A friend – let’s call him “M” – told me to keep an eye on the mailbox. Assuming “M” did not mean this literally, I complied. My reward was a 72-inch Freddy Krueger with a huge head and absolutely no feet.
“M” apologized for leaving the price sticker on. He feared that any attempt at removing it would destroy the box. Actually, I’m glad it was intact. The “HOT BUYS: 19.99” sticker betrays Freddy’s roots at some faraway Walgreens, and indeed, it’s structured just like so many of their humongous yet relatively inexpensive Halloween decorations with big hard heads topping five feet of cheap ass fabric.
Thing is, those decorations are usually of the generic sort, representing guys like the Grim Reaper, or a version of Ghostface that isn’t really Ghostface. I’d never seen one based on a licensed character, let alone one as top shelf as Fred C. Krueger.
SO WONDERFUL. SO, SO WONDERFUL.
I tried hard to capture Freddy’s awesomeness, but these photos really aren’t cutting it. This is an amazing decoration, and one that I’ll be enjoying well after October 31st.
Freddy’s head and arms form a sort of “coat hanger,” while a thin, full-body costume takes him to the advertised six feet. As I removed Freddy from the box and realized exactly what he was, I made the same O-face that Ralphie did while opening his official Red Ryder BB gun.
The head is enormous. The decoration is six feet tall, but a head like this really begs for nine. And check out that expression! This isn’t “casual Freddy.” I’m not even sure that “angry Freddy” says enough. No, this is the “cat shat on my hat Freddy.” Outrage at its most outrageous.
Freddy’s arms are poseable. It’s a neat way to make him convey all sorts of emotions. With how I’ve arranged his arms for this photo, Freddy looks like he just found a half-off coupon for his favorite chain restaurant. It doesn’t take much to anger Freddy, but in his defense, it doesn’t take much to make him happy, either.
His hands are fantastic. It’s weird to say, but I don’t think the gloved hand is my favorite of the two. The bare one just has such impressive detailing, and the fingers are so obnoxiously long that they make E.T.’s look like a bunch of pool dicks.
Best of all, this mutant version of Freddy Krueger is clearly a relative of Larry’s. I’m two rubber torsos away from history’s greatest family reunion.
I took these photos outside (this isn’t ancient Rome; I don’t have a peristyle), but Freddy really works better indoors. It’s a tall decoration, but it doesn’t take up much space, and keeping it indoors removes all of the atrocities waiting to be caused by wind.
And I wasn’t kidding earlier: This decoration definitely can stay out all year. He may shine brightest during the Halloween season, but Freddy isn’t strictly associated with it. People aren’t gonna come in here next August and say, “What’s with the Freddy? It isn’t Halloween.” They’ll just stop at “What’s with the Freddy?”
Thank you, “M,” for this wonderful thing that I will love and cherish forever. To show my gratitude, I’m writing you a poem. It’s far from finished, but here’s the first stanza:
You sent me Fred
He has a big head
Though I suppose that’s more of a couplet.