Jaws: The Revenge items, from eBay!

Released in 1987, Jaws: The Revenge was the final and least-liked of the four Jaws films. And that’s a major understatement. The movie’s legendary stupidity transcended mere comparisons with the previous chapters, and it’s in fact regarded as one of the worst movies of all time.

See it once and you’ll understand why. The story is just absurd, changing Jaws from a natural predator to an almost supernatural killer. Among other feats, the shark could roar, not to mention travel from Massachusetts to the Bahamas just as fast as an airplane.

Set completely within the previous films’ universe, Jaws: The Revenge basically treats the “new” shark like it’s the same one from the original. During key moments, star Lorraine Gary has flashbacks to Roy Schneider scenes that her character wasn’t even present for.

I love the film, but I can’t be a contrarian. By any objective measure, it’s really, really bad.

Thing is, I saw it as a kid, and my critical brain wasn’t mature enough to catch (or care about) the goofs and oversights. I spent too many years loving this film to ever hate it now.

It may have set a “zero star” review record, but bad movies can be fun. Drink once whenever the shark does something a real shark never could! Drink twice whenever Lorraine Gary makes fun of her sex appeal, which for some reason happens every ten minutes!

And now, apropos of nothing, here are the five best Jaws: The Revenge items currently on eBay!

#1: Jaws/Shasta Promo Poster
Auction Link | Posterity Screenshot
Asking Price: $16

The Shasta beverage company’s odd relationship with this movie began long before its release, and went much deeper than this one poster. (There’s even some obvious product placement within the film!)

This promotional poster is awfully cute, with Jaws threatening the safety of a buoyed Shasta can. To be honest, I was hesitant to feature it here. Sixteen bucks for such a rare poster is more than reasonable, and I’m strongly considering buying it. If any of you jerks grab it first, we are THROUGH.

My only complaint is that they didn’t anthropomorphize the can. This would be a much sweeter visual if that eight ounce Shasta can had big teary eyes.

#2: Jaws: The Revenge Shark Fin Hat
Auction Link | Posterity Screenshot
Asking Price: $73.95

Gonna call this the crème de la crème of Jaws: The Revenge memorabilia, and I don’t think I’m going out on a limb. It’s a fucking shark fin hat, and you’ll have to pardon my French, because I just can’t type “shark fin hat” without that qualifier.

I’m not sure where this came from, but it certainly wasn’t sold everywhere. I imagine that many proofs-of-purchases and a 6-8 week wait were necessary to obtain this fucking shark fin hat.

It was well worth the effort. Aside from the fin, there’s a 3D patch stitched onto the front, which was so bizarrely rendered that the shark’s surrounding splashes look more like primitive arms.

Oh, and there’s this, too:

I’m not going to spend $75 for a Jaws hat, but I can’t blame the seller for wanting that much. Who could part with this for less?

The high price tells me that the seller doesn’t really want anyone to buy it. It’s like when you have a garage sale and demand $50 for the old Starter jacket that means the world to you but is in fact worth eighty cents.

#3: Jaws Nintendo Game Manual
Auction Link | Posterity Screenshot
Asking Price: $2.25

Yes, technically, this *is* a Jaws: The Revenge item. The Jaws Nintendo game may have shortened the title, but in everything from release date to gameplay to package design, it was 100% Jaws: The Revenge.

There are at least ten of these instruction manuals on eBay at any given time, and you can tell by the low prices that it’s a buyer’s market. If there’s even one person who specifically needs a Jaws game manual to complete their retro NES collection, that person is a miracle who must be studied.

On the other hand, I’m exactly the type of lame-o who got just as much enjoyment from Nintendo manuals as I did the games. It’s too expensive to assemble a brag-worthy collection of complete-in-box Nintendo games, so maybe I can make manual collecting my new hobby?

I chose to feature this particular one because it’s so beat up. Jaws was a frustrating game, and I can just imagine the manual’s original owner treating it like a punching bag.

#4: Jaws: The Revenge Soundtrack Promo CD
Auction Link | Posterity Screenshot
Asking Price: $75

The seller claims that this was a promotional CD never sold to the general public, and I’m taking his word for it. Course, that $75 price tag is still pretty ridiculous. I could buy a fucking shark fin hat for that much.

Aside from the main theme that was on every Jaws album ever, I can’t think of any songs from Jaws: The Revenge that I’d be too interested in. On the other hand, a quick glance at the backside tells me that track #5 is called “Moray Eel.”

That 75 bucks suddenly seems a lot less insane. I’d pay close to that for the chance to remove my headphones and say, “Sorry, I couldn’t hear you. I’m listening to Moray Eel.”

But the real reason I’m featuring this is the album cover. Love it! Jaws rarely got down with his orange self, but the color scheme really works for him. Strip this of words and make it ten feet long, and I’d use it as wallpaper. Or maybe a cape.

#5: Mario Van Peebles Press Photo
Auction Link | Posterity Screenshot
Asking Price: $21.88

Mario Van Peebles was hilarious in this movie. I’ll spare you the play-by-play of his many wonderful moments, but just know this: He survives a shark attack that very obviously should have killed him. I mean, it wasn’t even up for debate – there’s a shot of the damn shark creeping to the depths with Mario Van Peebles in its mouth.

(And actually, he WAS supposed to die. His death scene really WAS a death scene. According to IMDB, they tacked on his survival after the movie was released! I’m being almost totally literal, here: You see a big shark EAT MARIO VAN PEEBLES, only for Mario to pop up ten minutes later like nothing happened.)

So yeah, I want this 8×10. The fact that he’s wearing the same cheap “Bahamas” sun visor I once purchased on the Atlantic City boardwalk makes it all the sweeter.

Assuming that nobody else bid, it would cost you $189.08 to buy everything featured here. Probably more like $220 with shipping. Is $220 too much to have the world’s best collection of Jaws: The Revenge memorabilia? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

PS: Check out Dino Drac’s newly improved archive page! Still working on it, but it’s better than before!