I spent the weekend in New Hampshire, where the air was crisp, the leaves were golden, and the drive to get there was six and a half fucking hours.
I’d never been to New Hampshire before this trip, but now I’m an expert. Did you know that there are a lot of antique stores in New Hampshire? Now you do. Do you know who Ron Paul is? I hope so, or the signs on everyone’s lawns are going to be very confusing.
I also learned that fireworks are legal in New Hampshire!
And, my God, look what I found! FREDDY KRUEGER FIREWORKS!
Actually, if you want to get technical, *I* didn’t find them. A few of my nephews were sent on an errand to buy lots and lots of fireworks, because when you live in a town that allows them, I guess most family parties are fireworks-based?
Anyway, it hit me that there might be some Halloween-themed varieties on sale at this time of year, so I put in the call.
Me: Hey, if they have any Halloween fireworks, can you get them for me?
Nephew: Could you be more specific?
Me: I drank every ounce of liquor in your house last night. I cannot be more specific.
But my nephews did well. They found goddamned Freddy Krueger fireworks. Holee Sheet.
This container of dark power is titled “Freaky Friday,” because the only thing better than ripping off A Nightmare on Elm Street is ripping off Friday the 13th at the exact same time.
Fireworks packaging really is the best kind of art, and nothing proves that better than Freaky Friday. Though they changed his face to a more generic skull/demon thing, that’s obviously intended to be Freddy Krueger. In this iteration, Freddy is extra intense, seeming more like the ruler of Hell than just some freak who got trapped there. Also, this Freddy has been working out!
My nephews were disappointed to learn that I had no intentions of lighting this firework. They were even more disappointed when I conveniently forgot to pay them back for it. My glorious box of doom will remain on one of my office shelves, tempting fate upon every carelessly discarded matchstick.
Still, I was pretty curious to see what a Freaky Friday floral shell was capable of. Thank you, Internet!
It’s amazing that I can type the name of some random firework into Google, and find a video of the thing exploding three seconds later. From what I can tell, the flaming balls do not at all form into the loose silhouette of Freddy Krueger.
Knowing that, I’m glad I left mine not-blown-up.