinx.
My first choice was “Creepy Holden,” a classic zombie with eye damage and all sorts of mouth issues. I can’t tell you how excited I am about watching Creepy Holden grow grassy hair. I’m gonna set up five cameras.
Not that I wanted to spend $30 on Chia Pets today, but how could I leave the “Restless Arm” behind? So clever and cool! Obviously, the idea is that it’s a zombie arm rising from the soil, but you can just as easily pretend it’s an Ancient One from The Cabin in the Woods.
You’ll notice that my Chia Zombies are wet. That’s because you have to soak them for an hour before you can do any of the fun stuff.
You have to soak the Chia Seeds for just as long, too. Not wanting to break a blogging tradition that dates back to the early 2000s, I completely ignored the instructions and just dumped all of the seeds and too much water into plastic tubs. Masochism can manifest in subtle ways, and for me, it’s no fun to grow Chia Pets unless 50 strangers yell at me for doing it wrong.
If you’re new to Chia Pets, the process is simple. Just smear the slimy seeds into the planters’ grooves, and then play the waiting game. (I used my fingers to do the smearing. Experience has taught me that it’s better to be messy than to lose your mind trying to spread Chia Seeds with a spoon. CANNOT be done.)
You’ll notice that I did an awful job of applying the seeds. It’s too bare in some spots, and waaaaay too saturated in others. The neat thing is, these are the first Chia Pets that actually inspire laziness:
The package says that Chia Zombies look great even after the leaves die, but I think we can take things a step further. I don’t WANT my Chia Zombies to have perfect beds of tiny green things. They’ll look better messed up! Creepy Holden SHOULD have bald patches! He’s a goddamned zombie!
The best crafts are the ones that expect nothing from you. Here, failure is success!
For the next week or two, my Chia Zombies will remain under indirect sunlight, with plastic bags loosely fitted over them. The bags take some of the joy out of watching them grow, but they lock in humidity and improve your chances of proper sprouts. (Trust me, you want all the help you can get. Chia Pets can be… pretty disagreeable.)
The Chia Zombies have nothing to show for my efforts just yet, but they should start sprouting over the next few days. Then, in a few weeks, I’ll have the most beautifully macabre, partially edible conversational pieces imaginable.
Oh, and speaking of the podium, guess it’s my turn.
If you count this as the best time of the year, you know what the Halloween season is really about. For eight weeks, the simple is super. Moments can be made from just about anything. Nothing has to be boring.
All anyone has to do is try. Don’t worry, it won’t feel like you’re trying. If you’ve been more of an “absorber” than a “partaker,” these Chia Zombies pretty much demand that you switch teams. They will mark your Halloween season in a way that no other Halloween season has been marked. And, bonus points, you’ll get a sprout-covered zombie head out of the deal.
I found my Chia Zombies at Home Depot, but if you’re interested, they’re also on Amazon.