2015’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 1!

I’ll say it again: This is a banner year for spooky junk food. Never before have I seen so much of it, and for those who sustain their spirits through creepy-looking chocolate, 2015 is freakin’ amazing.

Below are five scary things that you can eat and drink this year, mixing new commodities with some older favorites. If these don’t put you in a Halloween mood, you have better muscle tone than me.

Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M’s!

Larger and lumpier than regular M&M’s, I was a little confused when I first bit into one, as its flavor profile seemed unchanged from the norm. Then came the aftertaste. WOW. If we can assume that these were meant to mimic Starbucks’ famous autumnal offering, it’s a dead-on match.

Many pumpkin spice candies seem like they’re only in it for the novelty factor, with companies spying the movement and thinking, “Yes, yes… we can do this too.” By comparison, these come off as an honest attempt to make something delicious. The flavor is sharp and complex, and almost incongruously extravagant for M&M’s. They’re the fanciest M&M’s I’ve ever tasted!

Muskefears!

Now this is the real shit. Gotta tip my hat to Mars Incorporated for doing something so perfect for Halloween, and yet still so contrary to current trends. If there’s one thing this year’s crop of Halloween candy commonly lacks, it’s the embracement of a real creep factor. 3 Musketeers bars filled with blood-colored nougat? That’s definitely creepy.

The trick-or-treat sized bars taste no different than regular 3 Musketeers, even if the fact that the filling is red will make you swear that they do.

What I love most is how these “Muskefears” bars went with red nougat over an undeniably safer orange. If you want Halloween treats that test your mettle and make you think of really gross movie scenes, support this candy.

Little Debbie Brownie Pumpkins!

These aren’t new for 2015, but I wasn’t going to miss the chance to yak about how ridiculously adorable they are. Over the years, Little Debbie’s contributions to the Halloween season have seemed sadly undervalued, but if there’s anything that could change that, it’s a hexagonal jack-o’-lantern with ten grams of fat.

I look at these and become inspired — no, determined — to throw a Halloween party this year. It helps that my idea of a great Halloween party is the same as a second grader’s. Plastic tablecloth, cotton webs, and a plate covered with Little Debbie Brownie Pumpkins. Everyone will leave early. Good.

Glow-in-the-Dark Oreo Treat Packs!

I normally shy away from “Halloween editions” that simply redress the packaging and add nothing more, but I had to make an exception for these. Each treat pack contains two regular-sized Oreos, but the thing to note is that those treat packs glow-in-the-dark. Yes!

Oreo hasn’t often pushed their full-sized cookies as a trick-or-treat option, but I’m totally down with it. Imagine knocking on someone’s door on Halloween night, and being gifted two legit Oreos in a phosphorescent package. You’d fight to the death to keep that house from getting toilet papered.

There are 30 packs in each box, and what a box it is! Visually speaking, I’ve sometimes felt that mummies were a little too dry to really get behind. Making them radioactive changes everything. I’d pick a radioactive mummy over Frank or Drac any day.

Orange Ogre Crush Soda!

I’m pretty sure that Crush first adopted the “Orange Ogre” nickname years ago, but I don’t think this needs to be new to be worth championing. Remember my theoretical Brownie Pumpkins Halloween party? This will be what everyone drinks.

If you look at the label and squint just right, it seems like they’re presenting the entire bottle as a one-eyed monster. That means you’ll be stealing parts of Orange Ogre’s soul upon every sip. Like a thirsty Shang Tsung. If I had to pick the right time of year to pretend I’m torturing monsters by drinking soda, the Halloween season is it.

Happy hunting! I’ll show you more of this year’s best spooky junk food in the days and weeks ahead. Really, I’ll take any excuse to go on a checkout line with a cartful of chocolate rats. Judge me not, confused cashier. I can technically write this off.